Friday, May 17, 2019

[WoW Fanfiction] Chewie is a sad Tauren.

We're gonna pretend that Leiska is Leensa, an elven paladin not a cat.

Babychewie was a sad Tauren. Everything was coming apart; it was almost worse than when Garrosh was in command. Sylvanus had locked up his chief, and she'd murdered a powerful ally in cold blood, who knows what she was doing to the powerful Orcs behind the scenes and Saurfang was gone.

All the voices of reason stolen away or murdered, and for what? To burn down women and children? To slaughter artisans and innocents? It was enough to make him wonder if he was watching the end of the Horde.

The large shaman sighed over his drink. He couldn't even get whisky in Zandalar. Oh, sure, the Goblins would import it, but it often sold out before he could even get his hands on it and at Goblin like prices. The rum just wasn't enough. It was never enough. The humidity made his fur sticky. The endless heat made him cranky.

The Alliance had murdered a king, and what did the Horde do? Murder it's own.

A large mug got plunked down in front of him; it's contents the shades of amber he was always happy to see. And while he didn't generally like watering down his drinks with ice, in this heat, he was happy to see the cubes inside.

"Someone looks bummed, sister," Raelana said, patting Chewie on the arm. She flomped onto the stool beside him. Rae's armour, usually more absent than present, was gone and she wore a blouse knotted under her breasts and netted leggings.

"It's not unjustified, sister," Leensa said, plomping herself down onto the other stool. Her usual battered armour replaced with a cropped blouse and long shorts.

"Mmmrgh." Chewie managed, taking a swig of the whisky.

"Smuggled it out of Ironforge ourselves!" Rae said happily.

Leensa grinned. "And by smuggled, she means we broke in, smashed heads, raided the tavern, took a few kegs and came looking for you."

"Kegs?" Chewie asked, perking up.

"Kegs," Rae confirmed wriggling her long eyebrows. "They're sitting under an ice elemental. He's not happy about it, but that's his mage's problem."

"So, what're you up to besides moping?" Leensa asked the shaman.

"I am not moping."

"Are too," Raelanna replied.

"Are three." Leensa agreed.

Chewie sighed. "The Horde is dying."

"Is not," Raelanna told me.

"Is not three," Leensa added.

Chewie blinked and looked at the paladin who just shrugged at him. It'd seemed amusing to her at the time.

Rae clapped her hands and rubbed them together. "Look. We can sit in a bar drinking fantastic whisky and moping about what's going on and doing nothing, or we can sit in a bar drinking fantastic whisky and then go discover what the hell Sylvanus is up to and who is with us to stop this insanity."

"With paladin subtly, of course," Leensa added with an innocent smile.

Chewie groaned.

"I mean, she was a great Banshee Queen, she had someone to rein her in when she got too big for her britches, but as Warchief.. nuh uh. Gotta go."

"So let's figure out a way to keep her AND get a good warchief going. She's got the heart of the Horde in mind, too bad she has no soul."

"Can't we just resurrect Vol'Jin?" Leensa grumped.

"NO!" Chewie and Rae yelled in the same voice.

"No," Chewie repeated. "With all the weird stuff with old gods and souls going awol and the loa and .. no. Even if his spirit hadn't moved on, even if the legion hadn't corrupted his body when it killed him, just no. It would be far too dangerous and an all-around bad idea."

"At least Syvie didn't make him Forsaken." All three shuddered.

Rae downed her shot on whisky, a shot that was one third the size of Chewie's. "Let's go kick some ass."

Leensa downed her own. "Right!" she paused. "Where are we starting?"

"With the Goblins," Chewie said, downing his own whisky with satisfaction. "Easily bribed, get everywhere, and if we give them stuff to blow up, they'll be even happier."

"See! This is why we like you, Chewie, you come up with ideas that involve explosions!" Rae jumped up off the stool, wobbled a bit, and steadied.

"No.. I didn't.." He sighed. He felt like a babysitter with these two. He was trying to herd babies with big swords and no sense.

"Ohh, and head butting! Let's get our armour. Grab your hammer, Chewie! We'll meet you on the docks!" Leensa got off her stool more carefully than her sister. She didn't quite have Rae's alcohol tolerance.

Chewie looked at his empty mug and wondered if he should finish the rum too. He might need it before another adventure with the Blood Elf sisters.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

[WoW Fanfiction] [NSFW] [NC-17] Maurata and Rhasody : Snuggle time!

The two Pandaren women were lying entwined in Master Chin's guest room. Rhasody found the neck rests a bit squooshy so she used Maurata's upper chest for a pillow instead. Maurata was idly circling and playing with one of Rhasody's nipples.  Still hot and sweaty from enthusiastic sex, the covers were pooled at their feet. Maurata's tail was still, not even twitching at the end.

"So.. " Maurata started, "Have you ever thought about going out into the world beyond?"

Rhasody raised an eyebrow in query. She wasn't quite ready to find the energy to speak yet. Even opening her eyes seemed like too much work.

"I mean, you've obviously got the Wandering Isle wanderlust as you came here, but .. Have you ever thought about what's beyond Pandaria and the horizons? What its like in the great city of Silvermoon or the tree city of Darnasus or.."

Rhasody opened one eye. "You'd follow Firepaw to Durotan, wouldn't you?"

Maurata made a scoffing noise, "Of course! Cloudsinger is all about tea and leaves, she wouldn't know a well-grilled goose if it fell in her lap."

Rhasody couldn't help but chuckle at that. It was probably a good thing Maurata was as good a cook as she was an eater or she'd starve. She managed to find the energy to wrap a very much abused pig-tail around a finger to play with. Maurata's hair was a mess, she shuddered to think what her own looked like.

"Orcs probably have more substantial meals than Elves." Rhasody teased.

"This is true. We'd have to sneak into the allied cities to look around. But can humans even tell the difference between a Huojin and a Tushui?" Maurata's hand was circling lower.

"Nuuurgh.." Rhasody managed before picking up Maurata's hand and plonking it back on her tummy. She didn't know where Maurata's endless energy came from, even with all the food, but she really didn't share it!

"I heard that their guards can read auras, but surely one Pandaren looks the same to another.. And how can EVERY guard read an aura? I bet the ones that can are only on the important entries.."

"You want to go to Stormwind, don't you?" Rhasody asked warily. She was still feeling a bit warm and fuzzy that this epic journey seemed to automatically include her. She should probably consider the wisdom in invading a human city uninvited.

"I REALLY want to see a griffon! And I hear the view from the cliff over the harbour is amazing! And then there's that ride through the sea to the dwarf town! That sounds fun! I'm told you can watch the fish and everything!" Maurata was giving Rhasody sad turtle eyes.

"You must really want to go, you haven't even mentioned food." Rhasody teased her girlfriend.

"Oh. Human food." Maurata wrinkled her nose in disgust. "It's all boiled and mushy. They use almost no spices, think black pepper is a delicacy and mustard is spicy." She sighed, "I tried to enlighten one of their cooks but he got very upset. I had to dump a thundercloud on him and make a quick getaway. At least Orcs, who think everything should still be bloody on the plate, are open to trying new things!"

"What about Dwarves?" Rhasody asked, unintentionally drawn into the comparison of racial cuisine.

"It's nothing to bring home, but their drinks... Oh my, do dwarves know how to make mead! Why I bet Chen himself learned a thing or two!"

"So I will be carrying you out in a wheelbarrow. Got it." Rhasody teased.

"Wait -- so you want to go?" Maurata's eyes sparkled.

Rhasody held her lover's hand to her lips to nibble on the tips, she was suddenly feeling a lot more energetic. "Nothing sounds better than exploring all of Azeroth with you."

