Thursday, April 12, 2012

Hockey and the Things Lorna is NOT Allowed to Do.

In honour of the start of the NHL playoffs, I repost the list Skippy posted with a thumbs up and guffaw.

Lorna’s Hockey List.

November 1st, 2009 by skippy
Things I have learnt attending hockey games; from professional to my friends’ kids.

1) I am not allowed to call the very big men with blunt weapons “A BUNCH OF SISSIES!” and hide behind my brother. Or my friend’s husband. Or my tiny blonde friend.

2) I am not allowed to call the very big men with blunt weapons any names.

3) I am not allowed to tap on the Plexiglas behind the guest team and ask them when hockey players started swallowing instead of spitting.

4) I am DEFINITELY not allowed to ask the same players which their boyfriends prefer, since they seem to excel at sucking.

5) I am not allowed to talk to the hockey players.

6) I am not allowed to communicate with any being on the ice, not limited to players, referees, linesmen, guy destroying our national anthem or the hat boys.

7) I am not allowed to talk to the coaches either.

8) Nor am I allowed to talk to anyone on the bench.

9) In fact, why don’t I just sit there and be quiet and stop trying to get my favourite older brother killed? (And he’s the one who went to a Red Wings game wearing a Canucks jersey IN DETROIT!)

10) I am not allowed to try and give married hockey players my phone number. (In my defense, it’s not like I could see the rings they’re not wearing under their gloves.)

11) I am to remember I’m not allowed to talk to the hockey players and for the love of God, please stop trying to pick up big, hairy, sweaty men.

12) No, I’m not allowed to pick up non-sweaty men either. Or non-hairy. Or small. Well, okay, maybe if they have two seat season tickets and I don’t want to go to all the games with them.

13) I am really, really, REALLY not allowed to toss my friend’s beer at the ref. It’s a waste of good beer since the safest place to be is where I’m aiming. (I didn’t ACTUALLY do this..)

14) I am not allowed to yell “THE PANTHERS PLAYED BETTER THAN THIS!” in a sold out crowd at a Canuck’s game.

15) I am not allowed to wear a Flames jersey to see the Canucks when the Flames aren’t even playing. (Hey, it’s not like I actually own one!)

16) After the fourth time I ask “Okay, so which one is Matt Cooke?” my brother is allowed to hit me later. (Apparently smacking a woman when surrounded by beer fueled hockey fans is a BAD IDEA.)

17) No, I can’t burp “Oh Canada.”

18) No, I can’t have beer. GM Place does not sell gluten free beer, stop asking at each damn cart and concession.

19) Real hockey fans don’t drink green tea. (So told to me by a concession guy!)

20) Yes, the 17 year old Juniors skate with the kids after the game, but they’re 17 and have more energy than the players in the NHL. No, I’m not allowed to ask for energy level demonstrations.

21) I’m not allowed to yell “MY MOTHER CAN SKATE BETTER THAN THAT, and she’s OLD AND IRISH!” at the centre forward. Or anyone else. Stop talking to the players.

22) I am not allowed to ask Bruiser why he’s the mascot for the Chilliwack Bruins instead of going to Langley with the (now) Langley Chiefs.

23) I am not allowed to invite Fin, the Canucks mascot, back home for some sushi. (He’s a whale.)

24) Y’know what? I’m not allowed to talk to any of the mascots either.

25) Okay, I am allowed to taunt, torment and harass the CFOX fox as much as I like.

26) I am not allowed to brandish my lighter ala rock ballad during the singing of the national anthems.

27) I am not allowed to talk to the security personnel. Even if I do know them from Sci-Fi conventions.

28) I am not allowed to pretend to be a lesbian to get better seats.. unless they have two spare.

29) I am not allowed to talk to random people on the SkyTrain. I am scaring the Vancouver’ites by being cheerful and friendly.

30) No, sharing pictures of my pet rabbit with the huge mohawked guy showing me pictures of his kids is not normal.

