Tuesday, December 22, 2015

[Fur Fiction] ♫ Santa Bunny, hurry up with your deliveries tonight! ♫

Miss Lola was stretched out across the floor enjoying a well earned nap. She could feel her humom staring at her. She finally opened one eye to look up at the human. "What?"

"I need you to deliver a package to your furry godmum." She was informed.

Miss Lola huffed. "I was just there! Why can't you two feet ever coordinate?"

"I'm sure she has some blueberries for you.." was the attempted bribe.

Lola considered the matter for a couple of heartbeats. "I'd rather sleep now and hit Dad up for bananas later." She closed her eye to go back to sleep.

"It's not MY fault you were out all night with Imogen, Speedy, Buttercup and Jensen!" Her humom told her. "Just one little package. It'd make your furry Godmum happy .. and Santa Viking happy.."

The white rabbit sighed and rolled to her feet. "You're not going to leave me alone until I do, are you?" There was much grumbling and huffing as she hopped over to her humom. She looked at the package and then up at her humom. "This is NOT little! This is two thirds the size of me!"

"Who's a good girl?" Her humom asked as she stroked Lola's nose.

"I swear, it's like you don't even listen to me." Lola grumbled, grabbing the edge of the package and dragging it behind her as she hopped to the closet. She looked back, "I'm taking a nap at Auntie Lorna's! SHE knows better that to bug bunnies when they're sleeping! And I want banana when I get back!" She hopped forward a few more steps. "Santa Viking. Ho ho humbug."

[Fur Fiction] Puppy Kisses and Package Delivery.

"Imogen!" Silver called, trying not to sound like she was luring her puppy into a favour.
The Aussie cross bounced in, tail high and wagging. She bounded over to put her front paws on the arm of her humom's computer chair.
Silver held up a thick envelope. "Can you take this to your Auntie Lorna?"
The wagging tail flagged and Immi let out a short whine.
"Have you seen the price of shipping to Canada? Surely if rabbits can use closets to travel a smart doggie like you can!" Silver gave her best encouraging voice and look.
Imogen gave her best 'Wah!' look before gently taking the package in her mouth and dropping off the arm of the chair. She walked slowly to the closet, giving her humom lots and lots and lots of time to change her mind. She gave a last sad look over her shoulder before entering the closet with a sigh.
* * *
Lorna was startled from her ebook by a large thump and clatter from the closet. Wondering if one of the bunnies had been drinking and closeting, she went over and opened the foor to find Imogen tail up, shoulders down, wedged against the shelves and looking miserable. "Immi!" She helped the australian shepherd to her paws and took the package from the dog's mouth. "Did you travel by yourself?"
Imogen whined and looked pathetic.
"Let's put out a bowl of blueberries to lure in a rabbit for your ride home." Lorna told her, giving the dog a scritch behind the ears. Immi's tail wagged a few times, indicating a better mood already. "You're a very good herder and tugger, but navigating tunnels is not in your job description." They walked into the kitchen, Imogen looking hopeful. "Is this from your Mom?" Lorna asked, waving the envelope. Imogen managed not to give a 'well, duh' look.
Lorna opened the freezer for the blueberries, pouring a handful into a bowl. She then opened the fridge to reveal a Tupperware container with chicken in it. "We won't tell your mom, right?"
Imogen immediately sat and held up a front paw. Nope, she wasn't gonna tell about chicken, at all.
The Canadian appreciated Immi's manners and delicate way as she handed the chicken over, getting a lick on her hand in thanks.
"C'mon, let's go play tug until a rabbit shows up."
Imogen bounced up and ran in a couple of circles. Tug was her favourist!
Lorna didn't have a rope, so three braided cat-5 cables just had to make do. Four paws offered better traction on carpet than two so Lorna cheated and sat on the couch to brace herself. That was her excuse and she was sticking to it.
The Silver Letomi CD was half-over and Lorna's arms were starting to get tired when a white bunny nose poked out of the closet and stole a blueberry. "You have a dog in your living room." Miss Lola said, rather grumpily.
"Immi needs a ride home." Lorna told the rabbit.
Imogen gave Lorna an accusatory look.
"Well, you do!" Lorna told the dog. What was she supposed to say?
The noise out of Imogen sounded suspciously like a 'humph!'
"Well, of course she does." Miss Lola said, continuing to work her way through the small pile of blueberries. "She's a dog. You call a dog when you want things organized, fetched, cuddled or licked. When you want to travel quickly and accurately, you call a rabbit." She licked the juice out of the bottom of the bowl, the berried having disappeared at a magical rate. "C'mon Immi, I have a nap to take and a hockey game to watch."
Immi gave Lorna a few good-bye kisses and accepted a fur ruffle and hug before trotting over to Miss Lola. She gently touched her nose to Lola's in greeting. The white rabbit stood on her back paws to give Immi's nose a quick groom. "C'mon then. Maybe we can swing by Disneyworld while we're in Orlando? Have you been yet?"
Lorna missed the answer as the two disappeared into the closet. She wondered if she should txt Silver to say Imogen would be home .. eventually.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Fryttz the Hunter and Leensa the Paladin.

(I probably got lore wrong and Fryttz was written without warning or permission.)

Leensa sat with her feet up on the desk much abused desk, chewing on the blindweed as she worked her way through a thick book called "Savage Passions." She was in half-armour, her boots were scuffed, her hair was in a rough ponytail, and she was the basic epitome of a blood elf who had been stuck in the back of beyond for four years.

"Is that really suitable for a paladin?" Ruag asked from the other side of the desk. He'd been stuck working on the quartermaster's invoices all day. Why should the elf get to read a book? It was probably all about twiggy elf sex anyway.

"I'm a Paladin, not dead," She replied, without looking up. She licked a finger and turned over a page. "Do Orcs really have three.."

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Ruag bellowed, cutting her off.

Leensa smirked to herself.

"Orcs don't mate with twiggy elves anyway." Ruag then grumbled as the silence dragged on.

It was so easy to get his goat. "Isn't Commander Crystalsong married to an Orc?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows over the top of the book.

"She was. But he died of shame or something. A shaman of repute married to .. to .." He couldn't even say it, settling instead for a low growl.

Leensa actually snickered. "Don't worry, Ru, your virtue is safe with me."

"I should think so!" he said stiffly before turning back to the scribbled writing of his quartermaster. He was actually starting to think of hiring a goblin to do this all for him. He'd probably break even after the grafting.

Leensa was still making amused noises when the alarm bell started ringing at high velocity. It was more than loud enough to knock the dead from their graves.

"THE DARK PORTAL IS OPENING!" A grunt yelled from the entrance to the inn.

The blood elf and the orc commander shared a confused look. "The dark portal has been open for years," Leensa said, putting the book down and getting to her feet. The one good thing about being at an orc outpost was sturdy furniture, she could abuse it any which way and no one would care or notice.

"Go find out what that idiot is on about," Ru ordered.

"Aye, Aye, Cap'n!" She said with a sloppy salute before jogging around the desk, absently jumping over a pile of papers.

"COMMANDER!" he roared after her. Good help was so hard to find. "STOP DEMOTING ME!"

* * *

"Hey, Zuuel!" Leensa called as she saw the grunt alerting the stables. She looked up at the bell and wished it would shut up. Would it be wrong to pray for the silence of an alarm bell? The thing was rattling her teeth in her head. "The portal's been open forever!" She occasionally went out to the blasted lands for a drink and to taunt the alliance, after all.

"NEW portal!" he blathered, "Fel Orcs are pouring out! Every outpost is being called up!" He panted, turning on his heel and running for the shaman's hut.

Leensa said several un-paladin-like words. Her hippogryph was already shaking loose of its stall. They'd been together since Ragnaros had tried to take over the world. What now?  It grabbed it's saddle in its mouth and dropped it at Leensa's feet. Apparently it heard battle and didn't want her bareback.

"Right, let's see if I remember how this all goes.." It had been a lot of years since she'd fought from saddleback. Her mount let out several grumbles and rolled it's eyes, fluffing sparking feathers. "I could just summon my steed, you know," She told him. That got her a glare and a beak snap. "Right, he can't fly and is afraid of heights." Her hippogryph harumphed.

One of the outpost kids showed up with her armour and weaponry. She tossed him a gold coin, she didn't feel like fishing around for a supposedly more appropriate amount. Let the kid's mother yell at her later for overpaying. The kid was so enthusiastic he helped her into the armour. Normally she'd just wriggle and wiggle like a pole dancer to get into it. A second pair of hands meant everything was in place and proper in half the time. She gave him another gold and told him to keep his head down as she swung into the saddle.

Her mount let out a war-screech and launched into the sky. Half the outpost was already mounted and starting the run towards the portal. She looked at their numbers with a pang, they were at best at third strength. They'd sent some of their best warriors off to Orgrimmar to help Vol'Jin and they'd never come back. Who'd have thought the portal would do strange things NOW?

Wings beating strongly, the hippogryph headed towards the battle at top speed and enthusiasm. She guessed he'd been getting as bored as she had. But boredom was always better than war.

The battlefield wasn't hard to find, it looked like they were being slaughtered down there. The only blessing seemed to be the invaders didn't seem to have the flying mounts that the elite of the Horde did. Were there humans down there? Had the Alliance actually gotten their heads out of their asses enough to work with the Horde? There was hope for anything if that was true.