"Just Azeroth?" Maurata asked, hand wandering south once more. Her eyes sparkled, "I heard that the humans found a way to travel to another world!"

"And probably started a war there too," Rhasody replied. The snark would have been stronger if Maurata's deft fingers hadn't parted her folds to stroke within. Her lover was also nibbling on her ear and breathing softly into it.

"I will employ a Tauren phrase.." Maurata teased as Rhasody rolled onto her elbow to nuzzle her neck. "Make love, not war."

Rhasody was fairly sure that was more an elf thing, there certainly were enough of them across the world. She, however, wasn't about to quibble when Maurata's tongue was starting to do such interesting things with her own.

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

[Bunny Fiction] [Looney Toons] A Good day for a forest hop.

It was yet another fine day in the forest. The birds were chirping, there were white fluffy clouds that seemed almost painted on to the two-tone blue sky, there was a large black duck arguing with a dopey hunter with a gun. A grey and white rabbit was mostly in a hole, elbows propped on the ground as watched the hunter and the duck argue.  A small black and white bunny hopped up to the large grey and white rabbit.

"Nyah, what's up Doc?" The rather famous grey and white bunny asked of the small black and white bunny.

"Duck." Came the black and white rabbit's reply.

"Okay, confused little rabbit, what's up Duck?" Bugs Bunny, for who else could it be, pulled a carrot seemingly out of nowhere and started to snack.

"It's actually Ducky." Ducky explained.

"But you are a rabbit." Bugs pointed out.


"Named after a duck."

"I didn't name me." Ducky was happy to point out.

"An excellent point my diminutive little friend." Bugs said.

"You can't just go around the forest shooting at any old animal who crosses your path!" The black duck was trying to explain. He was waving around his arm like wings and spitting a lot.

"I think I can!" said the hunter, getting his gun ready.

"Oh, not this again." Bugs said, hauling himself out of his hole. "Look Fudd, every time you shoot that gun, every animal goes scurrying every which way and interrupt any very important naps I happen to be taking."

"You stay out of this, rabbit!" said the duck.

"That's Daffy," Bugs said in an aside to Ducky. "You're a better duck than he is."

"You know.." Elmer said thoughtfully, "Rabbit season and duck season overlaps this year."

"That's a lie!" Daffy spluttered, more arm/wing waving.

"Maybe," Elmer Fudd said slyly, "But who'll be around to tell?"

"I hate it when they make me work." muttered Bugs. "Stand back." He told Ducky and pulled a black orb with a sparking wick on it out of nowhere. He threw it to Elmer. "Your problem now!"

Bugs picked up Ducky and didn't quite dash back towards his hole.

Elmer threw the bomb to Daffy. Daffy yelped a "Not it!"  and threw it back.

The two rabbits sat by Bugs' hole and watched the bomb get thrown back and forth as the fuse got shorter and shorter. "This is where it gets good." Bugs said.

Ducky put his paws over his eyes. He didn't like hunters, but he didn't think that the mess was fair. He just didn't really know how to intercede.

"Don't worry, Duck. I'm a nice rabbit." Bugs patted Ducky between the ears.

Before Ducky could decide what evidence had ever been presented on Bugs' niceness, the bomb exploded.

Glitter went everywhere, inside the gun, in feathers, it blew Elmer's hat off, sent Daffy backward several steps and a sign fluttered down from the sky that said "Human season!"

Several not-duck birds decided this meant they should use Elmer for target practice.

"Ahh!" Fudd managed as he ran from white splatters falling from the sky and mocking caws and cheeps.

"See? I'm mostly nice." Bugs said, dusting off his hands. "Wanna come in for some tea and carrots?"

"I do like carrots," Ducky said, head in a bit of a spin. This was a very strange place he'd found through the closet. He was starting to see why so many rabbits just stayed home.

"It's the sugar content, mostly," Bugs was saying as he went into his hole. Ducky found the stairs easy enough to hop down. "But it became a tradition, y'know?"

Bugs stopped and leaned up and over Ducky to look out the hole, "Hey Daffy, you want some tea?"

The glittering duck appeared, "You're despicable."

Bugs tilted his head to one side and waited.

"Yes, I want the tea."  Daffy stomped down the stairs past Ducky.

"He's my best friend you know." Bugs confided.

Ducky was glad his best friends were far more sensible.. and less glittery.

Monday, October 15, 2018

[Commission] [WoW Fanfiction] Maurata & Rhasody - Noodles and Sha

Maurata & Rhasody being adorable.
Commissioned by Yaks

Maurata had absolutely given up on returning the turtle to the water and so had named him Kaj and just had him ride on her shoulder.

There were no gates to the village of Dawn's Blossom. It was a matter of climb some stairs and you were in the square, Maurata couldn't even remember a story of a time of gates, even in times of war. Chances were, some Pandaren at some point in time and thought the aesthetic was important and removed any gates that had ever existed. It wouldn't even really surprise her if there had never been gates in the first place.

"So, really, no sha? At all?" Maurata asked as they passed through the archway and into the village square. "That must be nice."  She was very studiously ignoring the guard who was having his lunch break and paying absolutely no attention to them.

"All peace and harmony until your turtle takes a warship to the flipper and tries to sail into the maelstrom," Rhasody answered wryly. She'd been through Dawn's Blossom only one since arriving in the homeland, but it seemed a nice enough place. No one stopped to wave or smile, but they didn't growl or anything either.

"Oh! Chin's open!" Maurata exclaimed, grabbing Rhasody by the hand to tug her along faster. Rhasody had no idea how Kaj stayed on Maurata's shoulder with all her bouncing around.

Rhasody was also starting to think the theory that the mainland Pandaren were more relaxed and controlled than their island cousins had skipped past Maurata entirely. The shaman had only degrees of enthusiasm and bounce. If there was a sha of happiness, Maurata was its avatar. Assuming sha ate buns and potstickers, of course.

"Master Chin!" Maurata greeted the vendor with a deep bow. Kaj placed a flipper on a pigtail to keep his balance. Rhasody had to admit even amongst the collection of cart vender's, Master Chin's smelled the best.

"Watersinger Maurata!" He replied, already fetching two bowls and filling them with noodle soup. "Just the lady I am happy to see!"

"Oh, I'm happy when people are happy to see me!" Maurata said, tail swishing as she sat on a stool, patting the one beside her for Rhasody.

"Are you ever not happy?" Rhasody teased, sitting on the stool.

"When I'm doing laundry. I hate laundry." Maurata did her best fierce, unhappy, face. It wasn't very convincing.

"I'll be happy to do your laundry," Rhasody told her, taking Maurata's hand and kissing the back of it.

Maurata did the hand-fan-face gesture and fluttered her eyelashes. "Deal, I'll provide food, you do laundry."

Rhasody wondered if paying the village laundress to do the laundry would count.

Chin, having waited for young love flirtation to subside rubbed his hands together, "You see, I have a little problem." He said, drawing their attention back. "I sent my nephew off to the Arboretum to get me some more honey for my peanut sauce --"

"I KNEW IT!" Maurata exclaimed. Several Pandaren, Rhasody, and Chin included stared at her. She coughed into her hand. "Er, sorry. I just had this theory about the type of honey you used and.." she let the explanation fade at their looks and put her elbows on the counter, cupped her chin with her palms and smiled her best, "Sorry Master Chin, you were saying?"

Rhasody may have rolled her eyes.

"Yes, well, my nephew has not returned. I thought at first he may have just stayed the night at the Arboretum having watched the serpent races or perhaps met... Ah, a friend. But as he is long overdue, I grow quite concerned."

"We can go look, right Rhas?" Maurata offered.

"And when we get back you'll feed us again?" Rhasody said hopefully, having slurped down noodles while the two were talking.

