Thursday, April 26, 2012

[Bunny Fiction] Weasley's Quest for Beer.

Weasley sighed a very big bunny sigh. His humom wouldn't let him play the tuba. She kept using silly excuses like he didn't have thumbs, he didn't have big enough lungs, the loud noise if he did manage to play would hurt his ears, if it fell on him he'd be squished flat and a bunch of other words of human illogic. He felt it was quite unfair that humans had the thumbs so they got to make the rules. If HE could plant kale, he'd .. well, he'd probably still have humans about because he couldn't be bothered to do much in the way of gardening, but it was the principal of the matter here!

It was a football weekend so he needed beer. He also wanted some company, but his BFF (Bestest Fur Friend) Mickey was apparently grounded. Something to do with not eating his dinner due to football overload or something. His humom was being very silly. Almost as silly as Weasley's humom got whenever he tried to help trim the quilts. Was it his fault he couldn't be bothered to wait until his huMom got finished with them? Actually, she seemed to get even crankier when she had just declared "all done!" in her tired-happy voice. Humans, go fig.

Sneaking out his netbook, Weasley tapped out a message to Harrington. Weasley had kind of wanted a tablet PC, but they weren't very blind bunny friendly. The netbook he'd acquired with the help of the bunderground network had braille on the keys, tablets were just screens; he'd have to use the voice function and he was fairly sure his humom would get suspicious of THAT. Humans were always sticking their noses in at the most inconvienent times.  The IM pinged back that Harrington was taking a nap at the moment. Weasley sighed and typed back to Hannah asking if she'd release her mate for some beer tasting.

Hannah said while *normally* she'd be thrilled to kick him out for a couple days, after the trouble he'd gotten into during the superbowl their humom was keeping extra eyes on them. They couldn't sneak out for more than the duration of an extra long nap. Besides, it was his turn to cover for *her* so if Weasley felt like going to a flower show..

The angora sighed again. While he did like nibbling on the roses as much as the next bun, he really wanted to go find some beer. So, he thanks Hannah and said maybe next week. He added for her to give Harrington a nose bonk for him. She cheerfully agreed and signed off.

He complained to Mickey for a few messages until Mr Mick suggested he ask Speedy. He wasn't sure if the English version of beer would be as strange as the English version of football, but cultural exchange was a good thing? Besides, he could always insist Speedy come stateside. So, getting Speedy's information, Weasley fired off an email to the English bun.

With a stretch and a yawn, Weasley tucked his netbook back under his bed and hopped to where the sunbeam should be at this time. The warmth of the sun felt good on his joints and fur and he no longer even had to angle his face away from the window. A few nose wriggles on the way confirmed that his humom hadn't accidently forgotten the time and put out his dinner a few hours early. A good long stretch and he was occupying as much floor space as a bun could and was soon quietly snoring.

* * *

Upon waking he hopped into his room, following the walls since they tended not to move, unlike the two foots. He nommed on some hay thoughtfully before digging out his netbook once more. Speedy had emailed back (apparently it was dinner time there!) saying he didn't think he was old enough to drink beer yet. He also apologized most profusely, but he was pretty sure his Mum had been wondering where he kept disappearing to so he wanted to spend some extra time with her so she didn't feel neglected. Oh, and he was pretty sure he'd almost found the magic gate in the garden that all the books talked about.

Weasley wasn't sure what was with magic gates and gardens, but he sat up and licked his paws to groom his face thoughtfully. Well, when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.. A third, and he hoped it was his final, sigh and he contacted the furry ninja brothers. He wasn't sure they even liked beer but.. The reply was almost instant that they'd love to play guide and they were on their way.

Weasley perked up. The brothers were pretty fun, even if they were crazy and hyperactive. It could be worse.. they could be cats.  He triple checked his humom was busy with her latest UFO and made his way to the magic closet. The squeeking within revealed the gerbils had arrived before him. Well, they DID tend to do things at top speed. Weasley nudged open the door and hopped in.

"You sure your human won't miss you?" Squeeked Freddie while Fergie looked at his tail like it was some sort of new and startling creation.

"Naw. She'll just think I'm napping. What about your humom?" Weasley asked.

The brothers giggled, "She'll just think we're sleeping. She loses track of time all the time, rarely even knows what day it is.. so if we disappeared for three days she'd probably only notice because she was dumping more water outta the bottle when she cleans it."

"Humans are rather scatterbrained." Weasley agreed. "So where to?"

The brothers chirped and cheeped at each other before turning back to lagomorphic, "Well, the least we can do is introduce you to some *Canadian* beer.. Its much better than that American stuff."

Weasley huffed. "Macro brews are bad all over. Canadian macrobrew may be better than American, but its still pretty bad!"