She joined the circling mass, then nudged her hippogryph to head to the ground. He took a steep circling dive. With a whispered word to the light, she blasted the enemy forces that were converging on a small squad of orcs. Her dive off her mount turned into a somersault as she landed in the midst of them. Two were already down on the ground, struggling to get up. She knocked their weapons aside with her foot before they could get any bright ideas and knelt on the ground. Her hands glowed with the healing power of the light as she whistled for her mount.

Showing about as much respect for the battling orcs, green and brown, it landed, batting foes aside, snapping through the leg of one with a beak snap. A wing beat broke a neck. Leensa heaved one of the injured orcs up onto his back. "Get him behind the lines!" she ordered. Her hippogryph growled at her. "I'll be FINE. I can summon Brightmane if I have to!"

His opinion of THAT was given in a shower of sparking feathers as he launched off the ground, his hind hooves missing her head by inches. The show would have been more fruitful if she'd still been paying attention, she'd already moved on to her next patient.

She didn't notice when it was that she'd sent the last of the group off back behind the roughly forming lines, just that she was suddenly surrounded by a seething mass of fel orcs and her mace wasn't doing nearly enough damage. "Should have paid more attention to martial classes," she muttered to herself as she blocked an axe with her shield. Perhaps it was time for a strategic retreat. It looked like their side at least had more bodies in play than on the ground.  The fel orc strategy seemed, as always, to build bulwarks with the corpses of their fallen and to climb over them.

She was startled by a shower of gore from behind her, "PAY ATTENTION, ELF!" came a gravelly shout from behind her. She looked over her shoulder to see a fel orc falling and a second one explode as a large bullet hit it in the neck. A Forsaken swung his gun with enthusiasm to smack another orc aside with the butt.

"I am paying attention!" She shouted back, before grabbing the nearest green orc and throwing her arm over her shoulder and hauling the wounded woman upright. "Now cover me!"

"What did your last servant die of?!" Growled the Forsaken as he fired blasts into the wave of fel orcs heading at them.

"I don't know!" Leensa growled right back, "What caused your death?"

"Arthas!" The hunter growled, scowling at her before barely aiming around her as she caught up with him as he fell back from the teaming mass of the enemy.

"Oh! Then maybe we're family!" She snarled. Orc blood was dripping in her armour and itchy. It might have been making her cranky. Where the hell were all these orcs coming from?!

"These Orcs are all wrong!" The hunter growled as he grabbed the orc warrior off Leensa's shoulder and tossed her over his own.  A wolf leapt over his shoulder to take down a fel orc that was about to strike him down. "Good wolf." The hunter said, almost as an after-thought.

Leensa grabbed another orc, healing as she dragged. "Where are they all coming from?" she felt she'd asked this before.

"The big portal over there!" The hunter replied, dropping the injured orc amongst the other injured.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Leensa muttered. She looked at him, "You're injured."

The hunter didn't even glance down, "I'm fine."

"Oh for the love of the sun; let me heal you." Leensa snapped at him. She didn't have time for the macho nonsense.

"How does one heal the dead?" The hollow voice seemed almost philosophical.

"I just ask the light and the light figures it out. Not my department." Leena grabbed his arm before he could get out of range.

"Shouldn't you know the hows and whys of your powers you wield?" he asked, turning eyes down at her.

"I'm Leensa Brightblade, by the way," She said, ignoring the question.

"Fryttz." He said, watching as the ichor dripping wound in his side was woven back together by a soft yellow glow.

"Weren't you the one who --" she started to ask.

"I don't want to talk about it." he interrupted.

"Right," Leensa said looking back to the battlefield. "Are we even pushing them back?"

"Sort of." Frytzz gazed over the field, "We're outnumbered only five to one now. They haven't a chance."

The paladin let out a long sigh.

Fryttz's wolf appeared, carrying the better part of a brown orc leg in its mouth.

"Good girl. Drop." came the order from her master. The wolf whined softly but dropped it on the ground with a meaty shlunk. Then hunter then strode over the bodies of the injured and dying to rejoin the chaotic battle.

Leensa debated for half a heartbeat, but the shamans seemed to have everything behind the lines in hand and so jogged to catch up with Fryttz.

"You're still here?" he grumbled.

"You need me, what if you get injured?" She said with an overly bright, if false, smile.

"The only reason I've been injured so far is because you don't pay attention to your surroundings. " He grumbled, firing a scattered shot into the writhing mass of Fel Orcs.

"And the least I can do is heal you for it!" Leensa replied as she brought the power of the light down on an orc's head.

"STORM THE PORTAL!" a human voice called from behind them.

"Is he frelling kidding?!" Leena yelped, ducking an orc's axe

Fryttz didn't answer, just easily moved with the tide that surged forward, leaving the paladin to scramble to keep up.

"Follow Thrall, what could go wrong?" Leensa muttered to herself as she grabbed a troll who had stumbled and gave them a blessing as the horde and alliance both streamed forward.

"Do you ever stop complaining?" Fryttz asked just before they reached the gaping maw of the portal.

Leensa shook her head, "Not that I've ever noticed, no."

"Great." He muttered jumping through, Leensa hard on his heels.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Letömi and Imogen visit the South Seas.

Tanla stifled a yawn with one hand, the other carrying the tome she was nose deep in. It was another gloriously sunny day in the south seas and the goblins had promised to get her some charged mana dust; at a reasonable fee, of course. Breakfast while lying in a hammock, swaying in the breeze sounded like a good way to start the day. Her studying of the exponentiation costs of energy vs the size of the portal was interrupted by the sound of happy barking.

The arcane mage looked up, over her book, to see a fellow blood elf apparently playing fetch with a frostwolf puppy. Said elf was lying in the hammock adjacent to Tanla's usual. She threw a ball and with happy barks and bounds the puppy jumped into the water, swam to the ball, and brought it back. "Drop!" came the firm command as a soggy, slightly drooly, ball was dropped into the death knight's hand. The death hollow of her voice gave her away. "Are you going to stand there all day?"

It took a moment for Tanla to realize she was being addressed. "I was just surprised to see someone from home here," Tanla said, walking over, shutting the book closed carefully. Wouldn't do to get sea water or dog drool on it. As she closed in and blue eyes turned to her, Tanla recognized the face before her. "Lady Letömi."

The leader of the irregulars of the Horde forces gave Tanla a salute. "In the flesh."

Considering the death knight was wearing a bikini, quite a bit of flesh. "Can you even tan?" she asked, artlessly.

Letömi snorted, "No, but on the plus side, I don't sunburn without a lot of effort either."  Her puppy returned with the soggy ball. "Drop!" The ball was dropped into her outstretched hand. "Good girl." She gave the wiggly tailed dog another pet, "Fetch, Imogen!" she ordered, throwing the ball again. "She can keep it up all day. I'm thinking of hiring one of the Goblins to take over when my arm wears out."

Tanla raised an eyebrow. "Having seen you in action, I don't think that's too likely. You cut through Garrosh's forces fairly handily."

Letömi waved a hand in lazy negation. "Badly trained, over-compensating, under-brained, probably Sha infested, Orcs, have nothing on Imogen's stamina ."

Tanla gave a shrug and sat down on the other hammock. "So, what're you doing here? Vacation in the middle of the war?" Somehow, it seemed unlikely.

"Oh, of course not. I was sent her to find you. Apparently the 'sexual harassment' complaints were due to lack of follow through, not due to their happening, and you've been rehired." There was a smirk on Letömi's face.

Tanla's eyes narrowed as she leaned back to lie down on the netting. "Oh, I have, have I? I'm just supposed to come running as soon as Vol'jin calls? I don't think so."

"I was supposed to mention Khadgar also apologized for Jaina's behavior."

"Fatuous bitch." Tanla grumbled, "Let her apologize for her own behavior."

"Yeah, that'll happen." Both Blood Elves rolled their eyes. They rocked in their hammocks to the sounds of a splashing frostwolf puppy for a while. "Anyway - it's going to take me at least a couple weeks to find you, so you have plenty of time to think about it. I hear you'll get twice your pay."

"Oh yippee." She made more money from enchantment than she ever did working for the Horde. In fact, when you considered all the costs of a campaign, she lost money. She should really start invoicing Vol'jin for the damages done to her wardrobe.

"Drop!" she ordered to Imogen, "NO!" was quickly added  as Imogen let out a good shake. Water and fur went everywhere. Letömi sighed. "It's a work in progress." She picked up a towel and started wiping off fur and water. A whimper came from Imogen. "Not until I'm dry. Then I'll think about it." A second whimper turned into a whine as Imogen dropped to all fours and gave the sad puppy face. Another sigh from her mistress.

Tanla closed her eyes, she could hear Imogen's tail whumping against the ground in abject misery. "Do you really think they'll believe it took you two weeks to find me?"

"Who's gonna argue? It's a nice place you've got here. How'd you find it?"

"I went into Goblintown, I asked what family business is in direct competition with Gazlowe's family and went and saw what they had. Part of their empire is this resort, so here I am."

Letömi chuckled, "Vicious." She rolled over and looked down at Imogen. "Are you going to do that again?" Sad puppy face answered her. "Of course you are." Letömi shook her head and threw the ball, "Fetch!"  Imogen went bouncing off in wolfy glee. "So, what was it like being married to an Orc?"

Tanla let a slow grin cross her face. "Primal."

Monday, October 5, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Tauren's gotta eat!