"I shall feed you my best noodles AND you shall stay in my guest room for as long as you need!" Master Chin declared.

Rhasody bowed, "Deal!"

He returned her bow.

They both looked to Maurata who had only started to eat her noodles. "What? NOW?" She said with a sigh, getting to her feet. "I'll return the bowl, Master Chin." She said sadly, tail down as she walked towards the gate, still eating.

Rhasody DID roll her eyes. "We'll find your nephew, Master Chin, don't you worry."  She jogged to catch up with Maurata.

* * *

They were about halfway to the Arboretum when Maurata heard the unique sound of shalings. To Rhasody it just sounded like hissing into a well and she didn't quite know what to make of it but when Maurata broke into a trot, she pulled out her bow and followed.

Upon seeing the overturned cart with the shadow monsters trying to shove at it, Maurata moved Kaj to her backpack and manifested a totem in the middle of the road.

Rhasody dumped her own pack at the side of the road and pulled back and arrow. Her arrow flew straight and true and right through a shaling that turned to her with a long, hollow, hiss. "What the... How do you kill these things?!"

Maurata was trying to evaluate what spirits were available. "They're not alive. They're just goop from a negative place and negative emotion given form. These ones are mostly anger. Guess someone forgot to pay their bar tab."

"Really?" Rhasody muttered, "She makes bad jokes at a time like this?"

"Well, I'd make a good one if I wasn't busy!" Maurata fired back. The totem at her feet exploded and shot lightning at all the shalings who paused in mid-attack. "Now'd be a good time to do something!"

"Oh yeah, let me just strap a sha blaster to my back," Rhasody grumbled, focusing on her bow and channeling her chi into her arrow before releasing it into the nearest shaling. The arrow struck true and Rhasody let go of the energy as the arrow was halfway through its mass. The shaling exploded and dissipated into a dark puddle of goo on the ground.

"And that's how we do it!" Maurata exclaimed, pulling power from the clouds and firing bolts of lightning from her fingers.

Rhasody shook her head to clear it and gain focus, having been distracted by watching her probably-girlfriend blow up half a dozen shalings.  She fired three arrows fired at once and three shalings exploded. Rhasody would admit, silently to herself that maybe she was trying to impress her probably-girlfriend.

The shalings seemed to have decided whatever was under the cart was of less interest than Rhasody. Even with Maurata blowing them up with lightning they chased after the hunter who was firing exploding arrows.

"That's perfect!" Maurata called as Rhasody jogged backward, firing arrows.  "Keep them busy!"

"Keep them.." Rhasody boggled at Maurata's ideas of good tactics. "If I get eaten, I'm not forgiving you!"

"Don't worry! I can heal you!" Maurata said and waved with her fingers as she went to investigate the cart.

"Wait! What are you -- " Rhasody fired a few more arrows, "A little help!"

"You're fiiine!" Maurata assured Rhasody as she peeked under the cart. "Good news! Found Chin's nephew!"

"He's alive, right?" Rhasody called, blowing up a few more shalings as she kept circling around backward. She was starting to get a bit dizzy and a bit concerned about her arrow supply.

"That would be what makes it GOOD news, Rhas!" Maurata said with a head shake. "BAD news would be he's... Er, well, sha food."

Rhasody blew up the last shaling and flumped right in the middle of the road. "Just let me lie here for a while. I think I used every trick I've got."

Maurata came over and leaned over the hunter to give her a smooch. "And you did wonderfully!" A water elemental appeared at Rhasody's feed to rub them. It felt very strange but she wasn't going to complain.

Another elemental followed Maurata over to the cart and helped her turn it back on its wheels. "You alright in there... Er, I don't think Master Chin told us your name."

"I am Zhan-Jo," the adolescent Pandaren said, accepting Maurata's hand up. "My girlfriend Ji-Sun was angry I did not stay longer." He looked around at the puddles of Shalings on the ground. "I had not thought her THIS angry." He looked at the jugs of honey, most of them broken. "My uncle is going to kill me."

"No! No despair!" Maurata said, clapping a hand over Zhan-Jo's mouth. "Especially not at a recent sha site! Your Uncle will be very happy you're in one piece and healthy! You were very smart to overturn the cart and use it for protection! Your girlfriend will be happy you're fine! You should come home with us now and everything will be fine."

Rhasody's eyebrows were raised. She wasn't quite sure if Maurata's reaction was over the top or not, but the shaman seemed quite serious about it. She sat up and the water elemental gave happy little cheeps before disappearing back into the ditch beside the road. With a sigh, the hunter got up and pulled her backpack on.

Doubtfully Zhan-Jo picked up the poles at the front of the cart and maneuvered it into the ruts of the road and started back towards Dawn's Blossom village.

Maurata clapped her hands together and skipped over to Rhasody. Rhas put her arm against the shorter woman and rested her cheek against Maurata. "Well, that was fun!" Maurata declared. "Shall we get back to Master Chin and have more noodles?"

Rhasody laughed and pulled away. "Right, must find the noodles. Very important."

Maurata did her best to look mock affronted "Dinner is one of my three favorite meals of the day!"

Thursday, October 11, 2018

[Commision] [Cat Fiction] [Part One] The Case of the Missing Hot Dogs.

Commissioned by Glen.

Chapter One

It was a dark and rainy night this one time in Greater Vancouver. The Greater Vancouver Regional District could be found in the south-west corner of British Columbia; a province of Canada that lived on the west coast beside the Pacific Ocean. On this night there was a crescent moon that was bravely trying to fight through the cloud cover but wouldn't have enough strength to succeed for at least another week. The story we are about to enjoy takes part in what is called a suburb by those in Vancouver and a city unto itself by those that live in it. The residents call it Coquitlam, a beautiful city with many delightful things. The Salish people have wandered the area for over nine thousand years but the silly white folk think the city's origins really began in the nineteenth century when French mill workers thought it was a good place to live. White folk are often wrong about a lot of things but the city named after a "red fish up the river" is where we find ourselves on this evening.

One particular location in one particular part of Coquitlam was a house built in the 1970s population boom. The region decided to build a highway and a great number of people decided to drive up and see what was at the end of it. This house was second in from the corner and was across from a twenty-four gas station and a regional park. During the days and evenings kids and not so kids could be heard playing in the lacrosse box. On this particular evening, it was quiet, the lights from the gas station blurred neon across the puddles in the street. The puddles were dancing from the raindrops splashing into them. Those puddles were shattered whenever a car drove through at speeds excessive of the posted limit. Many residents felt speed limit signs were guides on what the minimum speed should be, not the maximum. Community posts on Facebook always had rumblings about "a child is going to get hurt!" If Facebook had been around when the community was founded, there probably would have been posts about it then. Unfortunately, throughout the years many children had been hurt but the cars kept on speeding through.

The main source of sound on this evening was the trains rumbling and sounding their horns at the crossing. A lonely sound to many, but the trains were declaring that they were there. The trains reached out to remind people of their existence and their importance at bringing freight across the mighty country of Canada. Police sirens occasionally could be heard, unfortunately nowhere near the speeders of the street. But it was a quiet evening for the most part.

Out of the older house crept a small, cream coloured, rather fluffy, cat. She'd had to use a back window because the front door often squeaked. She had a furtive glance over her shoulder as she hopped up onto the fence that separated the front yard from the backyard and then hopped back down again, barely moving a blade of grass. There was a light breeze that ruffled her long fur as she paused, making sure her absence hadn't been noticed. She wasn't supposed to be out and about after all.

