Saturday, December 22, 2012

[Bunny Pirate Stories] Captain Jack's Missing Balls.

Captain Ren was leaning on the gunwale looking up the beach thinking palm trees with tinsel looked very silly. Fortunately, this year the island's council had decided that after the candle disaster of last year they weren't putting 'coloured lights' in them. She rather missed the shade of the six palms by tailor's. Actually, she rather missed the tailor, come to think of it. But, all in all, a beautiful day in the French Carribean.

She looked down, Houdini was still hiding behind her legs. Mr Mick, new recruit, was trying to lure the shy white bun out to play tag with him and Speedy. Ren was fairly confident that Mr Mick was tired and wanted a nap and Speedy was still raring to go and so the lop was looking for a replacement. Watching Speedy 'sit and wait' was making her tired, did that rabbit ever just *stop* and rest? The latest recruits and part of her regular crew of the human sort were busy patching together material, grommetings and basically being good sailors as they replaced the torn and abused white sail with thick, pink, sheets to catch the wind. At least her ship would look pretty, she supposed. She couldn't help but wonder if people would run screaming from the colour of her sails or the colour of her flag.

"Permission to come aboard!" A cheerful, if slightly intoxicated voice called, "Permission never needed, ye handsome devil! I'm always be happy to see ye!" The same voice replied as he bounced up the last few feet of the gangplank and gave Captain Ren his most winsome smile.

"Jack.." Ren said, wondering if the island had any willow bark. She'd rather emptied the ship's stock the last time he'd been here. If he wasn't so *yummy* .. why, she'd just toss him right overboard, she would!

"*Captain* Jack!" He corrected happily.

"You only come here when Barbarosa's stolen your ship.. no ship, no Captain." She smiled sweetly. Houdini tilted an ear and peered around her leg up at the pirate. Mr Mick periscoped up and seemed to be taking notes.

"AH! But no, y'see, I went and bought meself a commission. Very kind of the King of Norway to be sellin' it so cheap. But, so I be being a Captain of RANK as well of ship!" He beamed happily. He ignored Ren's eye roll and looked about the Rumrabbit. "Ey, where's yer hat stealin' mate?"

Captain Ren shook her head, a little sadly, a lot proudly. "She and some of the other angel pirates decided to steal their own ship -- fortunately, not MINE this time -- and are up in Quebec trying to teach the fur traders how to catch catfish."

Even Captain Jack, captain of the non-sequitor, master of mayhem and nonsense had to blink a bit at that. Even he knew there were no catfish in Quebec. "Bloody rabbits." He finally muttered.

Ren couldn't help but agree with him. It had to be mighty chilly up in the northern colonies, no way they'd get her up there! Even if Cindy left half a rabbit's worth of fur behind daily post morning snuggle, it still wasn't warm enough!

"Anyway, Captain Ren, oh beautiful .. er, most beautiful of stars in the sky.."

"It's day."

"..The orb in which the universe resolves.."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"..The calm wave in the storm of chaos.."

"Oh, so now I"m a becalmed ship."

"..The apple of the barrel who is the sweetest.."

"Because it's rotting and worm infested, generally."

"..The cool breeze on a hot day.."

"Oh, so I'm frigid?"

"Yes, but I loves ye anyway, darlin'" Captain Jack flashed her a gold capped tooth grin.

Ren rolled her eyes, not quite sure how she walked into that one. "What do you want Jack?" She finally asked.

"Ah, well, y'see, Barbarossa stole me balls."

A crew full of women turned to stare at Captain Jack. Even the rabbits looked rather jaw dropped.

"Your .. balls?" Captain Ren repeated, dubiously.

Speedy whisker-whispered to Mr Mick "See! Even humans get dragged to the vet!"

"Aye! Me brass balls!"

Janice snorted, "Mate, I've kicked your missin' knackers, and I be tellin' ye, they were never made of brass."

Jack spun in spot to stare at her and the yards and yards of pink would-be-sail. "Aye.. What.. Uh." He decided some things were beyond his universe and spun back to Ren. "Nono, me MONKEY's brass balls!"

"I've met that monkey, it tried to bite me!" Pearl scowled at him. "Damn zombie monkey."

Barb smiled to herself as she stitched, "Always treated me just fine."

"Nono, not Monkey-Jack!" He sighed the sigh of the hard pressed and misunderstood. "Look, Governor of Saint-Domingue's been busy sellin' stuff to raise money fer troops to deal with their latest slave revolt. One of them thingys was a brass monkey of treasure findin'. Not that he knew what it was o'course, and I wasn't about to be tellin' him.."