The bodies of the Iron Horde warriors and peons lay strewn about the courtyard and building. A mighty whirlwind had come through in the form of a Tauren druid and his shaman sidekick, one more bent on destruction than the other.

Raska looked around. It almost appeared they were in a kitchen. Deep in Iron Horde territory and they'd stopped in a kitchen? And was Tsunderebear .. making a sandwich? "Why here?" she asked.

Tsunderebear gave a smile as he held up a sandwich and took a hearty bite out of it. "I was hungry!" he said around the mouthful of bread.

"Hungry." Raska repeated, blankly. She stared up at him, mouth slack for almost a full minute. "We fought through half the ranks of the Iron Horde just because you didn't want to eat rations?!"

"Yes." He chewed happily.

"Why am I even friends with you?!" the orcess spluttered.

"I made you one too." Tsunderebear replied, holding out a second sandwich.

She took it with a sigh.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

[Furfiction] Short but silly.

There was a bunny in his fridge.

This wasn't a particularly new development, there always seemed to be one bunny or another in his fridge. Like he could eat all that kale and those dandelion greens anyway. What was unusual, however, was the dog lying on his bed.

Miss Lola hopped into the room, chomping down on the rememants of a piece of banana. Where had she found banana? "I heard you were sick. I don't do sick, so I brought you a dog."

Imogen wagged her tail hopefully.

The Viking looked from one animal to the other and shrugged, dumping pack onto floor and sat on the bed. Imogen wiggled around so she could put her head in his lap for proper petting.

The Viking turned on the TV. "Hope you can understand Danish."  He never quite knew what the rabbits were speaking or claiming to understand.

He was rather impressed when the collie cross gave a thppppt.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Tanla the Brave.

"Tell me a story, Auntie Lorna?" Imogen asked, putting her chin on her auntie's leg. Who could possibly resist the cute look up that followed?

"Did I ever tell you about how Tanla started the 'Destroy Jaina Proudmoore' campaign?" Asked the Lorna.

"Nuh uh." Imogen replied, tail wagging eagerly.

"Oh, well, it goes something like this.."

* * *

Tanla stuffed the books into her satchel of holding. "Look, it's a simple application of dimensional space. You just fold a pocket so there's only one access, and just dump stuff in there. How much power you're willing to expend to maintain it dictates it's size."

The high elf with her sighed. Tyris had heard this all before and didn't particularly want to hear a fifteenth time how easy it supposedly was. Some elves just refused to listen to how some people were better at certain things than others. After all, how well would Princess Perfect swing a sword?

"Anyway - I'm just saying that all you need to do is .." She stumbled against a human woman. "Watch where you're going, oaf!" she snapped.

The woman turned, raising an eyebrow, "It is you who stepped into me."

Tanla rolled her eyes, "You stopped in the middle of the street for no apparent reason. Were you trying to find your guardian?" Tanla looked about, "You do look awfully young to be wandering about by yourself.."

The woman's eyes narrowed, "I am Jaina Proudmoore and I am a student here."

"Congratulations Jaina Proudmoore. I suppose they let their standards slide this semester. Or is your father someone famous? Proudmoore.. Proudmoore.. Didn't he lose some famous battle?" Tanla asked. Her companion facepalmed. Tyris couldn't believe she was going to pick a fight with a human just because she could.

Jaina continued to just stare at Tanla then smiled, "I understand now. You're completely on the offensive, being offensive, because you can't colour coordinate shoes with robes. A tricky task for someone so obviously colour blind."

Tanla opened her mouth, fist clenching to spark arcane energy, just as Jaina's started to puff frost.

Tyris grabbed Tanla's arm. "It's nice to meet you Ms. Proudmoore."

"NICE?" Tanla growled as she was hauled off, "I'll see her on the duelling floor! I'll wipe dirt with her smug human face! I'll show her colours of stars when I KO her into next week!"

"Yes, yes, you're dreadfully scary threatening human children." Tyris muttered, tightening his grip.

"And THEN I'll make her wish she'd made it out of the primary school magics primer!"

"She's terrified, I'm sure." Tyris looked over his shoulder at the human who was still standing there, arms crossed, looking unimpressed. Tyris was sure there'd be a round two and if he was lucky he wouldn't be there for it.

"My shoes go perfectly with my robes! That ape!"

"Yes. They do. Lovely shoes."

"And my robes are perfect!"

"Yes. Absolutely."

Tanla looked up at him. "You're humouring me! Stop it!"

"Yes dear."

The arcane mage let out of a long, low, growl.  Her revenge would be swift and painful.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Tanla in Paradise.

Tanla Crystalsong was in paradise. Or about as close you could get to in Azeroth. She was lying on a hammock, that was gently swaying in the breeze, she had sunglasses, she had a nice swimsuit, her drink was fruity and alcoholic, and best of all the air was warm and the sun was shining.

It was a goblin run resort, which basically meant if you had money, you could stay. They were very subservient to good tippers. Thanks to her own efforts and her ex-probably-dead-husband, she had money galore. She could pretty much spend the rest of her life on this island in the south seas. She had her own house-hut, comfortable enough even if it wasn't her tower. The goblins didn't mind if her experiments occasionally exploded as long as she paid for any damage done. One goblin had even come to take notes about one spectacular mishap, hoping to replicate it for some bizarre invention.

"Excuse me, madam." One of the goblin servers said after a polite cough.

Tanla opened her eyes and turned to look at him. He didn't have his usual tray. "Yes Kainkle?" It was important to learn the lackey's names, that with gold insured excellent service.

"We have a slight problem that we hopin' a mage of your calibre could possibly help us with?" He looked nervous. It was never a good thing when a goblin looked nervous; massive explosions, chaos and destruction generally rained down shortly there after.

"It's possible." Tanla replied, sitting up. She finished off her drink with a large swig and swung around so she was sitting on the hammock, feet on the ground.

"Wonderful! You see, we're havin' a slight problem with a sea giant."

"A sea giant?" Tanla echoed. It was a long way from home.

"Yes, apparently a neighbouring resort decided to send us a present. Very nice of 'em and all, but he's demolished the steam rooms and is heading towards the stables, we were hopin' for some help from you. In exchange, we could offer you a complimentary stay for say .. a week?" He winced at the word complimentary. Must be bleeding the little guy to give anything away.

"While normally I'd argue for a month's free stay, you guys have been really good to me and treated me like a princess. The least I can do is take care of a sea giant for you!" Tanla got off the hammock, grabbed a small pack, and started towards the stables. "I cleared a few of those out of Booty Bay."

"Er, would you like your robes, madam?" Kainkle asked, scurrying to catch up with her.

"Nah. Won't need 'em."  She did, however, reach into her pack and pull out her staff. It gleamed in the sunlight, seeming eager for battle.

Kainkle looked at her dumbfounded at her pulling a very large staff out of a rather small pack.

"Magic." Tanla told him with a wink.

"Yes, madam." He managed.

Tanla strode north-east until she could hear the sounds of destruction. Horses and other creatures were making a racket, the sea giant was roaring, the goblins were firing guns and throwing dynamite, it sounded like chaos complete. Tanla almost missed the challenge of battle; almost.

Coming into sight of the monstrosity, she looked up. "Well." she managed. It was a very large giant and it was wearing dwarven made armour. It's club looked like it had been made out of ironwood and then runed into the next life. It didn't look like there was a single piece of its surface that was uncovered.   Her bartender was, at the moment, loading a rocket launcher. She supposed she better help rather than open a portal to Silvermoon and go shopping.

"Oi! Ugly!" She shouted.

The giant ignored her.

"Oh, that's it." She summoned arcane energy and hurled it at the giant's head. "HEY! YOU!"

The giant roared as the energy knocked him off balance. He turned to look down at the mage in a bathing suit and wearing sunglasses. He leaned down and roared at her.

The reward for his roar was a blast of magic right down is throat.

The giant made a most interesting noise and wavered around, holding his throat and almost crying.

"Are we killing or capturing, Kainkle?" She asked the server. He wasn't quite hiding behind her, curled up in a ball.

"Uh.. We don't have nowhere to keep it." Kainkle managed. Apparently stress was removing his normal snotty server speak and sending him back to goblin.

"Death it is." She said with a happy smile. She'd have chosen cake.

The giant was still being peppered with bullets when a huge rocket his knee. The giant roared again and started hopping around. Tanla fired several bolts of arcane energy at him, causing him to get even more off balance, and he crashed over. Unfortunately, he landed on the stables. It didn't look like any of the creatures housed there were squished. Hopefully they'd all escaped.

The giant was thrashing around as goblins with pitchforks, spears and shovels were starting in. "One moment!" Tanla called, gathering energy from the ether. She was gathering a lot. Almost near her full capacity of control. She then released it, sending it hurling towards the giant in two massive bursts, both sending him up into the sky, to land again with sick thuds, energy buzzing and snapping all around the now rather fried, and quite dead, giant.

The goblins all turned to stare at her.

"Well, I didn't want anyone getting hurt." It might inconvenience her. She was booked for a massage later, after all.

The goblins thanked her profuseley, some of them might even be sincere, but she managed to weedle two weeks free out of them. Tips not included, of course.

Tanla waved to the resort staff who were now trying to figure out what to do with a very dead giant. They'd probably smelt the armour, cut the giant up to bits to sell said bits, and claim the weapon was some ancient artifact and charge people to view it. The little green guys were creative that way.

