Friday, December 22, 2023

[Bunny Fanfiction] On the good ship Rumrabbit.

A small white rabbit with black markings around the eyes sitting with their head tilted to one side. They look like they're giving major attitude.

Captain Renee was staring up at the main mast. "Do I know this bird? Why is there a non-seagull on my ship?"

Titch was perriscoping, on her back feet, front paws tucked to her chest, as she looked way up. "That's Jo-Jo!"

"Right, so the bird has a name." Ren said, turning to look down at the cream-coloured bun, who had a soot coloured splotch on her nose.

"I wanted to show Jo-Jo a REAL crow's nest. She keeps trying to build things in trees with sticks." Titch made a scoffing nose. "As if you can see ANYTHING with all those branches in the way."

Jo-Jo cawed something that sounded mocking.

"You're very high up! Of course, your eggs would be protected!" Titch mentally yelled up.

"Not to mention Sage likes to sit up there, and not much would dare a Dutch Mafia Princess." The silver and white rabbit protected anything she considered helpless with pointed teeth. And she considered anything non-rabbit helpless. Some humans just happened to be beneath her notice and not worthy.

"YEAH! Sage's is the best egg-sitter on the seas!" Titch agreed.

"Well, maybe not literally sitting - " Ren didn't get to finish the thought, since Jo-Jo was letting up a ruckess at the notion of a RABBIT sitting on her eggs.

"We're not even sure she can have eggs." Titch said aside before going back to arguing with the crow.

"She's a corvid." Ren muttered as she headed below decks for breakfast. "Probably steal them if she had to."

She slid down the ladder like stairs. They were spotless and shined. All the better for not actually putting foot to wood. 

"Get a rabbit, they said." Ren grumbled, heading into the galley, where Cindy was sitting and trying to convince her Aunty Rachel that rum in the morning was perfectly acceptable for a rabbit.

"They're quiet and won't get into trouble!" Rachel said, shooting the first mate a dark look.

"Hardly know she's there!" Ren continued. An oft said turn of phrases on the Rum Rabbit.

Cindy, Blanc de Hotot and piratical bunny extraordinaire, turned her butt to both of them. She looked over her shoulder and gave a very un-rabbitlike "thppppt" to them both.

Sunday, October 15, 2023

[Bunny FanFiction] Sub-ins are sometimes required.


(The late, great, Mr Mick)

Yelling "BWAAAH!" and trying to jump back a foot when you woke up with a rabbit face about a centimetre from your eyeball was a perfectly reasonable response.  

Mr Mick, the rabbit in question, disagreed as he was startled, jumped away from the yelling viking, fell off the bed, and then thumped twice from the floor.

Kim clutched his chest and tried to get his heart rate and breathing back to normal.

Mr Mick hopped back up on the bed and gave his patented death stare. 

"Normally, you sit on my chest!" Kim finally managed.

"Eh." Mr Mick licked his paw and used it to groom his ear. "You were on your side."

Kim counted to ten in two languages.

"But now that you're awake.." Mr Mick said cheerfully.

"It's 0330." Kim pointed out.

"And you're awake! And probably not getting back to sleep right away!" 

"Rabbit logic at it's best." was the muttered observation as Kim pulled his pillow over his head.

Mick stuck his nose under the pillow, "You hear me in your head, I don't think that'll help."

"It'll make me feel better. Maybe I'll suffocate." 

If rabbits could roll their eyes, Mick would roll his. Instead, he headbutted Kim's shoulder. "This would be quicker if you just cooperated."

"Accept the inevitable?" came the grumbled reply.

"Exactly!" Finally, the human was starting to get it. 

Kim pulled the pillow off his face and put it behind his head as he flomped onto his back. "Fine."

"Great! So I need you to give good luck to Lorna's hockey team." 

Kim gave the rabbit a hairy-eyeball look.  "I'm not a rabbit."

"That's fine! I'll just shed lots of fur around here, and you can throw it about for luck." 

"Two things." Kim started then stopped. "Three things," he corrected. 

"I'm all ears." Mick said, giving his ears a shake. He wasn't one of the blessed lops who could wiggle their ears.

"One, why can't you do it?"

"Because the games don't start til 9pm at best, and I need my sleep." 

"You're a ghost! You don't need sleep!" Kim protested. 

"Do too." Mr Mick said firmly. 

Kim sighed. "Two, seven pm there is three am here."

"Okay." Mick wasn't sure how this was relevant information.

"I occasionally sleep at three am."

"That's okay, you don't need to." 

