Tuesday, October 22, 2013
[Hobbit/PotC Crossover] Another for Cap'n Ren. :)
The two males were sitting in a barely lit tavern. One had a foot sprawled across the table, tilting his chair back and enjoying the rather off colour singing of some of the other man's shipmates. The other man, was trying to ignore his two nephews and the words they were singing. The songs were about things no decent dwarf should know about; besides, who would want to do that in a wash barrel anyway?
"I don't understand women." The dwarf grumped. "Human, dwarven, even.." a slight growl, "elven."
"Women ain't nuthin' but trouble." his inebriated companion agreed, idly twirling a finger around his moustache.
"I try to take a bath. A maid comes in saying she's bringing me towels. She has no towels. The drying clothes were on the stool already!" He thumped a fist on the table, an action a few heads turned to see but realizing it wasn't the start of a fight, they went back to ignoring anything outside their circle. A splash of beer escaped the tankard. "Waste of good beer, that." was the observation from the other side. "Can a dwarf not take a bath in peace?!"
"I don't know about dwarves, but I certainly hope men can't." He sat up a bit, looking around, "Now, which maid did you say that was?"
He got a flat glare. "It would be hardly honourable to reveal such information."
"I'm a pirate, mate. I don't much care about honourable." A swig of rum, "Just give me an open port, a good breeze, and rum to drink and I'm a happy man. I don't much care how any of those got to my life, only that they're here to stay." He looked back at the glowering dwarf, "Look, chum, you're tryin' to figure out what's makin' the girls go squeel, aye?"
"Yes." was the surly response.
"Haven't a fricken' clue. I just enjoy it when it happens." Before the dwarf could offer further feedback, the pirate rocked his chair forward, swinging his leg off the table and onto the mucky floor. The inhabitants of the drunk goose were happy for the poor lighting, it meant they never saw the floor and what was on it. "Look.. uh.." He paused, "What'dya say your name was?"
"I didn't." came the growl, and then he sighed and softened. "Thorin. Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain."
"King?" There was a gleam and extra interest for a moment, "And why are you not kinging there then?"
"It's halls are haunted and tortured by a dragon." Thorin replied, the glower returning to his features.
"Oh. Right. Dragon. I have a personal policy to never pick fights with dragons. Of course, I had a personal policy never to pick fights with kraken either, and that wasn't terribly respected." The pirate stopped, finger on chin. "Where was I? Oh, right, and I, Thorin mouthful and well titled, am Jack. Captain Jack Sparrow, he who sales the Black Pearl, beauty of the seas."
"The pirate." Thorin said, raised eyebrow.
Jack raised a tankard in salute, "We all gotta make a livin', savvy?"
Thorin ground his teeth but refrained from comment and then suddenly smiled, "One might call you .. a pirate king?"
Jack's eyes narrowed, "That was just cold, mate."
"One might thinks, a pirate who gives up a chance at a throne for the sake of a girl, isn't as much of a .. what's the human term? .. coldhearted, selfish, rotten bastard, as he claims to be?" There was a gleam of gold as Thorin gave one of his rare grins.
"Oh.. shutup." Jack replied, taking another swig of rum, pausing with the bottle half back to the table and then taking a sequel to keep it company. He sighed, taking his turn to thump the table. He did it with much less force than his companion. "Speaking of your women problems, 'cause I sure as becalmed seas don't want to be talkin' about mine.. The problem is, y'see, you look miserable. Y'look like a good froggin' could cheer ya right up, an' girls like to be fixin' things that are broken. The faster ye run, the faster they'll chase." He sighed and looked at his nearly empty bottle, "I know - I've left a few ports with the skirts in pursuit." He put on a fake falsetto, "Y'said ye'd marry me Jack. Y'said I could join ye on yer ship, Jack. Y'said ye had news of me father, Jack. Y'said.." He roled his eyes. "Believe anything they will and.." he trailed off. "Er, what were we talkin' about then?"
"Your luck with the fairer sex." Thorin said looking a bit disgusted.
"You travel with a hobbit!" Jack blurted.
"What's that got to do with it?!" Thorin scowled back.
"Well, absolutely-bloody-nothing, does it? But I was on the losin' side of the conversation an' I am not too fond of losin', savvy?"
"Except when you mean to lose." Thorin said drolly.
"Ah!" Jack held up a finger, "but then I'm not losing, I'm winning, right?"
Thorin gave him a hairy eyed look, "If that's what you believe."
"I believe all sorts of things. I believe that you should just be tellin' your lady followers yer a King returning to his throne an' he can't be marryin' or carryin' on with any lady till his throne is his once more and all that."
"That would work?" The dwarven royal looked rather cynical.
"IYou'd be surprised what'll work. That one works well .. well, for the marryin' bit, never tried it for the carryin' on, y'mind.. I've been tryin' for the opposite. But!" He sat up straight, tossing hair, "What've you got to lose but a night's sleep?"
"They're tall. A hairless. And .. " He shuddered, "Practically elven in dimension."
"You've been lookin' at all the wrong ladies. Stop lookin' at the starved an' look at the healthy!" Jack stopped and blinked, "Hairless?"
"A good woman has sideburns for a start!"
"Uh.. right, mate." Jack looked doubtful on that score, but with a fortification of rum, "Look, take the Captain of the Rumrabbit.. well, y'better not, 'cause she's mine to not be carryin' on with, so you better not be not carryin' on with her behind my back or in front of my front, savvy?"
Thorin looked pained, perhaps because he did understand that shpiel of lack of logic and double and triple negatives. "Yes."
"Right. She's your height, blonde, curvy in the most curvy of curvy waves.. er, ways, and .. " Jack trailed off, "What were we talkin' about?"
"Captain of the Rumrabbit," Thorin answered with remarkable patience.
"Right, yes. Great ship that. Never manage to steal it. Damn rabbits are too quick and too smart."
"Are they Rhosgobel rabbits?" Thorin asked dryly.
"They're hell rabbits, that's what they are. Drink me rum, chew holes in me ship, steal me hat, and won't even let me woo their cap'n' without bathing first. And SHE doesn't visit ME in the bath!" Jack took a final swig and carefully put the bottle down. "I think I'm going to pass out now." He said quite clearly right before his eyes rolled up in his head and he fell off his chair sideways.
Thorin sighed. His nephews came over, seeing their uncle's drinking partner out drunk. "A rope and a banana?" Thorin asked with a raised eyebrow.
Fili grinned, Kili blushed.
Thorin sighed. "May the scow be fixed by morning."
He'd had his lifetime's fill of humans.