A short walk and she was back in her hammock, enjoying the breeze and wondering how long it'd take before Kainkle came by with something alcoholic and fruity.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Kittens are friends, not food. (With apologies to Kavo)

(Guest Appearance by Kavo

So there I was, walkin' through Orgrimmar, not a care in the world, when my stupid imp decided that a kitten would make a nice snack. Now, most people's imps liked snakes, snails and rats. Not mine, oh no. He had to snack on cute furry things, like bunnies and kittens and puppies. He said it was more evil, taste was irrelevant. Now, I don't let him eat those things, especially the bunnies 'cause they tend to be packin' heat. Gartbug wasn't even particularly bright for an imp. He didn't just decide to grab a kitten, he had to grab a high druid's kitten. Hasn't he seen the horns on a Tauren? They stomp lil'gals like me for breakfast! Well, maybe not breakfast 'cause they're grassatarians, but they still stomp!

So I go to grab the imp, and stupidhead goes and jumps out of the way cackling. Oh, I get it, he's not actually hungry, he's just tryin' my patience. You'd think the burp-stench would know by know that I don't have any patience! Especially not for lower-than-slug-slime imps!
Every time he goes and tries something like this, it makes me look bad to the other warlocks. Oh, just light him on fire, they'd say. Just shove him in a box and gas 'em, they'd say. It doesn't work - none of it does. I've tried to return him to sender half a dozen times, but he just keeps comin' back like some sort of damned cat.

"Stop that imp!" I yelled. Pride be damned, if he ate that kitten my ass was grass anyway.

A tall drink of water, a hunk in robes, a six pack hiding, yummy, yummy, gobman, pointed at Gartbug and be damned if ice didn't form under the little git's feet, causing him to splay every which way. The kitten went flyin', the ice mage snatched the kitten out of the air, twitched the pointing finger and suddenly Gartbug, the felburned little shmuck, was encased in ice! Mr Delicious held out the kitten, "Your kitten, ma'am?"

"Er, well, not my kitten." I offered, grabbin' the offending fleabitten furball by the scruff, "But Druid Whiteleaf's. But not feeling like being turned into mush.." I couldn't help but shrug and look up at the dish bein' served hot. I was about ready to toss the kitten over one shoulder and climb him like a monkey up a tree. What can I say? A girl's got needs!

A truly gobbie grin was my reward, "I somehow think, misbehaving imps aside, you can take care of yourself."

"Sometimes." I couldn't help being honest, I mean, it was the worst policy of all polices, but sometimes you just had no choice. I mean, fibbin' about ones prowess might, hypothetically, lead you to findin' yerself with twenty-something sweat-stink crazy strangers staring down the glutten of a huge ass black dragon with teeth bigger than the egos of death knights. An' then you'd find yerself wondering if the dragon would eat the first person to run screamin' back the way you'd all came. "The succubus is even more trouble." I finally said. Fessed up, even.

The grin widened, " I do recall something about a sucking succubus incident a couple of years ago..?"

Was there anyone in any dimension who HADN'T heard about that? How was a girl supposed to live down that? There was a reason I didn't summon Bitzy very often! I decided a quick and subtle subject change was in order, "I'm Lare." I said, sticking out the hand that wasn't holdin' a squirming baby feline.

"Kavo," He said, still grinning before leaning forward, takin' my hand kissin' it! I almost swooned. I think it's called swoonin' anyway when every bit of you tingles, the city gets dark, and you think about bein' face first in the mud. Or it could just be Deathwing Strikes Back; Revenge of the Idiot Dragon. I mean, Thrall SAID the dragon was dead, but that idiot orc says all sorts o'things, most of them nonsense.

Fortunately, sanity returned before I did swoon. "Whatcha want?" I asked, warily. I mean, tasty he may be, but hand kissin'? Seriously?

"At this time? Nothing." His eyes twinkled with delight, "But I think we can agree, you owe me one." He dropped my hand with a flourished bow, winking before sauntering off.

Well, shit.

He turned around, walking backwards, "Your imp should thaw out in an hour or two."

Just what I'd needed, to find a cart in downtown Orgrimmar in rush hour. I'd have to hoof it over to hippie-moo central, convince a druid I'd saved her precious kitten and get her to send one of her more muscles than brains warriors over here to cart the the mucus infested little toadcrawler home. With my luck, he'd thaw in time to light something important on fire.

I smiled and waved my fingers back at the departing ice mage. Yeah, I even waved with all my fingers, why get a debt called early? Stinkin' goblins.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

[Fur Fiction] Train to Roskilde!

"This is prime napping time." Mick grumbled. Midnight. His human had gone to bed before midnight. Speedy told him to visit his pet viking. Mick had tried pointing out how grumpy vikings got when you visited them at 0630. Speedy had pointed out weren't vikings the most fun when they were at their most grumpy? While the British bunny may have had a point, Mick felt plenty grumpy himself.

He came out of the closet to find the viking already awake and not in the bedroom. He smelled a conspiracy. He'd smell a conspiracy even if he had a sinus infection. On the other paw, he also smelled oats coming from the messenger bag sitting on the floor by the viking's bed. Couldn't hurt to look, could it?

Rabbits could be very sneaky when they wanted. Mick didn't much care about being silent right now though, The Viking was humming to himself. He probably couldn't hear a rabbit at full speed on bubble wrap. Mick paused, the humming sounded suspiciously like Ozzy Fudd's Wabbit Slayer. He'd have to pee in The Viking's shoes later.

He flipped back the flap of the bag and stuck his head in. The messenger bag opened up into bunny space. Inside was a litter box full of fresh timothy hay, a bowl of oats, a water bottle, tossy things, and basically a bunny home away from home. Mick felt a foot on his butt and he was unceremoniously shoved into the bag. He turned around in the litter box, standing on his hind-feet with a thump of indignation. He put his front paws on the edge of the messenger bag and stuck his head back out.

"Road trip!" The Viking announced happily, chewing on what looked like the remains of a pastry.

"Are you allowed that? You'll get fat and sore foot." Mick grumped. He then thumped again for good measure. "Road trip?! I didn't agree to a road trip! A road trip where? And why? We can't just portal! Foo' humans."

The viking licked his fingers before wandering off into the bathroom to wash his hands.

"Ignoring me won't make me nicer!" Mick called after him. Seriously, was it backwards day where The Viking thought he had rights and commands?

"Talking to you doesn't either." the viking pointed out, coming back into the bedroom. He grabbed a jacket and swung it on. Picking up his shoes, he gave them a casual sniff before putting them by the bed to put on.

"I should have peed in them." Mick grumbled.

"That's what litter boxes are for. And here I thought you were a smart bunny."

"A VINDICTIVE bunny, I am a VINDICTIVE bunny." Mick corrected, removing his forepaws from the edge of the bag to sit on all fours in the litter box. "Where are we going and why can't we just portal?" he asked again.

"We can't bunny portal because you don't know where we're going." The viking happily pointed out.

"You could just TELL me." Mick retorted.

"Okay." The Viking picked up the strap of the bag and swung it over his shoulder. The outside of the bag shifted around, the inside didn't. Somebun had done some mighty pawsome engineering. The Viking walked out the door, locking it behind him. He looked at the horizon for a moment, then one way and then the other. He pointed off to the east. "We're going thatta way."

"Thank you Captain Helpful." Mick grumbled some more.

The Viking grinned and headed down the steps, stopped with a frown and started to head back up. "You locked it." Mr Mick said, sticking nose out of the bag once more.

"You sure?" The Viking asked, memory failing him and hesitant to trust Mickey's word. One never knew when the rabbit was playing Puck or playing straight.

"Yup." The nose wiggled.

He decided to trust the rabbit. It couldn't be THAT big a mistake, could it?

* * *

A short walk, a short wait, and a grumpy rabbit later and they were sitting on a train. It didn't take long for Mick to get bored and stick his head out of the messenger bag. "Am I allowed to be on here?"

"Sure. You're in a carrier like device." The Viking didn't look up from his tablet.

"Feh." Mick said, stretching up to look out the window. The station didn't look very exciting. "Bunny portal would be faster and cheaper."

"Uh huh."

"And have better snacks."

"There's carrots in the fridge." The Viking told him.

"There's a fridge in here?" Mick said with a large dose of skepticism.

"Sure. It's on the second floor." The Viking said with a yawn. Getting up early had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

"There's a second floor?!" Mr Mick dived back into the messenger bag and found a set of stairs hidden by the litterbox.

"Bring me a Fanta." Kim said to the bag.

"How am I supposed to carry that?!" Mick called up.

"Same way you carry a tablet." Kim replied. The doors thudded and eventually the train started to slowly roll down the tracks.

"Shaken." Mick grumbled to himself. After delivering his own refreshments to the floor beside the litter box, he dragged a bottle of Fanta up and threw it out of the bag. Unfortunately, it hit The Viking in the shoulder, rather than his head.

The Viking managed to catch the bottle before it bounced and opened it very cautiously. He was about to take a sip when a packet of trail mix bounced off the side of his face. "Thanks." He said dryly.

"Don't mention it." Mick said, flomping back onto the plush rug. Three seconds later he announced, "I'm bored."

With a sigh Kim passed his tablet into the bag.

"I better not find any freaky panda porn on here." Mick said, nudging it with his nose. He might be able to think-talk at certain Danes, but he couldn't read Danish. Whatever book The Viking was reading was quickly replaced by Sports Report.

