Wednesday, July 15, 2015

[WoW Fanfiction] Kittens are friends, not food. (With apologies to Kavo)

(Guest Appearance by Kavo

So there I was, walkin' through Orgrimmar, not a care in the world, when my stupid imp decided that a kitten would make a nice snack. Now, most people's imps liked snakes, snails and rats. Not mine, oh no. He had to snack on cute furry things, like bunnies and kittens and puppies. He said it was more evil, taste was irrelevant. Now, I don't let him eat those things, especially the bunnies 'cause they tend to be packin' heat. Gartbug wasn't even particularly bright for an imp. He didn't just decide to grab a kitten, he had to grab a high druid's kitten. Hasn't he seen the horns on a Tauren? They stomp lil'gals like me for breakfast! Well, maybe not breakfast 'cause they're grassatarians, but they still stomp!

So I go to grab the imp, and stupidhead goes and jumps out of the way cackling. Oh, I get it, he's not actually hungry, he's just tryin' my patience. You'd think the burp-stench would know by know that I don't have any patience! Especially not for lower-than-slug-slime imps!
Every time he goes and tries something like this, it makes me look bad to the other warlocks. Oh, just light him on fire, they'd say. Just shove him in a box and gas 'em, they'd say. It doesn't work - none of it does. I've tried to return him to sender half a dozen times, but he just keeps comin' back like some sort of damned cat.

"Stop that imp!" I yelled. Pride be damned, if he ate that kitten my ass was grass anyway.

A tall drink of water, a hunk in robes, a six pack hiding, yummy, yummy, gobman, pointed at Gartbug and be damned if ice didn't form under the little git's feet, causing him to splay every which way. The kitten went flyin', the ice mage snatched the kitten out of the air, twitched the pointing finger and suddenly Gartbug, the felburned little shmuck, was encased in ice! Mr Delicious held out the kitten, "Your kitten, ma'am?"

"Er, well, not my kitten." I offered, grabbin' the offending fleabitten furball by the scruff, "But Druid Whiteleaf's. But not feeling like being turned into mush.." I couldn't help but shrug and look up at the dish bein' served hot. I was about ready to toss the kitten over one shoulder and climb him like a monkey up a tree. What can I say? A girl's got needs!

A truly gobbie grin was my reward, "I somehow think, misbehaving imps aside, you can take care of yourself."

"Sometimes." I couldn't help being honest, I mean, it was the worst policy of all polices, but sometimes you just had no choice. I mean, fibbin' about ones prowess might, hypothetically, lead you to findin' yerself with twenty-something sweat-stink crazy strangers staring down the glutten of a huge ass black dragon with teeth bigger than the egos of death knights. An' then you'd find yerself wondering if the dragon would eat the first person to run screamin' back the way you'd all came. "The succubus is even more trouble." I finally said. Fessed up, even.

The grin widened, " I do recall something about a sucking succubus incident a couple of years ago..?"

Was there anyone in any dimension who HADN'T heard about that? How was a girl supposed to live down that? There was a reason I didn't summon Bitzy very often! I decided a quick and subtle subject change was in order, "I'm Lare." I said, sticking out the hand that wasn't holdin' a squirming baby feline.

"Kavo," He said, still grinning before leaning forward, takin' my hand kissin' it! I almost swooned. I think it's called swoonin' anyway when every bit of you tingles, the city gets dark, and you think about bein' face first in the mud. Or it could just be Deathwing Strikes Back; Revenge of the Idiot Dragon. I mean, Thrall SAID the dragon was dead, but that idiot orc says all sorts o'things, most of them nonsense.

Fortunately, sanity returned before I did swoon. "Whatcha want?" I asked, warily. I mean, tasty he may be, but hand kissin'? Seriously?

"At this time? Nothing." His eyes twinkled with delight, "But I think we can agree, you owe me one." He dropped my hand with a flourished bow, winking before sauntering off.

Well, shit.

He turned around, walking backwards, "Your imp should thaw out in an hour or two."

Just what I'd needed, to find a cart in downtown Orgrimmar in rush hour. I'd have to hoof it over to hippie-moo central, convince a druid I'd saved her precious kitten and get her to send one of her more muscles than brains warriors over here to cart the the mucus infested little toadcrawler home. With my luck, he'd thaw in time to light something important on fire.

I smiled and waved my fingers back at the departing ice mage. Yeah, I even waved with all my fingers, why get a debt called early? Stinkin' goblins.


  1. lol. You had me at the subject line - but you knew that didn't you?