Kim's eye twitched. He shouldn't ask.. he shouldn't ask .. "Why is your sleep more important?"

The reply was predictable. "I'm a rabbit."

"THREE, you're a ghost, your fur disappears about two hours after you do."

"Huh." Mr Mick actually thought about that."I guess I could shed a bunch .. no, then it'd be gone before the second period."

Kim was surprised he may actually have won this one.

"I could borrow some from a Duchess or Titch, but intent matters." Mick mumbled to himself, "Hmm."

Kim reached under his bed and fished out the memory foam pillow with microfiber covering and placed it on the bed between himself and the wall. Mick absently hopped over him to lounge on it.

"I wonder if gerbil luck would work.. they're up at all weird hours.." Mick continued to muse, "No, gerbil luck is useless luck."

Kim closed his eyes. He could tune out a grumbly rabbit well enough, he'd had lots of practice. The joy of being a rabbit's "best human friend."  He was almost asleep when the rabbit in question decided sleeping on a human was more comfortable than a pillow.

Fortunately, that was another thing he'd learned to sleep through.

Sunday, December 4, 2022

[Bunny Fiction] Miss Titch and the sparkly lights.


(Nuts, I did miss a spot.)

Miss Titch decided that since depression was making her Aunty Lorna listless, it was time for a bunny intervention. She knew her Aunty Lorna liked pretty sparkling lights, so it was a rabbit's job to help her put up her tree!

To say Lorna was surprised to see her favourite Brit was an understatement. "Isn't it past your bedtime?" she asked as Titch bounded up onto the chaise lounge part of the sofa. 

"This is a Christmas mission! Mum won't mind." Titch told her firmly.

"Oh, so if I were to send her a message.." Lorna said with a raised eyebrow from where she'd been sitting and reading in the wide, squooshy, chair.

"Er." Titch thought quickly. "You'd wake her up! You wouldn't want to do THAT. Besides, I'm here to help you have pretty sparkles." Titch looked around the room. "Where are you going to put the tree? You'll need to move furniture."

"And how are you helping?" her Aunty Lorna asked. Lorna was pretty darn sure the rabbit wasn't going to be the one lifting, turning, and twisting.

"Cheerleading and pointing out holes." Titch said like this was the biggest favour a bunny can give. Well, maybe second to disposing of all the oats in one's cupboards.

"Uh huh." Accepting the inevitable, Lorna put on Trans Siberian Orchestra. It was the only Christmas music she could tolerate, outside of a certain Dropkick Murphys song.

Twenty minutes of grunting and grumbling later, the chair and coffee table had been moved and the tree was up and looking very bare. "Are you going to help me take this down in a month, too?"

"No, silly. That's a boy's job." Titch said with an amused shake of her head. "Boys were better at destroying things ."

"I don't think it was a boy who snipped their Mum's charger cord last week." Duchess had been bragging that at least SHE had never done that.

Titch sniffed, "Really!" Then a huff. "She hasn't found it, so it hasn't happened."

Perfect bunny logic.

The fun part, draping the tree with lights.

"You missed a spot." Titch helpfully pointed out as the human who couldn't turn at the waist tried to loop the lights around the back of the tree. Holding her arms above shoulder height wasn't particularly pleasant either.

"Thanks." Lorna even managed to keep the sarcasm to a reasonable level.

"You're welcome!" Titch replied cheerfully.

"I have a slow cooker, you know." Lorna replied as she finally managed to catch the loop of lights.

"Pfffft, empty threat. Mum makes that one all the time. I'm too pretty for a slow cooker!"

More like her butt was too big, but her Aunty Lorna was more than wise enough to not point that out. While Titch wouldn't snip Christmas tree lights (some things are sacred,) she was probably more than willing to snip and hide a charger or two.

"Maybe The Viking can help you take down the tree," Titch mumbled around something.

Lorna turned, "Are you eating a digestive cookie?!"

"Uhm." The chewing sped up.

"If you get sick, your Mum will KILL ME." Lorna said sternly.

"Oh, don't worry," Titch said, sitting back on her haunches. "I steal them all the time. The chocolate covered ones made me feel a bit yucky, so I avoid those ones."

The high numbers of vet bills danced through Lorna's head.

"I prefer oatcakes, but you seem to be out."

"Oatcakes have a habit of disappearing around me." Lorna confessed.

"Me too." Titch agreed. They were decadently SCOTTISH but sometimes an English bunny just had to make sacrifices. If anyone asked, however, the biscuits were Danish butter cookies and not shortbread. One had to play to a Viking's ego, right?