She crept across the yard to the neighbours where an old VW Microbus sat, seemingly forgotten. It was an orange and white vehicle with flat tires that had definitely seen better days. One headlight was missing, there was a dent in the roof, and the hatchback didn't close all the way. The body probably had more rust than original metal. It lay forgotten and unwanted in the corner of the front yard. Unwanted, that is, except by one cat who called it her nighttime home.

The cat wriggled in through the hatchback with practiced ease. The lights from the gas station provided more than enough light for her to see. The technician was standing behind the kiosk smoking the green leaves and happy in his own little world. Living in British Columbia the cat was more than used to the green leaf and its smell, but she didn't quite understand why the humans lit it on fire and breathed smoke. Happy feelings were found from rolling around in the bits of the green leaves to bruise them and get them to release their secrets. Any sensible cat knew that.

The vehicle's treasures were few but precious. There was an old laptop with a missing R key that her human had called 'antiquated' and had put in the pile for recycling. She'd, with great effort, managed to smuggle it out and into her hiding place.  She'd had a great battle to get the table of the Microbus to cooperate and then she'd had to wrestle one of the old cat beds out. Her human had kept insisting it was old and ratty and had to go in the garbage but the cat thought this was very silly. Humans were often quite silly. She'd stolen the bed and let the human think he had finally done thrown it away. She was happy to use it for a place to curl up when she was using her laptop.

There was an even more ancient captioned telephone beside the laptop. The cat hadn't managed to get her hands on a cell phone for texting yet, so she had to pretend to be mute and deaf when she wanted to communicate directly with the humans outside of her home. She felt bad claiming disabilities she didn't have, but one had to make do when dealing with the human world. 

As hiding places went, it was a comfortable one. It kept the rain out, it had bits to play with, lots of places to hide, and enough leaves and ground cover between the van and the house so no one saw her pirated electricity and phone lines. The pine trees overhead kept the sun out in the summer and helped keep some of the warmth in the winter.

It was the perfect place to get one's self a better dinner than kibble.

Chapter Two

The hero of our story is a simple cat with simple needs. Her pet human called her 'Captain Fluffnstuff' and variations thereof. It was surprisingly close to her cat name, so she humoured him and pretended it was her name. It was amazing how far wrong humans could go when it came to naming their furry companions. She once met a dog named Bob. Who called a dog Bob? The less said about human naming practices of fish the better. Even worse than calling a dog Bob was naming your dinner. Fish were food, not friends.

Captain Fluffnstuff, who will humour us even further and let us call her Fluff and variations thereof, was a young cat of slightly above intelligence. What made her unique is not just her long luxurious coat and fluffy tail but that she is far more ambitious and curious than the average cat. While other cats may lay across a laptop's keyboard for the dual purpose of comforting warmth and irritating their human, Fluff wanted to learn and study human technology. It hadn't taken her long to figure out the internet. It had taken her a bit longer to figure out what to do with the internet.

Now she could spend her evenings doing just about whatever she wanted. She had access to credit cards that may or may not have belonged to her human. She had access to delivery drivers who were too tired and too jaded to even blink at instructions like 'Just give it to the cat' or 'leave it on the step.' She'd learned rather quickly that if you tipped well, they'd do whatever you wanted. Getting daytime deliveries from Amazon had been trickier, but getting the VW its own address had solved things. She got UPS to stick things under the rear axle and she'd fish them out when she could. She'd even managed to get a tarp under there so she didn't have to deal with soggy boxes. There was little worse for napping than a soggy box.

Fluffnstuff wasn't a hunter by nature. She'd chase off the mice and other animals if they bothered her, but for the most part, she was willing to live and let live. After all, why would you need to go to all the trouble of hunting down a rodent if you could just order pizza from online and have it delivered? If worst came to worst, there was also kibble in the house. There were far more interesting things to do than stalk through the mud.

So, she placed an order for dinner and started reading Reddit. The humans had all sorts of funny ideas that she liked to dispute. Sometimes her logic was a bit fuzzy, but then, so was she.

Chapter Three

Captain Fluffnstuff awoke with a yawn, giving her front paws a quick clean. She wouldn't admit to sometimes drooling is her sleep as it was undignified. A queen never did anything undignified, at least, not where anyone else could possibly see her. With a yawn and a stretch, she checked her dinner order as 'delivered'  She must have slept through the arrival on the delivery car unless it was that overly enthusiastic teenage human who liked to ride his bike all over the place. The silly human must bike kilometer after kilometer, although she supposed he didn't have to visit the gas station very often. Unless he liked to smoke green leaf with the attendants.

She wriggled out of the back of the VW Microbus and sauntered over to the front porch. There was a small bench there that was probably for sitting on but all it ever got used for was collecting the advertisements of grocery stores, the plethora of newspapers that Coquitlam seemed to produce and whatever had been ordered and left.

Something truly tragic was quickly discovered. There were no hot dogs. She had placed the order. The order had in fact been confirmed. There was the flat box that the bicycle delivery human liked to use. His preferred boxes were useless for naps since they were so shallow but she tried to humour him without much complaint.  Captain Fluffnstuff didn't quite run back to her home away from home to look up the delivery status, but it would be reasonable enough to call it a sprint. The delivery was confirmed as left on the porch. She paced back and forth not quite sure what to do.

Coming to a decision she texted the bicycle delivery human and said she can't find the hot dogs is he sure he left them behind? That was polite and diplomatic and human, wasn't it? She wanted to howl and call him a thief, but she didn't think that would help her get her dinner. Someone was a thief and they'd enjoyed her hot dogs! She'd paid for it and everything with her pet human's money!

It seemed an eternity before she got a text back that assured her he'd left it in the usual place, dude.  Fluff wasn't quite sure what a dude was but she was fairly certain she wasn't one. After all, if anyone knew what they were or weren't it was the person who it applied to and she certainly didn't recall being branded a dude. She even checked her collar tags to make sure. None of them said she was a dude.

With a rumbling growl, she turned on her tail, the faint scent of hot dogs all that was left of the dinner she'd been very much looking forward to. She looked around the yard and up at the trees and across the way. There were plenty of thief suspects to be found. It was unlikely that the gas station worker would cross the road for a hot dog or two when he had his own broiling away. However, the crows had been known to steal things and Raccoons were notorious thieves. Most people thought that the squirrels would be vegetarian and avoid such things as hot dogs but the little coffee addicts would probably eat just about anything that they thought had been left for them. The owl wasn't likely to swoop so low as to eat hot dogs but one never knew.

She sighed the sigh of the long-suffering. She would just have to investigate and find out who stole her hot dogs and then there would be trouble for the thief!

Chapter Four

Raccoons had lived in the yard since before there was a yard to live in. No one had remembered to tell the original family of raccoons that they were supposed to be territorial and kick the males far out of the nest and the girls were supposed to wander off and find mates. Mostly this family had found friends and mates from every which place and dragged them back to their own territory. This led to there being a somewhat raccoon mafia that had taken over acres of territory.

When the white humans came into the lands they caused some problems by cutting down trees and putting up houses. These problems, however, were balanced in the raccoon mind as the humans tended to leave all sorts of lovely garbage around and also have small furry creatures they could steal and eat. Chicken eggs were a particular favourite but a chicken itself would do in a pinch.

Raccoons became devious at figuring out how to get past the things humans like to call raccoon protection. It was very nice of the humans to give them puzzles to play with. Why they even tried the silly bear protections once in a while, but really, everyone knew raccoons were far smarter than bears. After all, when a bear showed up the raccoons cleared out, did you see a bear doing that for a raccoon? No, of course, you didn't. Bears just weren't that smart.

The raccoons had already been taught with fast claws and loud hisses that the furry creatures who currently lived in the houses were not to be messed with. Momma Raccoon's nose still had the marks all these years later. In the cold winter months, she liked to tell her great great great grandkits the stories of the horror of the flashing claw.  Pappa raccoon, who hadn't gotten the memo that he was supposed to have moved out years ago, just rolled his eyes and counted his nuts.