* * *

Mick had eventually grown bored of surfing the web, especially since Speedy wouldn't tell him where The Viking was taking him. Cooper had been waxing about Texan storms. So, the lop eared rabbit was currently sitting with his chin on the edge of the messenger bag, watching Denmark go by. "Shoulda brought the laptop so I could play WoW."

"You play WoW?" The Viking asked with raised brows. He shouldn't be surprised, he knew, but somehow..

"Doesn't everyone?" Mick asked rhetorically.

"What a cute bunny!" a female voice exclaimed. Mick looked over his shoulder as The Viking looked up. She was cute, redheaded, and was leaning to look at Mick. Mick wondered if the cleavage shot was intentional.

"I'm not cute, I'm adorable." Mick corrected her, unfortunately, she couldn't hear him.

"Is he yours?" She asked.

"I'm more his," The Viking replied with a wry grin.

"His indeed." Mick grunted. "Put your tongue back in your mouth."

"Can I pet him?" She asked.

Mick sighed.

*BE NICE!* The Viking thought quite loudly.

Mick sighed again and leaned over so she could stroke his soft ears. The fact it put her chest right in front of the Viking's nose wasn't lost on him. "If you're using me to pick up chicks.."

"I'm actually just watching him for a friend. Don't mind his lack of manners, he's an American rabbit."

She giggled, "His fur is so soft!"

"Seriously, you can do better than this female." Mick told The Viking. Then thought about it, "Well, maybe you can't."

"Here," The Viking said, ignoring Mick. He picked up the bag and switched seats so she could sit down. "He's not big on being held, but it's okay if he's in the bag."

Mick rolled his eyes and ignored the flirting humans, if that's what you wanted to call it. It was as subtle as a sledge hammer to a plate glass window. As long as the two foot kept petting, he supposed he'd put up with it.

The Viking decided, if you could ignore the sarcasm, the rabbit wasn't the world's worst wingman.

* * *

A rabbit in a bag on his shoulder, a wave to Emma, and The Viking was on his way, an email address burning in his pocket.

"Does this entire country smell like fish?" asked Mick, sticking his nose out of the messenger bag and handing over a snack bag.

"No. Some bits smell like urine and fish." He took a handful of the mix and lightly bonked Mick on the top of his head, "Of course it doesn't."

"I see SOMEONE'S in a good mood," Mick grumbled, turning to look at the seagulls wheeling in the late morning breeze.

"My foot's not hurting, the bunny is not threatening to pee in my shoes, and it's not raining. What's not to enjoy?" The Viking asked.

Mick just let out a very long suffering sigh as they found their next train.

* * *

"Any more trains?" Mick asked. While he was enjoying the novel method of transportation, and watching the world click by, he was getting tired of the endless travel. As comfortable as the mini-condo was, he was sick of the same four walls.

"That was the last one." He had two more email addresses and a phone number in his pocket. He wondered if he could find a more agreeable traveling companion for future ventures. Speedy seemed to be the sort who'd like the rails..

"Oh good. Now what?" Mick sniffed the air. Still smelled like fish to him.

"Now we walk." The Viking shrugged the shoulder that didn't have a messenger bag on it. "Well, I walk, you complain."

"As long as we have an equitable work plan." Mick agreed. "What's with all the bicycles?"

"Have you seen the price of gas?" The Viking asked, "Bikes are cheaper!"

"And here I thought I was going to get a lecture on environmentalism." He sniffed and ducked back into the condo. "Wake me when we get wherever."

"I'll drop you on your head upon arrival." The Viking promised.


* * *

A finger poked Mick in the head. "Wake up."

"I'm awake. I'm just doing my taxes." Mick said, stretching with a yawn, sending hay every which way. Fortunately humans were good maids. He stuck his head out of the bag and his eyes widened. "Is that.."

"It is." The Viking said proudly.

"So pretty!" Mick instantly scrambled out of the bag and hopped down onto the wooden pier of the Viking Ship Museum. He sped down the dock to periscope at one longboat after another. Five stood in various stages of construction.

The Viking strolled after him, ignoring the children giggling over a rabbit being loose. Mick would only be seen by adults if he wanted to be. The air smelled like tar, salt water, and freshly cut wood. Seagulls mine'd overhead.  Mr Mick was practically dancing in front of one of the ships.  "Well?" he asked.

"THAT ONE! I want that one!" Mr Mick said happily, bouncing up and down on his hind feet, seemingly having no balance problems even though he was in mid-periscope.

"All yours." The Viking said smugly. "What're you going to do with it?"

Mick waved a paw, "Don't bother me with details, I've gotta go get Speedy! I've got my very own longboat at last!" He scurried down the plans and for a moment The Viking had the thought he was about to be abandoned, "C'mon! We've gotta closet to England!"

He HAD planned to visit Roskilde while they were here, but, a free trip to England? What the hell.

Soon enough he was sitting in a closet with a very bouncy bunny. He was quite amused that Mick still had delusions he would be able to move a ship and/or sail the thing.

Mr Mick stopped mid-bounce and turned to The Viking to lick his cheek. "Thank you for my birthday present. Now all I need is a crew!"

Uh oh.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

[Fur The Horde] I'm feeling exceedingly silly. (@Yaks @BBear @SilverLetomi)

"You're a cow?" Imogen asked with a good deal of disbelief. She knew she was a young dog still, but seriously, how stupid did people think she was? "How do you even type?"

"Same way the bear does." Yaks replied happily.

"Moo." said Buddy Bear.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

[WoW Animal Fanfiction] Fur the Horde!

Guild name "Fur the Horde" credit goes to Imogen's Humom ; Silver Letomi

Imogen FINALLY got to log in. Her Mom had been working from home and hogging the gaming machines for far too long.

"Immi!" Izzy immediately greeted her. "Where have you been??"

"Ugh." Immi grumbled to the black lab cross. "The huparents have been hogging. Dad's been working twice as hard, Mom's working on her parodies and movies'n'stuff and they're ALWAYS home, so I never get on! I even tried hiding her shoes in the backyard so I'd get an hour, but that didn't work. I just got in trouble. I knocked Dad's LARP manual off the shelf three times before they took the hint of 'Hey, we should go LARPing this weekend!'

"I know what you mean. Paige'n'I have been faking fights so the parentals think they have to keep us apart. Paige'll nap with Mom and I'll play on Dad's comp, then it'll be my turn to nap with Mom.. or Dad. Or whichever human needs distracting. So she'll be on later tonight. Kinda sucks we don't get to group anymore, but whatya gonna do? Two foots are so hard to train."

"I trained mine just fine," Sammy interjected proudly.

"You're a cat. They don't expect much of you." Imogen said with a roll of her eyes.

"Pfffft." Sammy replied.

"Do you wanna run a dungeon? We have a new recruit, a rogue, he still needs some gear before he can do HHM with us." Isadora, aka Izzy, asked.

"Sure. You able to raid with us again in the future? Having Jack as the only hunter kinda rots." Imogen invited Sammy and Izzy to group.

"I can only hope. Paige should be able to, at the least!"

A quick look at the guild roster of "Fur the Horde" found Imogen the new rogue; Chuck.  "Hi Chuck, welcome to the guild! How are you finding it so far?"

"Cool. It's nice actually being able to talk to people. I was in a PvP guild, which was fun, but they were all epeeners."

Three girls kind of blinked at their screens, not quite sure what to think. "Er, right." Immi offered.

"My hubrother is friends with your Humom, I think." Chuck offered.  "They call me a bunch of weird names, but I like Chuck." He then added with a disdainful sniff "Chucky is a puppy's name"

"Gotcha." Immi agreed and quickly changed the subject, "Anyone else wanna come? Have room for anyone who can pretend to be DPS."

"I can try ret pally. Or Sammy can play dps, if she likes." Speedy offered. "I mean, I'm specced.. but I've never played ret.."

"Oh yeah, let me be enhance!" Sammy said with just a little bit too much glee to her sweet little black cat voice. "I've got a really nice mace I can introduce to the baddies with one swing, and an axe with another!"

Cats were just SO bloodthirsty! Immi invited Speedy before he could change his mind about grouping with a bunch of carnivores. Normally the rabbits stuck together.

"My axe is bigger than your axe!" Speedy said, linking a monstrously huge two handed axe to guild chat.

Aaand on the other paw, the rabbits could apparently play the ego game just fine.

"You gonna listen and stay behind me this time, Sammy?" Immi asked as she queued the group.

"Nah. You can keep up." Sammy told her blithely.

*I should just let her die a few times..* Immi thought for a moment and then sighed. She really couldn't. She had to protect and lead, and help, and herd, and .. Sigh. Cats.  Guild leading had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

"Okay. When I say ready, I will pull. You'll all completely ignore me and do what you want anyway. All except Izzy, who'll behave like usual."

"I could be a follower." Chuck pointed out.

"You're a rogue." Immi said with a sigh, "You'll just sneak off and find things to jab and steal."

There was a momentary pause. "Well. Yeah.."

"Just try not to step on the cat."

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

[Random Thing] Just how my brain works.

I found my keys no longer worked in the door. I pounded on the door until you answer. "WTF dude? I'm locked out."

"You were cheating on me, I'm dumping you and locking you out!" said Boyfriend Blizzard.

"Cheating on you?! I totally wasn't cheating on you!" I was shocked. Surprised. Confused.