"So you stole it." Ren broke in.

"Aye, of course! Wouldn't be much of a pirate if I just went around payin' for things, would I?" He gave the Captain a dubious look before crouching down to look at the large white bunny behind her. Houdini shrunk back so only his ears and whiskers were visible on either side of her leg. "Ey there, matey. You the new cabin boy, then?"

Whiskers twitched and an ear cupped towards Jack's voice.

"Ye aren't about stealin' hats, are ye?" The pirate continued.

Houdini peeked around Ren's leg and shook his head.

"Well, there's a good lad then." Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out a small white cube and blew fluff, fuzz and bits off it. "Sorry mate, no carrots, but ruin yer teeth on this, savvy?" He offered the bit abused sugar cube to Houdini who took it politely, if dubiously, before dropping it on the deck to lick at it.

"Where did you get a sugar cube?" Ren asked, boggled.

"Oh, well, the Governor had a daughter, didn't he?" Jack gave her another beaming grin as he stood up, hand to chest to proclaim his innocence. "Not that I, Captain Jack, swarthiest of swarthy, most noble of noble, must uh.. something of something.. would take advantage of a fair maid o'course." He paused dramatically, "Good thing she hadn't been a maid since she turned fourteen I be supposing."

Ren's eye twitched.

"Right then!" He clapped his head, startling half a dozen rabbits and getting glared at all around. "Whoops, sorry 'bout that mateys." He said to the rabbits. You'd apologize to any being that could gnaw wood and line as fast as they could, too! Besided, he never liked to find rabbit poop in his boots. "So, what do ye say we set sail and chase down that blackguard Barbarossa? Ye'matey Barb can go for dinner, I steal back me balls and we go find treasure and infamy!"

Ren licked her lips and thought of how to phrase the answer.

"I know y've always wanted to play with me balls.." He said, leaning in, trying for charming. Captain Ren couldn't identify which snickers and snorts came from which of her crew.  Even the ever polite Speedy ducked his head to hide a bunny smirk.

"Maybe after you've learnt how to bathe." Ren replied, primly. "There are a few problems with your plan."

"Aye?" Jack asked.

She stepped forward, Houdini hopping after her, putting her arm around Jack's shoulders to turn him to face the empty rigging. "See something missing?"

"They're on yer deck, mate." Captain Jack replied, giving her a look.

"And they're not done yet!"

"Oh. Well, hop to it, then."

"You think you're clever, don't you?" Ren muttered. She turned Jack around and guided him to look down in the hold. "See anything else missing?"

"No rum!" He replied in aghast at the mostly empty hold.

"Right. Its almost as if our Supercargo is above negotiating payment so we can have stock and supply to sail .. when we have sails once more!"

"But there's no rum!" He repeated.

"Yes, yes, the rum's gone. We drank it all. Pay attention, will you?" Captain Ren resisted smacking him.

"Right." Jack nodded, rubbing his finger and thumb along his chin before getting distracted to play with his moustache. "So what's the problem then? Besides the lack of rum, ye savvy?"

Ren couldn't help smacking the palm of her hand to her forehead. Some things were just automatic reactions.

"Look, the girls who aren't sewin' go get supplies on promise of credit.."

Ren smacked him upside the back of his head, sending hat and bandana askew. "I don't HAVE credit, after a certain someone claimed to be from my ship to outfit his own." She glared up at him. "THEN that certain someone didn't pay his bills!"

"That was right dastardly of that fellow!" Jack replied, looking properly aghast at that such could happen to the fair captain of the Rumrabbit.

Ren closed her eyes and took a deep, calming, breath.

She was more than slightly shocked when she felt Jack kiss her, rather roughly. "Tell ya what, love, I'll go find ye some cargo, you finish them sails and do yer nails or whatever it tis ye do, and we'll go find me balls, savvy?" Ren opened her mouth to formulate a reply, but was too late because the rogue had already bounced to the gang plank. "See ye in a few hours, then!" He disappeared down the wood.

Houdini gave his human an apologetic glance and scrambled after the pirate captain, obviously fascinated with the flamboyant, in slightly insane, man. Mr Mick and Speedy exchanged glances and went chasing after. Obviously the fun followed the trouble maker!


  1. Oh dear--put Mr. Mick and Captain Jack together and there's going to be an awful lot of hatches that battening down. ;)

  2. I know a lot of people, both male and female, that definitely need to get dragged to the vet.

  3. HOUDINI I BUNNY!! You come back here right now!!!!! More, more, more please? Pretty PLEASE! I am loving this and LOL and getting butterflies in me tummy all at the same time! Have I told you lately how much I love you Lorna?