It wasn't hard for Captain Fluffnstuff to corner the raccoons to ask them questions. Where had they been when the food had been delivered, she asked. They were very excited to chitter about the yummy smelling food coming from the human on the bike but they knew better than to steal the cats' food because then they would get in trouble with not only the human with the broom but the captain herself. They'd heard the rattle of the bike and the squeak after he'd put the food down and the rattle as he left again.

They said they'd thought about going and investigating because it did smell very yummy, but they had lots of potato peels to sort through. They were happy to hold up the peels as examples. They muttered that the broccoli was soggy and they didn't know why the humans ever bothered cooking it since no one ever ate it anyway. Fluffnstuff could sympathize, it didn't smell that good when it was being cooked either. The mammals all agreed that the humans should throw away more cheese.

Fluff wasn't convinced that the raccoons hadn't be involved, they were called nature's thieves for a reason but she decided she'd go on to talk to the grumpy old owl rather than pursue this particular string further.

Chapter Five

If someone had told the barren owl who lived in the old pine that she should be up on the side of a mountain somewhere rather than in the middle of a city, she'd have snapped her beak at them and hissed. She was a very good hisser. If a cat hissed at her, she would hiss right back, flex talons and beat her wings at them. The cats and she had come to an agreement that had been passed for the generations of mutually ignoring the other. She was an old and cranky owl now, but she knew she could still give any pesky cat a run for their money. She could still chomp a tail if she had to.

She lived in the old pine that had been struck by lightning twice. Fortunately, she'd been nowhere near the tree either time. It had recovered although after the second time it never again grew quite as tall as it's neighbours. Perhaps even stubborn old pine trees could learn their lessons.

The owl didn't much like the rain, it made her feathers soggy and flying much harder work. Her joints were always aching these days and it took a while to warm up before she could take a proper flight. She preferred to just take short hops and glides rather than go hunting all over. The raccoons often helped by leaving bits and drabs of garbage lying about after they'd had their own dinners. The mice they attracted were good for dinner. Sometimes the raccoons would complain about her pellets at the bottom of the tree. She was of the opinion that really if the pellets were such a problem,  the raccoons could find a new set of trees to live in.

She ruffled her feathers as she watched the noisy cars and ignored the cat stalking about. The cats were always after something, but as long as they weren't trying to steal her dinner she wasn't about to pick a fight. Occasionally, the fluffy one would even leave her things. Of course, sometimes she had to take them because they forgot the pecking order of the yard! Really, was it so hard to be respectful of an owl who had been here since before the cat's mother had been a kitten?

Captain Fluffnstuff had to climb up the tree, which made her irritable. While pine trees weren't that hard to climb, it did mean she got bits of bark and pine needs in her fur. Sometimes the debris would get right wrapped up in her tail fur and it would take forever to work out. To make matters worse, if the owl was feeling particularly grumpy, she'd vomit up pellets to bounce off Fluff's head.  Fluffnstuff was grumpy because someone had stolen her very yummy dinner and then made her climb a tree to find out who had stolen her very yummy dinner. Someone was going to get a snoot full of claws.

The owl saw her coming, the owl saw everything that could be seen. Perhaps she even knew who had stolen her dinner. When asked the owl rolled her eyes and fluffed her feathers and pointed out that she'd still have mustard on her if she'd stolen the food. The owl was far more articulate than a bunch of silly raccoons and had a reputation to uphold. Fluff couldn't remember if the raccoons had had any sauces on them, but knowing them they'd have licked it off each other anyway. T

Fuff wouldn't have seen or heard the owl if she'd gone after the food, but she would have heard the raccoons especially since they tended to fight over everything. So less likely it was the raccoons and more likely it was the owl. However, the owl denied anything to do with it and showed that her wings were still dry because the mice hadn't come out yet. Fluff was pretty sure that wings could be dried fairly quickly and the owl was a grouch, but she couldn't really prove either. After all, maybe feathers did dry faster than fur. The owl was old though, she wasn't up to preening and her feathers looked a bit ragged at the best of times. Fluffnstuff really didn't think the owl was her culprit.

With a sigh, she climbed back down the tree. It was time to wake up some crows.

Chapter Six

The Crows were busybodies that had hiding holes and perches everywhere. They were as likely to head to the rookery in Burnaby as they were to just sleep in the trees in the yard. It all depended on the whims of those around them. They were notorious thieves and they'd steal food, windshield wipers, coins, or just about anything that wasn't nailed down. They'd once managed to work together using a small hammer to even steal a bent, rusty, nail that was half sticking out of the windowsill.  They'd been told they couldn't do it and crows love a challenge.

The crows of the yard, as a whole, objected to the term 'murder of crows' and called themselves a flock. When they were feeling fancy and a little bit silly, they'd refer to themselves as a congress and then caw merrily because congress just another word for a bunch of murders? Not that the crows were murderers, of course, it wasn't their fault if the carrion hadn't quite carried on when they arrived. Why it was only the civilized thing to help them carry on with their carrying on.

Captain Fluffnstuff wasn't particularly fond of the crows because they were silly, pranksters, and were entirely too fond of puns. However, they were the biggest thieves around to be found. The problem was, they didn't typically fly at night. When the did flap around at night, the owl was pretty likely to swoop down and rap them on the heads with a closed fist for bothering her. While a flock of crows probably could take on the average owl, a very cranky old owl wasn't worth the battle. However, the owl had been sulking in her tree and avoiding the rain so it's possibly a sneaky crow or two could have come in and stolen her dinner. It was all getting very complicated.

 Fluff looked up at the tree and started another climb. She found four of the crows in the middle branches, fast asleep. Two had their heads tucked back over their shoulders while the other two were just looking like perched birds with their eyes closed. Fluff wasn't even going to begin to guess who was who, all the crows liked to look alike to confuse and it worked. She clung to the tree for a couple of minutes, tail lashing against the bark. Really, it was the least they could do to notice she was here.

With a swing and a pounce, she landed between two crows. They still didn't wake up. They did, however, wake up, when she shoved one off the branch.  There was a ruckus as all the crows seemed to wake up at once and start flapping around madly, cawing and fussing and doing all sorts of silly crow things. Fluff wrapped her tail around her paws and waited patiently for them to come to their senses.

When she was started to doubt that crows actually had any senses to speak of, they finally settled back down on the tree and started to demand what she'd been up to and why she would ever push them off a tree. Her explanation of she needed them awake didn't seem good enough for the crows and they threatened to push her off the branch. This did offer a matter of some concern to Fluff since she didn't have wings. While she would easily land on her feet it was still a matter of landing with her weight on her joints and paws and it was less than pleasurable. She sighed and offered an apology that the crows seemed to believe.

Things improved for about fifteen seconds because right after the apology she asked them if they'd stolen her dinner. You'd think she'd asked them if they'd stolen the crown jewels of parliament or some such thing. They were offended and upset and caw'd and caw'd some more.

The door of the house opened with a squeak and a blonde head stuck out as it looked around the yard. Obviously, the human was trying to figure out what was upsetting the crows, but it's not like Fluff could explain to him. Humans didn't listen and she wasn't supposed to be out. This evening was turning into an unending supply of problems and she still hadn't found out who had stolen her dinner. The human muttered to himself and closed the door with a firm thud.

Giving up on the crows, she crawled down the side of the tree that the door couldn't see. It was time to face something even worse than crows, it was time to face.. The squirrels.