Muttering continued as the lights fought being put up. At least the tangling was minimal. "The Viking refuses to travel through closets after the last time." Lorna said, tangenting back.

"Pooh." Titch said with a dismissive wave of a front paw. "It wasn't as bad as he made it out to be."

"Teddy almost got him eaten by a worg."

"It was a small worg! Only the size of a Shetland pony! Wasn't like it was a full size one. And he was FINE, almost doesn't count for anything. I ALMOST got a piece of Christmas cake is nowhere near my GETTING a piece of Christmas cake."

"Pretty sure he would consider that a completely different matter." Lorna said taking a step back from the tree to plug in the lights.

"You missed a spot," Titch said helpfully as she licked bits of digestive cookie off the chaise.  Rabbits were not neat eaters.

Her Aunty Lorna sighed and fixed it. "Okay, I'm done. I'll do the ornaments tomorrow."

Titch hopped off the couch and up onto the nearby squooshy chair to evaluate. "We did a good job even if I do say so myself!

Lorna managed to lean down to kiss the bunny on the forehead. "Best Christmas helper, ever."

"I'll be back tomorrow to help you with ornaments!" Titch said dashing off to the closet to get home.

Lorna sighed again and flomped back onto her chair. It was amazing anything ever got done with bunny "help."

Saturday, July 2, 2022

[Cat Fanfiction] [Highly Silly] BOOM! HEADSHOT!


Her gloriousness, high majesty, empress of all she surveyed and goddess of a small but growing church, let out a victorious "BOOM! HEADSHOT!"

Really, humans were so silly. Their reaction speed was terrible.

"Dude, did you just meow into your mic?"

Boobins paused her character's tea bagging to hit a macro. "Meowing for victory!" said the text to voice.

"That's weird." came the reply.

Tap, tap, tap. "You're weird and slow." was her computer's reply. "I don't even have thumbs, and I'm outscoring you fifteen kills to none."

"Uh, he's a healer." another voice protested.

"FINE!" She went back to start and switched to a healer. Really, who used such stupid excuses for incompetence?

One of the neighbours was listening to Beastie Boys rather loudly. She kind of liked it, so she decided not to short out their power. Not like the one who had yodelled whenever he got laid, like he was thanking the powers for someone actually wanting to touch his unwashed self. Maybe he paid well, she offered sympathy to the local sex workers and sent a minor blessing their way.

Once back onto the field of play, she hip shot one of her opponents into a hole and laughed as their character screamed to their deaths. She then healed herself, which had the side bonus of healing those who happened to be near. If they weren't near the healer, it was their own stupid fault and the monkeys deserved to die.

Right, humans. Her humom got upset when she called them apes. She tended to forget by halfway through a game.

"Was that a yowl? Is your cat okay?" The first voice again. The claimed to be healer.

"My cat is sad at how badly you play." was the macroed reply. Really, the ape - humans - were so predictable.

"You may be a good player, but man, are you a jerk!" The second voice. Probably a Canadian or other type of bleeding heart.

"SUCK IT." another macroed reply, this one a custom voice.

She murdered several more humans characters before the timer wore out. Sure, she didn't help much with the mission's goal, but murdering was more fun anyway.

Tap, tap, tap.

"Healer kills, nine. You guys suck." she let the insult fly before leaving the game and queued up for another.  She then sent a power surge to the bleeding heart's house. He could think about being a tree hugger while waiting for his power company to figure out what happened. He should be grateful she didn't curdle his maple syrup.

She could get a few more games in before nap time. Murdering the silly humans always gave her good dreams, and her good dreams meant good fortune for the ones she blessed. If she felt like it. Sometimes it was hard to decide if she felt benevolent or not after a long day.

Friday, April 29, 2022

[Bunny Fanfiction] The ghostly wrath of Mr Mick.

Teddy hopped a few steps one direction and then hopped back a few in the other. He tilted his head in one direction and sniffed. The boathouse was old, large, and drafty. The ship he was staring at and trying to figure out was very pretty and young. He turned to look at Titch "Okay, but what do we do with it?"

Titch shrugged.

Teddy ignored the twin gerbil gasps of horror when he reached forward and tasted the wood. Very salty, not very chewy. By the teeth marks, he was far from the first rabbit who had done so.

"What - what do you.. YOU DON'T EAT IT!" John declared, shaking a small paw from where he and his brother were sitting on the railing around the hull. "You go on ADVENTURES! You sail across the seas, you tally-ho and --"

"I think that's British, not Danish." Smith observed. "Vikings were more burn the hovels of the unwashed masses, steal their wheat and women."