"I have proof. I showed it to John. He totally agrees with me that you were cheating." Boyfriend Blizzard insisted.

"I wasn't cheating! What proof?! Can I see this proof?" This was ridiculous! There's no proof, since it never happened!

"Nope. You can't see this proof. But I showed it to Bob, too. He agrees you were totally cheating on me." Boyfriend Blizzard insisted.

"What proof?! There is no proof! I wasn't cheating!" I protested, also insisting on my innocence.

"You tots were. By the way, I'll take you back in six months when there's stuff I want you to buy me." Then Boyfriend Blizzard slammed the door in my face.

Friday, May 15, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] So long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

(Listening to Zoot Zoot Riot while reading is optional.)

It was cold in Frostwall. It was always cold in Frostwall. No matter how many times she'd had fire mages insulate her robes, give her warming stones, or other tricks, she still felt the biting of the cold wind. Trying to enter her garrison , Tanla Crystaltear, arcane mage supreme, found herself standing in front of two rather burly orc warriors. Their arms were crossed, axes clenched, frowns quite prominent. Gazlowe, goblin architect and general money finder, stood between them, trying to look disapproving himself. Mostly he looked like something she'd shove out of her way in the marketplace to buy the fabulous material for a new dress.

"Look, dollface, you're banned. Fired. Canned. Shitkicked. You'll find your stuff in Warspear. Not allowed in at all." Gazlowe said with a smirk.

"What?! This is ridiculous! Why?!" Tanla crossed her own arms, trying to resist a good arcane bolt or sixteen to blow them up.

"Sexual harassment, toots." Gazlowe said. "Vol'jin doesn't like that in his Horde!"

"Sexual harassment?! I haven't harassed anyone! This is beyond absurd!" Small sparks of blue were dancing along her fingers.

Gazlowe moved back a bit, to be closer to the guards, and pulled out a scroll. "Did you, or did you not, say to Smith Kerosin 'Nice buns, wanna go bake some more?'"

Tanla threw up her hands in bafflement, "Well, sure. But that's not harassment! That's a friendly invitation for a good time!"

"Did you, or did you not, say to Smith Harlisinian 'You're hot, let's go burn together'?'" Gazlowe continued reading down the list.

"Well, sure, but he didn't seem to mind at all!" Tanla said, hands gesturing and eyes rolling. "It was a COMPLIMENT."

"Did you, or did you not, say to Smith Lohhaen 'Can I run my tongue along your curves?'" Gazlowe said with raised eyeridges.

"That's not harassment at all, that's just a friendly request for consent!" Tanla sounded as bewildered as she felt. No one had ever complained before!

"Look, I could read this all day, but the fact is, sweets, you got busted and you're banned. Shoulda been nicer to the musclebound." Gazlowe told her, rolling up the scroll.

"If they didn't want to be drooled over, they should have been wearing shirts! They were showing of, obviously they wanted to be appreciated! That's all I was doing, I was appreciating.. okay, and maybe a little inviting, but that's hardly a crime!"

Gazlowe sighed. The orcs looked most unimpressed. "What they are, or aren't, wearing is irrelevant!"

"They would dump water over their hair and their hair about! If that's not an invitation, what is?!"

Gazlowe actually facepalmed. "I think you need a lesson or two here, but I ain't the goblin to be doin' it! Now get lost. Shoo. Scram. Scat."

Tanla opened her mouth and then closed it. "Fine!" she turned on her heel and stomped off down the path that was starting to be covered in snow once more. Idiot orcs. Stupid trolls. Poopyhead smiths. Smart ass goblins. She should blow them and their stupid garrison up. One good arcane explosion would teach them! But, who needed them anyway? She hadn't wanted to be the leader of the Garrison on this time warped world. She had just wanted to sit in her tower and make spells and read books.

She stopped. She smiled. She felt a large weight drop off her shoulders. She could go back to Silvermoon. She could catcall the yummies and not get hate for it. She could shop. She could explore. She could experiment. She could burn effigies of Garrosh with glee. She could stick a Thrall doll on a rope and use him for a batting practice. She could write letters to Jaina Whineyass and explain all the spells she was using wrong. She could be warm! She was FREE!

Tanla started casting the portal to her home before the Horde could change its mind.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

[WoW fanfiction] Laresa the Goblin.

Lareasa still wasn't sure how she ended up in charge of a garrison in the middle of an infested land. Too many trees, not enough explosives. It was a short rylak ride to the main garrison. Which had a lot of shirtless blood elves wandering around. Tanla Crystalsong always did know how to decorate. The goblin couldn't say she'd be snuggling one of the tall muscle bound boys any time soon, but they weren't bad to look at.

She hopped off the rylak, handing the reigns over to the bored looking Tauren and headed into the garrison. It was no fair that some bimbo mage got a better headquarters than she did. On the flipside, it didn't look like Tanla had a bed. Maybe she slept on the ops table.  The goblin she was looking for wasn't hard to find. He was in a side office that was piled with scrolls and debris.

"Gazlowe, I needs a favour." Lareasa said without preamble. He was her third cousin or something, what was family for but exploiting?

Gazlowe didn't even look up. "No."

"It's not a big favor." she said in her most winning tone.

He flipped the page on the stack of blueprints he was looking at. "No."

"It won't cost ya a thing!" Well, it might, but why bring little details into the matter?

"No. Wait - what?" He actually looked up at her.

"Just a little time, a word in the right ear.." She wheedled, leaning across the desk to try and make cleavage impressive.

The architect was definitely distracted, but not fooled. "Whad'ya want?"

"A portal to Stormshield. This riding a rylak thing every time Thrall coughs is gettin' a tad tedious." She tried wiggling a bit.

"You're a warlock. Do a portal thing." He went back to his papers. "I build things. I blow things up. Portals ain't my thing, doll."

"Oh I know," she said batting her eyelashes, "But you're so powerful and know all the right people! I figured that you could order one of those silly mages to do it. Bein' so high up in rank and stuff and all."

Gazlowe sighed. "What's in it for me, darlin'?"

"I'll get your Aunt Merzlon off yer back about gettin' married."

"DEAL." Gazlowe grabbed her hand and shook it before she could possibly retract the offer. "One portal, I'm assumin' from your fort, to Stormshield. In return one aunt stops naggin' me about dames. Got it."

Lareasa managed not to roll her eyes. "Perfect. Happy to do business with you."

"One question." The elder goblin said, eying her.


"How'd you end up with such a goofy name?"

Lareasa sighed, it was probably the most ungoblin name a goblin could be named. "Mum named me after the first person she swindled. Happened to be a night elf. Lucky me."

Gazlowe laughed. "I'll get on that portal."

"And I'll get to Orgrimmar and distract your aunt."

"See ya, sweetheart."

Lareasa sighed. She wondered if she could make a certain imp just blow up a certain aunt..

Monday, April 20, 2015

[WoW/Animal Fanfiction] When the humans are away..

Imogen, Protection Paladin (tank). Speedy, Holy Paladin (healer). Mr Mick, Frost Death Knight (DPS), Princess Sammy, Restoration Shaman (healer), Bibi, Feral Druid (DPS), Handsome Jack, Markmanship Hunter (DPS).

* * *

Imogen tried not to sigh into the mic. It was like herding cats. Well, she supposed since there WERE two cats in the group, it was exactly like herding cats, and rabbits, and did she have to herd herself? The Australian Shepherd cross gave it a moments thought. "Is everyone ready?" she asked into the relative silence, starting a ready check.

"Yup!" said Speedy, always the quickest. He was a well named Himalayan Rex bunny.

"I guess." grumped Mick. The light brown lop always sounded like he had better things to be doing.

"Of course!" Sammy, black cat and princess, replied with the general disdain she held the world in.

Jack failed the check. There was silence in voice chat.

"Jack?" Immi asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake." Sammy growled. "Where's he gone now?"

"Foo' cat." Mick grumbled.

"Watch it, long ears!" Sammy snapped.

"QUIT IT!" Imogen snapped. "We'll just wait for him to get back. Have some patience."

"Patience? How long does that take to learn?" Speedy asked, innocently.

"Longer than the salad takes to be delivered" Bibi offered, chiming in. The lop was more interested in cleaning her ears than where silly cats had disappeared to.

Imogen resisted the urge to whap her forehead against the desk while the others squabbled.

"Sorry! What'd I miss?" Jack asked, reappearing.

"Where WERE you?" Sammy demanded. "We've been WAITING FOREVER."

The handsome long haired grey just sniffed, "I had to use the litter box."

"Well, next time let us know before you just disappear please." Imogen slid in before anyone else could grump. "NOW! If we're all ready?" She ran a ready check. This time everyone passed. "Okay! Pulling this stupid ogre in 10!"

"I think he's an orc." Speedy pointed out.

"I don't care if he's Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise, he's got my helm and he's going down!" Sammy exclaimed, planting totems.

Imogen winged off her shield at Kargoth before anyone else could get too enthusiastic. There was a reason they didn't let any of the pick-up raid members into chat. Well, the lack of organization, general bickering and the fact the average WoW player would only hear wuffs, meows, grunts and other animal noises. She wondered where they could find a bird. They needed a bird. Or another dog. Another dog would be really nice.

"I wish Jensen were here," Imogen said a wee while later. "This PuG sucks as an off tank. OH MY FUCKING GOD, TAUNT YOU STUPID..!"

"Does your mother know you use that kind of language?" Mick asked sweetly.