Chapter Seven

The squirrels of the yard were an unrelated gang who had formed around one particular squirrel. The leader squirrel had grown up in Algonquin Park in Ontario and had some very strange ideas on squirreling. The squirrel had decided that snow and mountains weren't for him and upon deciding that he decided that wherever the sunset would be warmer than where it rose. So, the squirrel found the first large truck heading west and got comfy in the back. He hopped out at rest stops to find food and water and then just found the next big truck going his way.

The squirrel had arrived at a port near the ocean filled with big trucks, cursing humans and many seagulls. It was then he discovered he really didn't like seagulls. Seagulls, it turned out, were loud, messy, and didn't much like squirrels who tried to steal their food. He had some strong thoughts about how seagulls didn't really need french fries, that they had an entire beach of shells they could crack open. Muttering about how it was a pain in the tail to find a new home the squirrel had made his way east until he found a locale that had more trees than seagulls and decided it was home. Of course, he'd had to evict the family of squirrels that thought it was their home, but it was a minor thing after he stole half their nuts and gave the nuts to the crows. The crows, having been quite successfully bribed, were happy to dive bomb the native squirrels at any given opportunity.

So, the eastern squirrel had set up shop in the tree with plenty of nuts to keep him company and bribe crows with. The downside was, he started to get lonely. Especially on the few days that Coquitlam got snow each year. Sometimes it was two feet of snow, sometimes it was two inches, but it was a very rare year that saw more than a grand total of eight days of snow.  In the squirrel's opinion, one day of snow was too much. While snow did create the ice crusts over the mud puddles that were fun to slide on and crunch it wasn't really worth the overall price of cold. So, the squirrel had started to attract other not-so-usual squirrels into his family and soon they'd taken over a couple of trees and kept the local humans completely confused as to why their coffee grounds kept going missing.

The squirrels were addicted to coffee.

They'd bribed a cat to get them one of the press down coffee makers which had the advantage of not needing zappy lines, but the disadvantage of making cold coffee. Cold coffee from used grounds was less than ideal so when they could, they would follow a human into the gas station and steal the gas station's coffee. The easiest time to steal coffee was in the middle of the night, however, it was also the time of the worst coffee. The squirrels had taken to sleeping in shifts just in case an opportunity came along that would make a quick theft possible. If they happened to get a donut or chocolate bar in the process, even better. The raccoons were always happy to open a chocolate bar for them in exchange for half. The eastern squirrel didn't believe in fighting when bribing was much more efficient.

Captain Fluffnstuff wasn't surprised to find the Eastern Squirrel awake in his den when she arrived. Her fur was full of even more debris from the flora of the yard. There was even a small down feather stuck to her collar, probably from a crow since the owl would have been very grumpy if she thought Fluff was trying to steal a feather. Whenever she saw the squirrels the eastern squirrel was awake, he never seemed to sleep.  When she had suggested that perhaps he'd had too much coffee he had become even grumpier than the owl.

Taking a deep breath hoping she wouldn't get squirrels as excitable as the crows had been, she explained about the theft and if they'd seen anything. It was fairly unlikely the squirrels of the yard had turned into omnivores but she wasn't willing to put anyone past anything at this point. After all, hot dogs were pretty tasty.

The squirrels conferred in a scrum, their bushy tails bouncing up and down as they chattered amongst themselves before turning back to the captain. They explained they had not seen her dinner nor had they seen any residents of the yard near it. But for a reasonable fee, they might be willing to investigate the tree residents more thoroughly as they could manner in the trees far better than she could.

She sighed and said she'd keep that as the backup plan. After all, the squirrels were devious and inventive, she wouldn't put it past them to get her to pay them to hide their own tracks. They could have stolen her dinner to sell to one of the other residents after all. The squirrels could be vicious little mercenaries.

Chapter Eight

Captain Fluffnstuff returned to her Microbus to contemplate the situation at paw. All she really knew was that her hot dogs had been delivered and then gone missing. All the potential food thieves denied knowledge of the theft. Even owl hadn't seen anything. They'd all heard the delivery human's bicycle so he hadn't been lying about delivering it and the food place was still warm. At some point between his delivery and her waking up from her nap, her hot dogs had been stolen from her.

To complicate matters her fur now had bits and sorts all throughout it and she would have to make sure she got them all out or the human would know she'd snuck out. They would then start a mission to find every single one of her escape routes to try and prevent further nocturnal freedoms. It wasn't as if the humans could prevent her from leaving when she wanted to leave but they could certainly make it more of a pain that it needed to be.

Captain Fluffnstuff had to be back inside by dawn when the male human would get up to leave the house. He got to use the front door, of course, because he had hands and only beings with hands got to use the door. That caused her to wonder if the raccoons would be allowed to use the door if they could reach the doorknob. She would save that as a suggestion for the next time the human irritated her. She was fairly certain the answer was no, raccoons were not allowed to use doors. She was very certain that the human would get very excited if there were raccoons in the house. It's not like raccoons knew to clean their paws before going inside after all.

Halfway through the night and she'd still not had dinner, had a thief to catch and fur to groom.  She was short on clues and even shorter on inspiration. Obviously, it was time for a nap.

Monday, October 1, 2018

[Commission] [Muppets] [Rabbits] Buns in spaaaaaace...!

When last we saw our intrepid adventures of the Swinetrek they were following a distress signal of the planet Bluesauce IV that they'd been sent to investigate. Upon landing on the planet in their shuttle, they found the occupants of the ship that naught but bones and clothes and the ship entwined in plant life.

When discovering the crew they were there to rescue  has passed away of old age, Captain Hogthrob had laughed and declared "Sometimes bureaucracy is slow!"

But the greenery had the last laugh when they'd then found that their own ship had been encased with vines and bushes and they couldn't take off either!

"We could have watched the grass grow!" complained Doctor Strangepork

Starring the ever handsome and charming Captain Hogthrob! The wacky scientist who is a swine version of Les Nesmond! And the beautiful, talented and smarter than half the universe combined, First Mate Miss Piggy!

And now, our adventure continues!

* * *

"That's too much for even Miss Piggy to eat through!" Captain Hogthrob declared with a big, goofy, grin. He made sure the sun caught the golden highlights of his hair. The sun was a little redder than Earth's, but he'd just make do. The captain gestured at the bushes and vines that seemed to have grown from nothing in the span of minutes. Little blueberries and raspberries were happily growing throughout.

"I'm sure she'd give it a good try though!" agreed Dr. Strangepork. The little scientist looked like he'd come the wrong way out of a clothes dryer.

"Hold up!" Miss Piggy said, fists on hips. "I don't care what the script says, the fat jokes weren't funny in the late 70s and they're even less funny now!"

"Aren't you being a little .. Oversensitive?" The Captain asked with a light nudge to Piggy's ribs.

"NO! And the sexism has got to go, too!" She whirled on Dr. Strangepork. "And YOU! I outrank you, try showing some respect once in a while or I'll toss you out the torpedo tubes!"

"Er yes, Mis.. Ma'am." Dr. Strangepork stammered. He didn't dare point out the torpedo tubes were as clogged and covered in vegetation as the rest of the ship.

"Read some sensitivity training once in a while *Captain*. Women are people, not props!" Miss Piggy glared at him, "Or do I have to shove you in the tubes with Dr. Strangepork here?"

"Nono, that's okay." He made a weak patting motion to her shoulder while Miss Piggy's eyes narrowed with a warning.  The Captain coughed, "Er, should we get back on track?"

"Oh. Right." Miss Piggy cleared her throat and tossed a lock of hair over her shoulder. "Captain, this obviously calls for an intervention from experts! We should use the portable wormhole generator to get some staff in here!"

"Is that a good idea Miss .. Uh, First Mate Piggy?" Dr. Strangepork asked. "The last time we used it, we ended up summoning a zombie t-rex that promptly tried to eat half of New Brooklyn!"