"You shouldn't steal people!" Titch protested with a mighty thump on the wooden planks of the dock.

"They did it by doing things like bathing and reading." Smith told her.

"HMPH. Well, I'll tell that Viking Kim that if he steals anyone, I'll give him a right thumping and chew through his keyboard wire."

Teddy wondered if he should point out that Mr Kim got a wireless keyboard due to rabbit threats of revenge, or if that would mean Titch would just find something else to chomp.

"I think I like Captain Ren's ship better." Teddy finally said, cutting through the gerbils and Titch glaring at each other.  "It's warmer, it smells better, and it has tea." Not that Teddy much liked tea, Cindy always gave him pear juice, but he'd heard the British liked tea and Titch was a British.

"Gah!" John very dramatically clutched at his chest and fell backwards into the ship. "Stabbed! Betrayed! Rabbit kind has forgotten their rampaging roots!"

Smith scurried over to look down to where John had fallen onto a pillow over a sea chest. His brother was still over-acting his horror. The darker gerbil turned back to Teddy and Titch, "I think you guys should be careful,"

"Careful?!  Because Captain Ren's ship is big, beautiful, requires no work from us and lets us lounge around in the sun?! Or that a gerbil may get all cranky?" Titch snorted and tossed her ears, almost as over-dramatic as the gerbil. "What's going to happen? I appreciate Speedy and Mick liked this pile of twigs but.."

She got no further because a certain ghost of an orange lop couldn't take the disparagement of his beloved ship any longer and abused rabbit privilege to appear in a fluff of fur and grumpitude. "BETTER THAN MY LONGSHIP?!" Growled Mick, thumping loudly twice.

"YES." Titch said right back with her own echoing thumps.

Teddy hopped up and scrambled to the other side of the gunwale and hunkered down with the gerbils.

"THIS SHIP SAILED THE NORTHERN WATERS! SCOURGE OF THE SEAS! PILLAGED THE SHORES OF .. Somewhere. There was that thing with the weather balloon.. Oh, yes, and your Mum almost bopped a rude Viking on the nose."

"That does sound like my Mum," Titch said proudly. "BUT! This thing doesn't even have a roof! What do you do when it rains?!"

"Go down the bunny hatch or get a human to hold an umbrella." Mick said, implying she was the daftest doe to ever hop.

Teddy turned to look at the back of the ship, sure enough, there was a very non-standard hatch that probably lead through a bunny portal to some sort of room of plenty. It didn't look large enough for a human to get through, so who would serve the bunny crew? He still wasn't seeing how this was supposed to be better than a pirate ship.

"I'm still not seeing why you two played around with this thing." Titch grumbled, agreeing with Teddy's inner thoughts. Probably why she was his best friend.

"Even the gerbils understand why it's cool, and they're GERBILS." Mick said with a two front paw thump.

The gerbils in question looked at each other and decided staying out of sight was the best bet. While they generally agreed with Mr Mick on his views of the universe, he wasn't the easiest friend to have.

"Well, they can have it then." Titch said with a sniff.  

Teddy ducked down behind the bulwark, getting out of the line of fire.

"GERBILS WILL NOT HAVE MY SHIP! The ship was gifted to me by Kim the Viking and then left to Speedy and from Speedy to you! It's your duty to care for the greatest ship to ever sail!" The fact that Kim hadn't MEANT to give the ship to him was completely irrelevant. Sometimes a bun had to step in and help the humans do the right thing.

"Oh poo on that." Titch replied with a sniff. "I'll look after the hunk of wood, but I still don't think it's worth much of anything or better than the Rum Rabbit."

Mick made a strange gurgling noise, sounding like he was being tortured, before he flomped over on his side.

Teddy leaned up over the gunwale, "Are you okay, Mr Mick?" he asked politely.

"Betrayed! Turned upon by my own lagomorphic kin! Unappreciators! Heathens!" He growled, ear over eye.

"Did you want some banana? Mom packed us some banana bread."

Mick turned over onto his feet, "Nope. I'm not eating with your turn-fur-coats! I'm going back to the unending buffet and ear rubs. Hmph. Not liking.. Thinking Cap'n Ren's ship is better.. How rude!" He thumped and in a burst of fur the ghost disappeared.

"Well, he's certainly loud about nothing." Titch observed. She sniffed. "Did you want to go find the dandelions now?" She was beyond bored with the silly boat.