31) I am not allowed to make my brother wonder why our parents didn’t stop at one every fifteen seconds. No, not every sixteen seconds either.

32) Talking female plumbing problems with a woman I just met is not normal either. No, not even “Lorna normal”.

33) I am not allowed to make thirteen year old boys cry.

34) Not even if they were being ice hogs.

35) No I may not drive the zamboni, no, I’m not allowed to ask, and I’m certainly not allowed to try and chat up any and all Zamboni drivers.

36) I am not allowed to offer the ref a gift certificate to a eye exam chain.

37) FUBAR may be a perfectly good description of the game, but I’m also not allowed to explain to thirteen year old boys what it means/stands for.

38) Yes, the thirteen year old boys may know better profanity than me, but I’m not allowed to play vocabulary swap.

39) I am not allowed to use language learned from drunk members of Canada’s military. Or sober ones, for that matter. Or America’s military. Or… Y’know what? No military terminology.

40) Offering a cookie per goal to thirteen year olds may be a good bribe, but make sure the parents know why I am giving their kids cookies.

41) I am most certainly NOT allowed to give the opposing team ex-lax cookies. (Not that I REALLY wanted to. Honest!)

42) I am allowed to embarrass my friends’ kids – I am not allowed to ask people next to me their kid’s names so I can embarrass them too.

43) I am not allowed to tell an eight year old that I drink green tea because green is like grass and I’m allergic to pot. (Not like she understood what grass has in common with cooking implements anyway!)

44) I am allowed to entertain several ten year old boys with stories of the incoming zombie apocalypse between periods. Apparently anything is allowed if it keeps boys quiet and in one place for ten minutes?

45) I am to take my friend’s usage of the word “anything” to mean “anything SHE would do” NOT “anything *I* would do”

46) I am not allowed to start fights with hockey parents – even if they are being obnoxious, loud-mouthed assholes.

47) I am allowed to make snarky comments about said hockey parents loud enough to carry only if my friend’s husband is NOT between me and said parents.

48) I am still not allowed to ask to drive the zamboni.

49) Giggling over a player tripping over his own stick comes under the “Not allowed to make thirteen year olds cry rule.” Even if it was f’n funny and he did it twice in one game.

40) Buying my brother Starbucks or my friends Timmy’s may not forgive all, but it’s a good start. Add Tylenol.


  1. I'd very much like to hear the story behind #33 haha :P

    Also very good list, had me giggling the whole way through, though it does seem to jump from 49 back to 40 again :P

    1. Y'know -- I don't know how many people have read the list over at Skippy's .. but you're the first to notice. :)

      And I'd imagine the crying was catcalling related.. :)

  2. Hmm... I wonder if I can get a bunch of your hockey pictures. I might just have an idea for some T&B filler.

  3. Heeheehee, I want to go to a hockey game with you for sure--and the heck with the list! :D

    Mr. Mick wants to know what your tips are for making boys cry in the hopes there's anything he can put in practice against one Boy in particular.

    1. Hee Hee, Jade you could be added to the list of people who try and keep me out of trouble. :)

      Mr. Mick .. go into his room, find a tasty root attached to something that whirs, hums, produces heat and he stares at for hours.. and trim it for him. :)

    2. Keep you OUT of trouble?! Now where would the fun be in that? :D

  4. Heeheehee...hahaha....heeheehee...oh dear Lorna you are funny!just stick to being you Lorna and forget the list whats the point of being you if you can't be you.your bro should be used to it by now! we love you Lorna!

    1. Oh my brother is a very patient and very long suffering soul. :)

      And if you're ever near Vancouver, BC.. We'll go see a hockey game.. ;)

    2. So that's where you are we did wonder!

  5. So were you able to chat up the Zamboni driver enough to ever get a ride on it? There's nothing saying you can't ask for a ride...hmm, that may become #51 lol. Why can I picture you doing all that???