"Well, this time summon something far less carnivorous and far more weed killery!" Miss Piggy snapped at him.

Dr. Strangepork looked to his captain pleadingly.

"I think Miss First Mate is on the right track here!" The Captain said.  "Don't summon any dinosaurs! Especially not on fire zombie ones!"

"It wasn't on fire until you lit it on fire!" The doctor protested.

"That is hardly a matter for a Captain's concern." sniffed Captain Hogthrob. "Flammable objects are entirely within the purview of science!" The fact was, Captain Hogthrob just liked opportunities to use fancy words like 'purview.'

"Oh, brother." Muttered Miss Piggy and helped Dr. Strangepork drag the door with 'wormhole generator' written across the top of it. Otherwise, it looked pretty much like a standard interior house closet door.  Dr. Strangepork pulled out a marker and wrote 'No zombies or dinosaurs allowed through' before he propped it up against the bushes. He then held up a small box and pointed it at the door. The box went bing. Dr. Strangepork leaned forward and opened the door.

Two domestic rabbits came ass over tea kettle out of the door and into the overly long grass. One was a healthy sized white rabbit with pink eyes and the other a pirate bunny of white fur, brown splotch, and brown ears.  The latter was wearing a very nice baby blue scarf.

The all-white bunny scrambled to her feet and let out a healthy thump. "Who kidnapped our rabbit tunnel? We were supposed to be going to a hockey game!"

The brown splotched bunny stood up on his hind legs and periscoped around. "This doesn't look much like a hockey arena."

Miss Lola sighed, "So who are you and why'd you kidnap us so rudely?" She looked from pig to pig.

"Well, you beautiful rabbit you," Captain Hogthrob started as First Mate Piggy rolled her eyes and muttered an 'oh brother' again. The Captain chose to ignore her, "I am Captain Hogthrob and this is my beloved crew of the good ship Swinetrek. You see we're having a bit of a problem with our ship." He pointed to the mess of vegetation. "And we would humbly request your assistance with the matter!"

Miss Lola and Speedy shared a glance before Miss Lola snorted. "And what do you want us to do about it? Call a landscaper?"

"You ARE the landscapers!" Dr. Strangepork butted in.

Captain Hogthrob glared at Dr. Strangepork, he'd interrupted the important buttering up!

Another look between the rabbits. "You have got to be kidding me. I'm a supervisor, not a worker." Miss Lola yawned and got comfy. "I suppose I could tell you how to free your ship though."

"It's the least we could do." Speedy agreed, sitting back on his haunches.

The pigs looked at the rabbits expectantly. The rabbits looked back.

"Oh for the love of --" Miss Piggy didn't quite shout and threw her hands up in the air. "How do we free our ship?"

"You pick all the berries." Miss Lola said like it was the most obvious thing ever.

"And put them through the door,"  Speedy added with a sage nod.

"That's a lot of berries." Miss Piggy muttered looking over at the bushes.

"Well, we can help you with a few, but we can't reach most of them, right Speedy?" Miss Lola said primly.

"Right!" Speedy agreed. "So you better get hopping!"

"Oi, watch the puns, rabbit!" Miss Piggy warned and started towards the ship while the Dr. Strangepork and Captain Hogthrob stood and watched. She turned and marched back. "You two coming?"

"I wouldn't want to injure my hands!" Dr. Strangepork added, waving his gloved fingers.

"Besides, it's woman's work!" the captain protested.

"WOMAN'S WORK?" Both rabbits backed up away from Miss Piggy quickly to get out of fall out range.  Miss Piggy lashed out, grabbing the captain's ear in one hand and the science officer's ear in the other. "Listen you two, I'll show you woman's work. It's putting up with male crap no longer and you're going to help me pick berries and get the ship back or I'll report you both to the admiral for dereliction of duty! And you both know I know Admiral Frog PERSONALLY. So get marching!"

With a mix of 'ows' and protests, the two males followed in Miss Piggy's wake. The first officer finally let go of their ears when they got to the bushes. "GET PICKING."

Miss Lola flopped down into the long grass, Speedy flopping beside her. It was a nice sunny day and this was as good a place for a nap as any. Miss Lola shuffled over to use Speedy's back as a pillow. "Do you think we should help?" Speedy asked.

"Nah. They kidnapped us. They can do the work." She let out a yawn.

The sun had moved significantly by the time they woke up to an irritated First Mate Piggy standing over them. "Now what?" she asked tersely.

Miss Lola and Speedy got up with a stretch and meandered over the portal door. Miss Lola stuck her head in and looked around, "Yup, that looks about right.  Speedy?"

Speedy hopped over. "Perfect!" He then dashed into the portal.

"Good luck!" Miss Lola said and followed him, yanking the door closed behind her.

The three crew members of the Swinetrek stood and stared at the door.

* * *

Speedy and Miss Lola looked at the very large pile of berries. "Even if I take half I think that's a lot to eat," Speedy said, eyeing from one direction and then the other.

"We could throw a berry party, I guess." Miss Lola said doubtfully.

"Or share with the humans," Speedy suggested.

Miss Lola sighed. "I guess we can give some to the Viking and shove the rest in the freezer."

* * *

"When will they come back, do you think?" Asked Captain Hogthrob.

"I need a transfer." Muttered First Mate Piggy. "To a nice quiet warship."

[Commission] [WoW Fanfiction] [NSFW] [NC-17] Maurata and Rhasody, Meetings.

Rhasody had been on mainland Pandaria for what seemed like years even if it had been only a few months. The residents seemed cold to her, always stiff and proper and she was giving serious thought into packing up her kit and just going home. They professed to a love of ale and good food but she never saw any evidence of them throwing a good party. When she'd queried a local in a bar he’d said she should sign up to protect the wanderer's festival from tigers, that she’d see lots of excitement and parties there.

Wandering the woods north of the beach she'd been warned of an increase of tiger sightings, but so far she'd seen just about nothing. Oh there were turtles making their slow and peaceful way towards the beach, she could hear the sounds of some sort of set-up at the beach, but mostly it was the usual jungle sounds and a complete lack of tigers.

She sat down on a log and unwrapped a sticky bun. It was a nice day as things went, a complete lack of drizzle was something to do be appreciated. The sun was making shafts through the trees, the birds and insects were singing, and there was a scent she couldn't quite identify but was comforting. She was just about to take a bite of the bun when the jungle quietened and she could hear the conversation on the beach as a buzz instead of an obstructed noise. She very carefully tucked her lunch back into her belt pouch and picked up her bow. She slowly got to her feet, ears cocked and listened carefully.

It was more a shadow than a tiger, but it was definitely heading towards the easy turtle meals on the beach. While Rhasody was generally more than happy to let nature take its course, there were a lot of unarmed and unprepared people also on the beach.  She drew her bow and waited for her shot. She had no interest in dealing with an injured and unhappy tiger, not to mention it was rather cruel to injure an animal when it was easily within your skill to give it a clean death.

Her forearm was starting to let her know how unhappy it was with her when she found her shot and was about to release the arrow when an Elf seemingly appeared out of nowhere to yell "STOP!" To say the purple, pointed eared, elf with strange face paint spoiled her shot would be an understatement.

The tiger growled, the arrow went wide and ricocheted off something in the underbrush and Rhasody swore.

"What the ..!! What do you think you're doing?" Rhasody said, shoving the elf aside and drawing another shot.

"I'm from DEHTA, Druids for the Ethical and Humane Treatment of Animals, and I refuse to let you harm that sweet, innocent, kitty!" The elf threw herself in front of Rhasody once more, arms wide.

