Mr Mick thumped the ground to get the dog's attention. The dog in question, a large, brown, pitbull cross, had his eyes srunched closed and his paws over his nose. "Foo' dog!" Mickey grumbled.
"You're not here!" the Big dog said.
Mick looked about and sighed. If he was going to stand in the mud and muck and put up with a serious lack of clover and dandelions the dog could at least have enough courtesy not to be crazy. "I am too here!" He grunted back.
"NO! I'm not allowed to chase bunnies. And you all just try to make me chase you!"
Mr Mick was a bit dumbfounded by that. Would would any rabbit want some big slobbering creature to chase them? Unless.. "Oh, do you mean those fluffheaded cottontails?" He asked.
"Bunnies are bunnies." Big whimpered, starting to open one eye and then thought better of it. "Master says I am most certainly NOT allowed to chase bunnies."
"I should think not!" Mick agreed. "But those are cottontails. They're just trouble on four legs. Do they wiggle their butts at you and giggle, trying to get you in trouble?"
"YES!" Big said.
"Am I doing either of those things?" Mr Mick asked, quite proud of his logic.
The dog opened one eye very cautiously, "No?"
"Right, I'm not." Mick agreed. Boy, dogs sure were dumb. Though, he supposed, it was probably a good thing they were unnaturally obediant or he'd be having this conversation from the top of a tree or something when the dog had chased him. "I am a *domestic* rabbit. I have domesticated humans to take care of my every whim and need. I am vastly superior to those silly flufftails."
Big opened the other eye and moved his front paws to be under his jowls. "My human is not very trained. He doesn't listen to me a lot." Big offered.
Mick shook his head. "Yes, I hate to say it, but you need to be cute to train humans effectively. While you are handsome," Well, not really, but buttering up the animal you wanted a favour from couldn't hurt, "You're not cute like a bunny."
"This is true." Big agreed. His ears were too small and his tail too long. Master complained about being hit with the tail. Perhaps if he had a fluffy tail he'd .. no, he'd heard humans complain about being hit by the fluffy tails of golden retrievers. Humans were sure hard to please sometimes!
"Anyway. I have a business propisition for you." Mr Mick continued. He'd wasted a great deal of clock getting this far in the conversation, he felt it rather unnecessary to waste more.
"You do?" Big asked warily. He might not chase this rabbit, but it didn't mean he was automatically going to trust it either. Everyone knew bunny rabbits were evil.. and its ears were hanging the wrong way, so it was obviously more evil than the average rabbit.
"Yes. I read your book. Quite enjoyed it. Chapter four was particularly tasty." Mr Mick said.
Big's brow furrowed at that. He wasn't quite sure how one went from reading to taste. Of course, he'd had to have the small human read it to him, he couldn't read. He didn't quite believe the rabbit could either. Everyone knew rabbits told tales.
"Anyway. So, my friend Speedy had a run in with a cat.."
"CAT!" Big exclaimed with a growl. Cats were worse than rabbits!
"Yes. Exactly how I feel about the feline persuasion." Mr Mick said with a nod, "So, I want to hire you to teach that foo cat a lesson."
Big blinked slowly. This felt like some sort of clever trap. "I'm not allowed to chase cats either." He said with a sigh.
"Seriously?!" Mick protested. "Are you going to let some dang human run your life?!"
"Yes." Big answered simply. "Well, mostly." He added with more honesty. "He gives good belly scritches and he needs me."
Mick sighed the sigh of the hard done by. "Well, I need you.." He tried.
"You're a rabbit. You have your own human." Big said with flawless canine logic.
Mick closed his eyes to mentally count carrots to get his blood pressure back down. "Now, look.."
"Nuh uh." Big said, yawning, "I'm not falling for bunny tricks. I'm not going to leave my chain without good reason."
Mick wasn't one to give up easily. "What's a good reason?" he asked.
"The humans are late and not going for their walkies like they should. The cows have wandered. The wandering cat is in my territory." The dog looked thoughtful, "And a bunch of other stuff, but I'm pretty sure 'Go walkies with a rabbit to chase a cat' isn't on the good reason list." He licked his chops, "Besides, why can't you chase it yourself?"
"Pffft, dang does already did THAT. I wanted to make a really BIG impression." Mick grumbled.
Big gave a doggie grin of approval at the pun on his name. "Well, you could bite its tail off." was Big's suggestion.
"Sounds terribly messy." Mick replied with a frown.
"Oh, well, cats ARE messy. Always leaving bits of things all over, hacking up goo and guts, digging in dirt, leaving food all over the place.. If you go cat hunting, you have to expect some mess!"
Mr Mick was starting to think this was all much more work that it was worth. "Well, if you were injured, what would make you feel better?"
"When I was injured, Master kept me company and talked to me and scritched me." Sort of.
"Huh." Mr Mick thought about it. "I could go gnaw me way through a game of dominos with Speedy."
Big nodded in approval, "Just let him cheat more."
"Cheat?" Mr Mick queried
"Rabbits cheat." Big grumbled. "All rabbits! Even those with pet humans!"
Mr Mick thought about being offended, but truth be told, the dog was probably right. Hey, when you were supposed to be at the bottom of the food chain, you scrambled to the top any way you could. "Y'know, your not so bad for a dog." Mr Mick offered.
"And you're not so evil for a rabbit." Big agreed.
Mr Mick yawned, and hopped back towards the shed he'd borrowed for the bunny transporter. "Well, I've generally it found a good idea to be polite to beings with sharp pointy teeth in a head the same size as you are."
Big sat up, looking very impressed. "Maybe domesticating rabbits ARE smarter than the ones in the fields." He said as watched the lop hop off. He then shook his head and gave the house a dirty look, his dinner was due soon and it didn't sound like his master was getting ready. Would he have to bark a reminder? He settled down in the dirt again, already plotting collar removal tactics. "I don't care how smart some rabbits are, they are tasty and going hunting for one instead of hunting that one would just be silly." Big decided finally.
On the other side of the planet, Mr Mick found a sleepy Speedy and curled up to keep the injured bun warm.. after nibbling on some soggy carrot bits, of course.