"I do like dandelions." Teddy agreed as the gerbils scrambled up on his back. He didn't mind playing taxi, it was better than having to watch Titch run off because she refused to move at gerbil speeds.

"Allonsy!" John announced.

Friday, April 15, 2022

[The Mummy Fanfiction] The Mummy 4!


I couldn't decide on what to watch last night at the gym, so I went with the cinematic masterpiece #TheMummy

Let me just say - I think this trilogy needs a fourth part.

* * *

Grandpa O'Connell and Grandpa Bay sitting on the porch when Alex shows up.

Alex: Dad! You'll never guess what the Twins have done!
Ardeth: Released a Mummy?
Rick: That's a safe bet.
Alex: You have to help!
Rick: Nah. Talk to your mother.
Ardeth: Maybe your uncle.
Evie [From the Library]: I am NOT chasing after another Mummy!
Rick [Softly] : Unless he has a library.
Evie: Wait, does he have a library?
Alex: I don't know Mum, I just know he has the Twins and Lin left me a note saying she's gone after them!
Rick: Well, you better catch up!
Ardeth: Did you need transport?
Evie: Have you had lunch yet?
Rick: I think we can get you an airplane. Some weapons. Snacks.
Ardeth: Yes snacks.
Alex: I'm going to go talk to Uncle Jonathon.
Rick: Try not to die!

[Alex stomps off]

Evie [coming onto the porch]: Richard O'Connell, if you think you're going to get into all sorts of trouble and throw out your back and leg AGAIN, I'm going to sue for divorce.
Rick: Ardeth made me.

[Ardeth glares]

Evie: Oh yes, twisted your rubber arm. Obviously.
Rick: We'll just observe and suggest!
Evie: We bloody well will not. We'll supply, fund, and document. From a safe distance.
Rick [Hopeful look]: Dynamite throwing distance?
Evie [sighs]: Only if you're good and promise no hand to hand or gymnastics.

Ardeth [murmering]: Fee amaan Allah.

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

[Silly Fiction] Katie, Clifton, some cats, and The House.



The blood on the wall scrawled out, "He was mean to Katie." The writing was done much like a ham-fisted child would use a large chunk of chalk to write on a sidewalk.

Katie sighed and started up the stairs to the attic hatch. Really, who did they think would clean up this mess? She stopped under the attic hatch and pulled the handle down. "Who did you eat?"

She could feel their attention on her, much like a sulky child's.

"You can't just eat people. We have a deal."

The shutters creaked, but no reply came forth.

"Were they a serial rapist, mass murderer, book burner, Nazi or anything along those lines?" She already knew the answers, but one had to be firm. Katie tapped her foot, looking her most stern.

"No." Came the grudging reply. The hollow voice whispered through the house, wrapping around Katie twice before fading out.

"Is being mean to me a reason to eat them?" She asked.

"Yes?" Came the hopeful answer.

"No." Katie corrected.

"Aunt Dawn says it is!" The House protested.

"Aunty Dawn is not a good influence." She muttered. "Then you tell Aunty Dawn that someone is being mean to me, and she'll handle it." She'd worry about that if The House figured out how to use phones or a computer.

"He was mean to Ragekitten!" came the protest back, the voice grumbling.

"What did he do?" Katie had been pretty sure the house's victim had been the jerk next door, but this just confirmed it. Jones was the type of asshole that thought one type of animal was better than another and declared dogs better than cats. He'd tried to lecture more than once about the wonders of dogs over cats and how he hated cats. With that attitude, Katie was pretty sure if she were a cat, she'd hate him right back.

There was a long silence. "He hissed at him and tried to spray the hose on Ragekitten through the open window."

Katie was mildly surprised. The snotwad had grown up next to The House, you'd think he'd have half a brain cell to use not to pick a fight with them. "Still not an eating offence." Katie informed The House.

"Should be." came the muttered response.

"Put him back together and puke him out." Katie told The House.

"Fine." The pipes started to rattle and the floorboards creaked.

Katie shook her head with a sigh and went back downstairs. She found hubby Clifton looking at the words written in blood.

"Who'd The House eat?"

"Jones from next door."

"Good, he's an asshole." Clifton replied, sitting down to take his shoes off.

"Clifton!" Katie protested.

"What? He is!"

"NOT AN EATING OFFENSE." Katie felt she should just start getting buttons made that said that.

Clifton humphed and picked up DePeachie who'd come sniffing around. "Should be." he muttered.

The House and her husband were entirely too alike.