"You're an idiot!" Rhasody said, then her eyes widened and she tried to grab the elf as the hunter dived to the side. Unfortunately, the elf dodged the grab and was right in the way when the tiger landed from its pounce. Rhasody winced, "Oh that's gonna make a mess."  She supposed she should feel bad, but really, she just felt it was all rather just.  She looked over and saw what her arrow had ricocheted off.  "Oh, well, hell." She muttered and rolled to her feet.

She picked up the now bleeding turtle carefully and put him in the nook of her arm. She also looked down at the elf that the tiger was about to snack on. She sighed and put the turtle down as the tiger circled it's prey, trying to decide where to start eating. She grabbed an arrow as she grabbed her bow and as the tiger turned to see what the noise was, she released the arrow through the tiger's eye and into its brain. The tiger died quickly if not quietly.

Rhasody picked up the turtle once more and poked the elf with her foot. The elf groaned and Rhasody had a brief argument with her conscience before she picked up the idiot elf and slung her over her shoulder. She probably caused more injury, but there was only so much caring she had for beings that tried to take themselves out of the gene pool.

Maurata typically wandered Pandaria and helped with healing as was necessary. She was sure she would one day settle down and find a village to live in, but for now, her wandering feet took her all over.  Today it took her to the Wander's Festival on Turtle Beach, where she expected to eat yummy foods and watch some spectacular fireworks. She certainly wasn't expecting to find a hunter come out of the jungle carrying a turtle and an elf.

"Healer!" The hunter called.

Maurata jumped to her feet and dashed over, "That'd be me!"

The hunter, who was looking rather kafrumpled handed her the turtle. "Can you heal him?" she didn't quite dump the elf on the ground.

"Er." Maurata looked between turtle, hunter, and elf. The turtle wasn't that badly injured while the elf looked like she could meet the ancestors at any moment. The hunter's rough treatment probably hadn't helped. "Can't you heal the turtle?" she said trying to hand it back.

"I have no bond or connection with it." The hunter grumbled, "And the idiot Elf got pounced on by a tiger she was trying to prevent me from shooting to protect people."

"That doesn't sound like a very good way to preserve one's life." Maurata agreed, calling upon the spirits of water to bless the turtle. They then moved onto the elf with very little direction, evaluating injuries and straightening broken bones, repairing internal injuries and closing claw wounds.

"Well, I'd heard elves were a bit fruit-nutty, but this one seems to take the cake," Rhasody observed the healer in action with admiration.

"Mm, now I want fruitcake," Maurata said, crouching down beside the elf.

Maurata was knocked on her tail when the elf shot up to start yelling about tiger murderers and the sanctity of the wilds and how if a tiger chooses its prey it should be allowed to eat said prey, even if that prey wasn't on it's naturally occurring diet. Rhasody was starting to reach for her bow. Really, how suicidal was this elf? Obviously, this was a matter for a master of zen and not a simple healer! With a request of the land spirits, there was a frog hopping around croaking angrily where the elf used to be.

Rhasody clapped her hands in delight. "Oh, that was wonderful!"

Maurata bowed, "Thank you, thank you."

"I'm Rhasody, by the way," Rhasody said happily. "Can I buy you lunch as a thank you? Mine seems to have gotten squished at some point in my adventures."

Maurata picked up the frog which was still croaking angrily and shoved her in a sack she'd been collecting plants in.  "Why I'd love lunch!" Maurata said looking up at the slightly taller Pandaren through her eyelashes. "It's one of my favourite three meals of the day!" She picked up the rather confused turtle, after all, he'd had a busy day.

Rhasody snorted amusement and held out her arm for Maurata to hook her's through. "Any preference in vendors? I see only a few are set up though."

"Ohh, well, I saw Chin sent some of his famous peanut chicken skewers and how can a girl resist a good finger licking?" She batted her eyelashes at Rhasody as she said it and gave her best-winning smile.

Rhasody almost tripped over a non-existent rock. Maurata, quite proud of herself, smirked and stopped to put the turtle down by the water.

It didn't take long for the shaman to navigate Rhasody to a semi-sheltered spot on the beach where they could feed each other snacks and watch the people who came to watch the turtles go out to sea. Somehow Rhasody ended up with Maurata's head in her lap as the fireworks started to burst across the sky. The hunter was feeling a bit hunted and was rather enjoying the sensation. It seemed the shaman knew what she wanted and just went about getting it without pause.

It seemed all too soon that the fireworks had ended and people started packing up for the night. "Were you heading home?" Maurata asked, sitting up to sit close to Rhasody.

"Home is the wandering isle. I was thinking about heading back to the village though." Rhasody said, leaning in.

"I have a tent and camp. You could stay here and save yourself a very long walk." Maurata offered, moving a breath away from the hunter.

"That sounds very comfortable." Rhasody agreed, trying not to wince at the clumsiness of what she was saying and instead decided it was probably just easier to change the subject and press her lips to Maurata's.

The kiss was just starting to get interesting as Rhasody wrapped her arms around Maurata's torso and Maurata wrapped her arms around Rhasody's neck when Maurata suddenly broke off the kiss to look down. "What the?" she wrapped herself to pick up a turtle. "You again? Tsk. You should be in the sea with your friends."

The turtle just wiggled its flippers at her.

She sighed and rolled to her feet, "Looks like we're going down to the beach on our way to my tent."

"That's alright, I'll just enjoy the view. It seems particularly picturesque tonight!" Rhasody said, reaching over to stroke Maurata's tail. The tail twitched against her hand as Maurata twisted around to give Rhasody another long kiss. Maurata remembered the frog and tossed it into a pond on her way passed. She'd turn back into an elf eventually.

Rhasody had expected a pup tent with a couple of blankets, what she found herself in was a large dome filled with pillows and plush blankets with herbs and plants tucked in pockets around the edges. A cooking pot with utensils was quickly relocated to the side of the tent before Maurata turned back to the hunter, "Now, where we before turtle interuptus?"

Rhasody was happy to show her with a soft kiss that grew more enthusiastic as her hands slipped under Maurata's tunic to rub her back. Maurata stepped against Rhasody, rubbing against her. It didn't take long before Maurata broke away to pull Rhasody's chain haubergeon off over Rhasody's head. Rhasody's calloused fingers made quick work of Maurata's shirt as she nuzzled the shaman's neck and then nibbled on her ear.

It was a joint effort to go from standing to lying on the blankets, nestled amongst the pillows. Rhasody kissed her way down Maurata, stopping when she got to the buttons of Maurata's pants. Tugging the buttons open she helped Maurata wiggle out of them as she continued kissing and nibbling her way down. Planting kisses on either side of Maurata's thighs she wiggled between her legs to nibble and suck, her tongue flicking against Maurata's clit. The shaman squirmed under her and just as Rhasody was starting to add a finger to the situation, she was pushed off.

"Sorry!" Rhasody said, rolling over and away.

"No, not that!" Maurata said, tugging Rhasody back by her hand, "I was just thinking of better ways to do that." she started to tug off the scaled leather pants of the hunter and Rhasody stood and divested herself of them, adding them to the growing pile of clothing by the entrance of the tent.

Maurata tugged Rhasody back down and pushed her onto her back before turning around to whap Rhasody with her tail. She turned so her midsection was in Rhasody's face before putting her own face between Rhasody's thighs. "Better?" she asked as she put her own tongue to work on Rhasody's slit.

"Mmf!" was all Rhasody managed as she buried tongue into Maurata's folds, fingers finding their way inside her to stroke softly and then with more enthusiasm as Maurata emulated her.

It seemed only minutes before Maurata bucked against her in climax, the hunter soon following. They lay panting for several minutes before Rhasody squirmed around so she could snuggle Maurata against her. "Water and round two?"

It wasn't until morning they'd found the turtle had come back.