Tuesday, May 19, 2015

[Random Thing] Just how my brain works.

I found my keys no longer worked in the door. I pounded on the door until you answer. "WTF dude? I'm locked out."

"You were cheating on me, I'm dumping you and locking you out!" said Boyfriend Blizzard.

"Cheating on you?! I totally wasn't cheating on you!" I was shocked. Surprised. Confused.

"I have proof. I showed it to John. He totally agrees with me that you were cheating." Boyfriend Blizzard insisted.

"I wasn't cheating! What proof?! Can I see this proof?" This was ridiculous! There's no proof, since it never happened!

"Nope. You can't see this proof. But I showed it to Bob, too. He agrees you were totally cheating on me." Boyfriend Blizzard insisted.

"What proof?! There is no proof! I wasn't cheating!" I protested, also insisting on my innocence.

"You tots were. By the way, I'll take you back in six months when there's stuff I want you to buy me." Then Boyfriend Blizzard slammed the door in my face.

Friday, May 15, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] So long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

(Listening to Zoot Zoot Riot while reading is optional.)

It was cold in Frostwall. It was always cold in Frostwall. No matter how many times she'd had fire mages insulate her robes, give her warming stones, or other tricks, she still felt the biting of the cold wind. Trying to enter her garrison , Tanla Crystaltear, arcane mage supreme, found herself standing in front of two rather burly orc warriors. Their arms were crossed, axes clenched, frowns quite prominent. Gazlowe, goblin architect and general money finder, stood between them, trying to look disapproving himself. Mostly he looked like something she'd shove out of her way in the marketplace to buy the fabulous material for a new dress.

"Look, dollface, you're banned. Fired. Canned. Shitkicked. You'll find your stuff in Warspear. Not allowed in at all." Gazlowe said with a smirk.

"What?! This is ridiculous! Why?!" Tanla crossed her own arms, trying to resist a good arcane bolt or sixteen to blow them up.

"Sexual harassment, toots." Gazlowe said. "Vol'jin doesn't like that in his Horde!"

"Sexual harassment?! I haven't harassed anyone! This is beyond absurd!" Small sparks of blue were dancing along her fingers.

Gazlowe moved back a bit, to be closer to the guards, and pulled out a scroll. "Did you, or did you not, say to Smith Kerosin 'Nice buns, wanna go bake some more?'"

Tanla threw up her hands in bafflement, "Well, sure. But that's not harassment! That's a friendly invitation for a good time!"

"Did you, or did you not, say to Smith Harlisinian 'You're hot, let's go burn together'?'" Gazlowe continued reading down the list.

"Well, sure, but he didn't seem to mind at all!" Tanla said, hands gesturing and eyes rolling. "It was a COMPLIMENT."

"Did you, or did you not, say to Smith Lohhaen 'Can I run my tongue along your curves?'" Gazlowe said with raised eyeridges.

"That's not harassment at all, that's just a friendly request for consent!" Tanla sounded as bewildered as she felt. No one had ever complained before!

"Look, I could read this all day, but the fact is, sweets, you got busted and you're banned. Shoulda been nicer to the musclebound." Gazlowe told her, rolling up the scroll.

"If they didn't want to be drooled over, they should have been wearing shirts! They were showing of, obviously they wanted to be appreciated! That's all I was doing, I was appreciating.. okay, and maybe a little inviting, but that's hardly a crime!"

Gazlowe sighed. The orcs looked most unimpressed. "What they are, or aren't, wearing is irrelevant!"

"They would dump water over their hair and their hair about! If that's not an invitation, what is?!"

Gazlowe actually facepalmed. "I think you need a lesson or two here, but I ain't the goblin to be doin' it! Now get lost. Shoo. Scram. Scat."

Tanla opened her mouth and then closed it. "Fine!" she turned on her heel and stomped off down the path that was starting to be covered in snow once more. Idiot orcs. Stupid trolls. Poopyhead smiths. Smart ass goblins. She should blow them and their stupid garrison up. One good arcane explosion would teach them! But, who needed them anyway? She hadn't wanted to be the leader of the Garrison on this time warped world. She had just wanted to sit in her tower and make spells and read books.

She stopped. She smiled. She felt a large weight drop off her shoulders. She could go back to Silvermoon. She could catcall the yummies and not get hate for it. She could shop. She could explore. She could experiment. She could burn effigies of Garrosh with glee. She could stick a Thrall doll on a rope and use him for a batting practice. She could write letters to Jaina Whineyass and explain all the spells she was using wrong. She could be warm! She was FREE!

Tanla started casting the portal to her home before the Horde could change its mind.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

[WoW fanfiction] Laresa the Goblin.

Lareasa still wasn't sure how she ended up in charge of a garrison in the middle of an infested land. Too many trees, not enough explosives. It was a short rylak ride to the main garrison. Which had a lot of shirtless blood elves wandering around. Tanla Crystalsong always did know how to decorate. The goblin couldn't say she'd be snuggling one of the tall muscle bound boys any time soon, but they weren't bad to look at.

She hopped off the rylak, handing the reigns over to the bored looking Tauren and headed into the garrison. It was no fair that some bimbo mage got a better headquarters than she did. On the flipside, it didn't look like Tanla had a bed. Maybe she slept on the ops table.  The goblin she was looking for wasn't hard to find. He was in a side office that was piled with scrolls and debris.

"Gazlowe, I needs a favour." Lareasa said without preamble. He was her third cousin or something, what was family for but exploiting?

Gazlowe didn't even look up. "No."

"It's not a big favor." she said in her most winning tone.

He flipped the page on the stack of blueprints he was looking at. "No."

"It won't cost ya a thing!" Well, it might, but why bring little details into the matter?

"No. Wait - what?" He actually looked up at her.

"Just a little time, a word in the right ear.." She wheedled, leaning across the desk to try and make cleavage impressive.

The architect was definitely distracted, but not fooled. "Whad'ya want?"

"A portal to Stormshield. This riding a rylak thing every time Thrall coughs is gettin' a tad tedious." She tried wiggling a bit.

"You're a warlock. Do a portal thing." He went back to his papers. "I build things. I blow things up. Portals ain't my thing, doll."

"Oh I know," she said batting her eyelashes, "But you're so powerful and know all the right people! I figured that you could order one of those silly mages to do it. Bein' so high up in rank and stuff and all."

Gazlowe sighed. "What's in it for me, darlin'?"

"I'll get your Aunt Merzlon off yer back about gettin' married."

"DEAL." Gazlowe grabbed her hand and shook it before she could possibly retract the offer. "One portal, I'm assumin' from your fort, to Stormshield. In return one aunt stops naggin' me about dames. Got it."

Lareasa managed not to roll her eyes. "Perfect. Happy to do business with you."

"One question." The elder goblin said, eying her.


"How'd you end up with such a goofy name?"

Lareasa sighed, it was probably the most ungoblin name a goblin could be named. "Mum named me after the first person she swindled. Happened to be a night elf. Lucky me."

Gazlowe laughed. "I'll get on that portal."

"And I'll get to Orgrimmar and distract your aunt."

"See ya, sweetheart."

Lareasa sighed. She wondered if she could make a certain imp just blow up a certain aunt..