"Who do you think taught it to me?" She growled back. "Yes, get up on the chain, good druid." she added to her monitor with sarcasm.

*Do you think we should have played on a European server?* Speedy typed to Bibi, rather naughtily.

*What? And miss this entertainment of Yanks losing their minds?* she replied with a winky face.

"Mick?! What're you doing?! Kite him into the fire!" Imogen was wondering if the rabbit had fallen asleep.

"Yeah MICK." Sammy chimmed in.

"Not needed, Sammy!" Imogen said.


"IF I could get a word in edgewise around some chatty-cathies, I was trying but I got lagged."

"Likely story." Sammy said with a sniff.

"Wanna come here and say that, cat?"

"Stop it! DPS! Concentrate!" Imogen scolded.

"But I'm a healer," Sammy said sweetly.

There was a dull thump as Imogen thumped her head against the side of the desk.

"Couldn't tell by those numbers!" Jack, hunter extraordinaire and current top of the DPS charts, pointed out.

"Oh stick it up your tail pipe!" Sammy replied. "No more heals for you."

"Speedy'll heal me. Nyah." Jack told her.

"I will?" Speedy said with the voice of an angel. "I might. If you're nicer to everyone."

The reply was, fortunately, cut off.

"And Bibi the awesome gets the killshot! Loot time! Loot time!" Bibi druid didn't quite pounce on the corpse.

"Speedy's loot dealer." Imogen announced. "I'm taking an afk. Y'know, when you do that, Jack, you TELL PEOPLE?"

Silence from Jack's side.

"Oh for the love of walks." She growled, he was gone already. She pulled off the headset to let herself out into the backyard. Cats were so impossible!

"Do you think she's snapped her leash yet?" Mick asked into his headset.

Sammy shook her head, "Nah. She's good for at least another two bosses before she starts threatening to chase us all up trees."

"She couldn't catch Bibi and I. She'd need a ride from the airport." Speedy giggled.

Bibi snickered. "But she's not that far from you is she Mick?"

"Hmph. Closer to Sammy!"

"I'd just let Cho sit on her, problem solved."

They all agreed letting a 20 pound black lab in a cat's body deal with it was probably the best measure.

Imogen came back into chat. "Okay, is Jack back?"

"Of course not." Sammy said with a sniff. "He's as useless as balls on a Christmas tree."

Silence greeted that comparison.

"Right then, Butcher.. Do you think we can all manage to stand in the right places this time?"

"Pfffft." Mick said. "Why start now?"

Imogen didn't quite whimper.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

[WoW/Bunny Fanfiction] Following Mick was probably their first mistake.

"So where are we?" Jensen asked, sniffing around.
"Nagrand." came the answer from the periscoping lop.
"Thank you Captain Pedantic." Buttercup said with an eye roll. It was a very impressive sight seeing a small white rabbit do an eyeroll. "A little more guidance please?"
Mr Mick landed back onto all fours with a sigh. "Azeroth. Well, not really, It's Draenor before the Orcs invaded Azeroth. Which had something to do with demons and ore and blowing their own planet up, which was Draenor, which is where we are, it just hasn't blown up yet."
Buttercup and Jensen stared at him.
Mick groomed himself defensively. "I wasn't paying much attention, okay? But don't worry, this world won't blow up because Khadgar and some stinky Orcs showed up to save it."
Jensen nibbled on some grass, it tasted like normal grass. The sun was nice and warm. Almost a perfect spring day. "How do we know this Khadgar guy and his Orcs aren't the ones who blow up the planet in the first place?"
"Er." Mick managed.
Buttercup huffed, "You're impossible. Let's get a long boat. Let's go bug elves. Let's get in a TARDIS. You never think of the .. oooh, are those dandelions?" She hopped off mid-rant.
Jensen sighed, "Does."
Mick nodded. He was glad he didn't have some female bossing him around. "Wait, what's wrong with TARDISs and Elves? And I still want that boat.." He hopped after Buttercup, "And Disneyworld was fun, even with a wet Viking."
"Poor Viking." Jensen mumbled. "Trying to keep up with you and Speedy."
"Oh he did fine," Mick huffed, "We just made him carry us most of the time, that way he kept up."
Buttercup stopped on top of a tree stump, looking around, idly chewing on a the last bits of a dandelion flower. The grasslands spread out around them, a decent sized river ahead of them. There looked to be some sort of spikey fort off to their right before the plains ended to plateaus and hills. "Uh, Mick?"
"Yes?" He said with a very 'what now' attitude.
"You didn't say there were wolves here." Buttercup said, not moving a whisker.
"Of course there's wolves in Nagrand. There's Orcs, where there's Orcs there's wolves." He said as if this was all obvious.
"No. There are wolves HERE." She said, grabbing a frighteningly large hammer out of bunspace to swing into the face of the wolf that pounced at her. It went flipping away, landing with a thud and a yelp. The other two wolves halted their progress and started to circle.
"Get us out of here!" she ordered, dropping the hammer back into bunspace.
"Oh sure, just summon out of nowhere a .." He stopped as a maniac on some sort of very large goat came charging out of the hills, screaming and waving a staff. The Tauren, with gold tipped horns, gestured towards the wolves and lightning came from the clear skies, scorching the wolves. A warcry got the wolves turning towards her and away from the rabbits.
Mick, at this point, decided discretion was the better part of valour, "Best part of Azeroth, well, Draenor, is that.."
Buttercup nipped his tail and dashed past, away from the maniac Tauren and wolves, Jensen falling in behind her as the two raced.
"Wait up!" Mick yelped ,"I can open a portal home, but you guys gotta STOP." He chased after and found himself following Buttercup into a small cave. He panted.
"Get us out of here!" Buttercup repeated. "Nice place for a graze and a snooze you said. You didn't mention THE WOLVES!"
"Well, I thought all the orcs had the wolves and there were no orcs, just a Tauren.. and she saved us.. so uhm.."
Buttercup just glared at him, ears flat.
"Right. Portal." He cleared his throat, stood on his backpaws and waved his forepaws around. It took great concentration and suddenly a blue oval hung in the air in front of him. "There. Home. Happy?"
"Hmph." Buttercup said, shoving Jensen through. "The TARDIS is better. Swimming pool and NO WOLVES." She hopped through.
Mick let the portal closed, he had no interest in following an angry Buttercup who'd probably just blame everything on him. It's not like he controlled the wolves, was it?

He was pretty sure the portal had sent them home, anyway. Maybe it sent them to Stormwind. Or Wonderland. Eh. They'd find a closet if he'd sent them to the wrong place. He couldn't do EVERYTHING after all, could he?

Friday, March 27, 2015

[WoW Story] A druid and a shaman walk into a forest..

There was scarce findings for Iron Orcs. Apparently the grunts had been sent out on some task and as soon as they spotted a fire wielding shaman and a very large Tauren with a very big stick, they high tailed it the other direction. Raska was disappointed she didn't get to slaughter things, the most she got to do was suppress fires.

"Do you know you have a rabbit following you?" Tsunderebear asked, tilting his head to where the brown lop eared rabbit sat.

"Oh, that's Mick. He comes and goes." Raska turned to eye the hill. It seemed to have more enraged Bontani, plant people, than it did Iron Horde Orcs.

"Well, hello Mick." Tsunderebear told the rabbit with some amusement.

"Feh." Mick replied. "Why're we hanging out in a burning forest?"

Tsunderebear was startled by the rabbit's command of the Orcish language and caught Raska's wicked grin that said 'You started it.' "Well," Tsunderebear started, "We're trying to stop the burning."

"You'd be better off with a fire extinguisher or a fire truck, if you ask me." Mick sniffed and turned to lick his side, "But you didn't, so you'll probably go do something foolish like attack that group of Orcs around the corner. I can smell them from here." Mick flicked his paws together, "Here's an idea Orcish empire, Horde, whatever, bathtubs and showers. Improve morale of your allies, Orcs stink." He gave Raska a stern look, even though she was well bathed, and hopped off into the near by brush.

"That's his magic trick, disappear when danger is near." Raska said rolling her eyed, "Let's go find those Orcs."

Tsunderebear shook his head in bewildered amusement, while he was in touch with most of nature and her children, he'd never met so grumpy or sassy a rabbit before. It was an easy lope to keep up with the shaman, he was almost two feet taller than her, after all.

They turned the corner and immediately ducked back as an Iron Orc warrior went flying through the air past where they'd been and into a tree, neck broken.

Raska called upon the fire elements to her fist, ready to apply as another warrior came their way, this one running for all he's worth.

"GET BACK HERE!" A voice called. Female, accented, and angry. Before Raska could release fire or Tsunderebear could release fury, a Pandarian came flying through the air and landed on the Iron Orc where she applied axe to head. The Orc lay dead underneath her as she picked herself up to look at the two staring at her. "Hi. I'm Yaks." she said, plunking axe into her belt. She dusted off her paws, seemingly ignoring the blood on her fur. She flicked a lock of green hair and said "If you're looking for Orcs, I'm afraid I axed 'em all already."

"Well, actually," Raska said, letting go the flame, "We're looking for an enraged and corrupted tree."

"I am Tsunderebear." The druid introduced himself, "That is Raska."

"THAT?" Raska protested, "I am not a THING."

"No, you're an Orc." Yaks agreed. "Same difference really."

"What?!" Raska growled, flame creeping around her fist.