Freddie nodded his little grey head, whiskers bouncing, "I don't disagree my rabbit brother!" He nudged Weasley into the centre of the closet and checked the door was closed before the two started their teleportation dance.

* * *

The smell of yeasty beer greeted Weasley's nose on arrival. The brothers chittered and promised to check for humans. They were quickly back and said it was safe for him to come out. "This is a restaurant our human likes. We just have to be careful, the two foots who run this place don't leave a crumb outta place .. and would probably do something mean to us if they saw us!"

Fergie nodded solemnly, "Ship tight, ship clean!" he chirped.

Freddie bounced off while the blonde Fergie bounded at a much slower pace, squeeking softly so Weasley could follow him in this unfamilar place. The gerbil seemed to prefer to run in the middle of the rooms and corridors, which made Weasley rather nervous. "Where are we going?" The rabbit finally asked.

"Tasting room!" Freddie called from up ahead. "They make their own ales and beers, and there's a TV back here."

"Not that there's much on at ten in the morning." Fergie grumped. "Just news and kids shows. Though, the CBC ones are o.k."

Weasley nodded like he had the slightest idea of what the rodent was talking about. He stopped when the guiding chirps became stationary. His ears swivelled and his nose twitched a mile a minute while he got used to the new room.

"Here," Fergie said, nudging at Weasley with his nose. He lead him over to what was probably a step stool or something, "You can eat off this. Can't have beer without nachos, right?"

"Er, right." Weasley agreed. He was wondering if he should really be drinking at ten AM. It was afternoon to him, but not here.. these time zone things were kinda confusing. Humans seemed to just create things for the sole purpose of confusing rabbits and other sensible creatures.

The brothers ran all over, causing strange thumps, clatters, clinks and splashes. Scittering noises, rattles, bumps and wallops followed in all sorts of strange order. Finally the two seemed happy and pushed a plate over and then some salad dressing bowls that had been repurposed.

"Okay, the nachos are here," Freddie said, Fergie obliging chirping to echo-locate for the rabbit, "And here's a golden pale ale, and here's a bitter, and here's a lager.." as he listed off the drinks and foods, Fergie scurried to the item in question and chirped so Weasley would know what was where. Fortunately he had a very good memory because the gerbils had fetched up quite the feast.

The three boys nibbled, nommed, slurped and drank their way through everything. Weasley was rather surprised by the amount two small desert mice could ingest! He wasn't quite sure where the were putting it all.. surely he couldn't have been drinking all that alcohol himself..

He offered to help clean up, but the giggling gerbils seemed perfectly happy to call in some guinea pig friends of theirs who would work for comic books. It was a bit more of a stagger than a hop back to the closet. And then they guided him, a gerbil pushing on each of his front legs, to an early evening sunset beam, where he fell, er, flopped. He wasn't quite sure he wasn't snoring before his head hit the carpet.

The gerbils looked at each other and then the comatose rabbit and shook their heads. Well, at least they'd all had fun.. and Cynthia-human sure did know how to make good home made nacho chips and ale! With giggles and burps they dashed back to the closet. As they ducked under the door they heard Weasley's human asking if he'd spent the whole day sleeping in sunbeams, and it must be nice to just sit around all the time and a bunch of other human misconceptions verbalized.

Freddie just shook his head. If humans only knew..


  1. Another cracking tale Lorna you have me cracked up with laughter again and I can't wait to read this to speedy!

  2. OMG, Lorna! You actually had me really Laughing Out Loud! Who knew gerbils were so crafty? And now I know why it smelled like beer in here....

    1. I think this is when Speedy's Mum says just be glad he doesn't want a scarf. ;)

  3. Hey Lorna you have to do a tale about the gang comming to the olympics with me...p.s I'm your no.1 fan of your stories and mum is no.2

    1. Aww.. thank you, Speedy. :) I suspect the Superbowl writing and art team will do something for the Olympics, so I'll probably wait to see what they do and weave a story through it :)

  4. Mr. Mick says it's about time the foo' gerbils proved themselves somewhat useful. He also hopes to be ungrounded by the time the Olympics come about, but I told him that all depends on him being a good bunneh and not giving his poor mom fits of worry all the time.

    1. Poor Mr. Mick. Shouldn't have filled up on all those chips, I guess. :)

      Besides, don't you worry Mr Handsome Lop, the gerbils say they can pick locks with their tails and can bust you out if necessary.

      I wonder if I still have a copy of my pirate bunnies, ninja gerbils/mice around here somewhere..

  5. "He offered to help clean up, but the giggling gerbils seemed perfectly happy to call in some guinea pig friends of theirs who would work for comic books." -- ROFL!!!! I think I know some HUMANS like this, too!

    This was awesome, Miss Lorna Appleby. Well DONE!

    : ) x