"Anyway. The tree's this way. I kind of went wide, it's a bit angry and my axe isn't THAT big. But I guess you two could tip the scales. I mean, as long as you're not scrubs."

"What's a scrub?" Tsunderebear asked, falling into step with the Pandarian.

"Newb. Scrub. Useless. Fuck up. Y'know." Yaks sort of explained as she kicked aside brush to scramble through bushes.

"There's a path." Raska grumbled as another branch was whapped into her face. You'd think a person the size of a mountain in front of her would prevent the foliage attacking her not encourage it. She stopped and looked at the back of the druid suspiciously. The branches were definitely moving out of his way and back again. That bloody cheater!   Yaks just seemed happy to crawl and scramble through the brush. The maniac.

The end of the trip through the thicket ended with a sharp scramble down a medium sized cliff. Yaks just rolled down it, flipped, and landed on her feet. Tsunderebear skidded down on his hooves, using his staff as a mix of rudder and balancer. Raska took one look at it and summoned an earth elemental to carry her down. The rocks formed into a shape, seemed a bit surprised by the request and easily carried her down.

"Really?" said Yaks. "That's a bit of a waste."

"*I* don't have stone chips in my hair." Raska said, resisting sticking out her tongue.

Tsunderebear wasn't quite sure if he should step in the middle and try to intervene the growing cat fight or if he should stand back, way back.

"You don't have any hair! Just a braid thing!" Yaks replied with a sniff, running fingers through her own hair.

"It's a style of status and --" She was interrupted by Tsunderebear.

"Is that the tree we're here to see?" he asked mildly. Of course, mildly from an 8'4 bovinoid was still rather conversation stopping.

The two women turned to where he was looking. The tree was larger than the forest, it carried the torso of a treant in one hand as some sort of weapon, and was busy smashing everythinga round it. It sent a Botani flying against the cliff.

"Uh. Yes." Raska confirmed unnecessarily.

"Great! Let's trim it's branches!" Yaks said with enthusiasm and charged. "Just call me a lumberjack!" she yelled as she jumped onto the enraged giant.

"What the .. I can't.. Oh..!" Raska spluttered and then chased after the insane warrior. She threw a fire totem to the feet of the giant tree and called upon fire to burn it from within as she threw balls of fire at the torso, careful to not hit the reckless Pandarian busy hacking at it with an axe.

Tsunderebear, who until this part had been using the powers of moon and sun, turned into a very large bear and roared loud enough to send rocks tumbling down their cliff sides. The tree, even under attack, paused. The druid raised up on his back paws, roared again, and then charged the tree, claws mauling and flaying.

"Everyone is insane." Raska muttered, standing back to throw healing energy at Yaks. The warrior was being beaten by the corpse of the treant and she didn't much seem to care.

Calling on the power of the elements, burning the inner rage, she cause their powers to grow and their actions to hasten.

The tree was moaning and growling in anger, Tsunderebear was growling better. Yaks had carved chunks out of it when it finally managed to pick her up and throw her halfway across the canyon. The Pandarian landed rolling and jumped to her feet with a flourish.

Raska called lightning down on the tree, striking from top to bottom, bolt after bolt.

Tsunderebear, on hind legs gave the tree a mighty shove as Yaks bounded back with her axe. Raska called the best of her fire and managed to light the remains into a blaze.

The trio stood back and watched the enraged tree perish. Raska let out a sigh and leaned against her staff, exhausted. She needed some food and drink desperately. Tsunderebear, still a bear, flumped at her feet. If it could be said a being she could ride could flump at her feet. Yaks stretched, turned at the waist a few times and looked around. "Okay, so what's next?"

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Raska & a Moo-bear.

Raska looked around in frustration. She looked at the lousy map she'd been given and surveyed the area once more. She growled under her breath and crumpled the map up and tossed it towards a nearby pond.
"Excuse me," a deep voice said from up and behind her. Raska turned and looked way up. While she was tall for a female Orc, she felt rather small. A rather tall Tauren looked down at her with furrowed brows. "It would have been no effort to put that in your pack instead of littering the wildlife."
She opened her mouth to say her opinion of his 'littering' and then decided discretion was the better part of valour. "My apologies." She muttered and stomped to the bush and picked up the lousy map and shoved it in her pocket. "Happy?" she asked.
"Of course." He replied and smiled. A shrug adjusted a pack almost as large as she was. "I am here seeking to destroy corruption of the balance."
Raska eyed him, "You're doing the druid shtick just to try and piss me off, aren't you?"
The Tauren gave her a toothy grin. "Maaaybe."
Raska growled under her breath and tossed her long purple braid over one shoulder. "Congratulations, it worked."
He dropped the formal and drawling tone, "What're you looking for?"
"An ancient tree that's been corrupted by dark spirits. It's supposedly larger and angrier than the treants of the woods." She sighed and pulled out the abused map and straightened it out enough to show the Tauren. "This is supposedly where I can find it."
The Tauren squinted at the map. "Whoever drew that should go back to map school."
"A goblin. Who I shall be testing his own rockets on when I get home." Raska replied. She looked up at the Tauren, "I'm Raska, of the Frostwolf clan."
"I am Tsunderebear." He said, offering a rather large hand for her to shake. Raska took it and gave as firm a grip as he.  "Looks like we have the same quest, we should do it together."
"Sounds good to me. Any idea where we're going?"
Another grin. "Well, if we want a large angry tree, I think we look for lumberjacks. And the Iron Horde has been active to the south-west."
Raska's hand went to the staff on her back involuntary before she pulled it back. "I wouldn't mind kicking some Iron Horde butt."
The grin grew wider, "Sounds like fun. Maybe we'll even find the tree after a pile of Evil Orc butt."
Raska tilted her head to one side. It was an interesting mental picture. She pulled her staff off her back and tapped the butt of it on the ground twice. "Shall we?"
Tsunderebear snorted in amusement, "Oh yes, let's."
The two scrambled down from the collection of rocks their griffons had dumped them on and onto the soft loom of the twisted forest. The sound of a lumber machine could be faintly heard to their south-west, the duo turned with smirks and headed towards mayhem.

[WoW Fanfiction] Tanla tormenting Orcs.

Tanla Crystalsong, high mage, garrison commander, a war leader of the Horde, stopped on the steps of the war mill and admired the blood elf smith who walked past. He smiled and gave her a 'Ma'am'. Well, what the hell, her husband was long gone. She smiled back and gave him a longer look up and down, "Smith." she replied with an appreciative smile. He gave her a grin and kept going.

She stifled a sigh and continued down the steps and back towards the hall. The orcs insisted on calling it the 'great hall' but she was pretty sure they would agree with her it wasn't so great if they'd ever been to Silvermoon. She did so get tired of orc architecture.  So many spikes and horns. The furs were nice, but did they always have to have the heads on them? And the beds, lord, hadn't they ever heard of silk sheets? Or soft mattresses? Good thing she could portal to Silvermoon any time she wanted to get sensible things. The less said about orc rations the better. Indoor plumbing would also be a treat.

Tanla stopped at Sergeant Grimjaw. "Hello Sergeant."

"Blood and thunder!"

"Uh, sure." She said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "So, how goes things?" It seemed a commandery thing to ask. She still wasn't quite sure what Vol'jin was thinking putting her in charge of the main garrison. Sure, she was perfectly good at blowing things up and was talented at inspiring orcs in battle (You ran in, blew things up, they'd follow) but leader? Was he smoking .. oh, well, he was a troll.

"Resources are overflowing thanks to your efforts, Commander!" Grimjaw reported proudly, "No further hints of incursions since you blew the shadow council a new one!"

"Well, they rather deserved it, coming in so rudely." She replied. Tanla looked around, "You know what we need?"

"No commander." The mighty orc warrior looked wary. He was never quite sure what to expect from the blood elf. Last week, he could have sworn she was trying to flirt with him. There was a rumour that she'd been married to an Orc years before, but he found it hard to believe. What orc could be so desperate that they'd marry an ELF?

"We need a hair dresser." She said, as seriously as she could. "It would certainly spruce up the troops. Good for morale. Cheer everyone right up." She hid her smile inwards. Orcs were so fun and easy to make uncomfortable.

"Uh, yes sir." The orc paused waiting to see if this was some sort of elven joke, but she just looked at him expectantly. He wondered if he could get an early retirement or a transfer. He was proud to serve, of course, but he was pretty sure this elf didn't care much about honour and was more about destruction. She was obviously insane. "I do not think we could convince a talented barber to move to Frostfire, ma'am."

"Ohh. Good point." She sighed, "Then I'm off to Orgrimmar for a primp. Do try to keep the garrison upright while I'm not about."

"Uh, yes ma'am. Sir. Tanla, ma'am." He sighed. Things were easier in the orc army, everyone was sir or grunt.

Tanla reached over and patted him on the head, "It's okay Sergeant, you just be an orc, I'll be an elf, and it'll all work out in the end. What you call me doesn't matter."

He blinked, "Uh, I'm not sure an orc commander would like being patted on the head, sir."

She grinned, "I like you, Grimjaw. We should get you a promotion."

"Uh, yes sir. The raise would be nice."

"You get a pay cheque? Hmph. I need to have a chat with Vol'jin while I'm in Orgrimmar.."

Grimjaw wasn't quite sure what to say about that and was grateful she just started to create a portal to Orgrimmar.

He had to say he did like a commander who stayed in the field most of the time and left him the hell alone.