Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Vicious Bunny Attacks.

I think we've discussed my brother's craziness before. Not only does he run marathons, but he runs "ultramarathons." Because, apparently, twenty-six miles non-stop just isn't enough.. lets do thirty or more. He is not alone in his insanity, there are hundreds (probably thousands) of people who call this fun. Each to his or her own, as long as they don't expect me to run with them! Anyway, they have a mailing list and one of their regular posters is a gentleman named Laz who has a dog named Big. (He actually has three dogs, but Big gets the most stories posted about him.)

Big is a pit bull. So we all know that means he's not the kind of sloppy dog that just wants to be friends with the world and have his tummy rubbed. (I may be employing some sarcasm there. Humans raise bad dogs, they're not born that way.) In fact, Big even has his own book! (Which I think everyone should buy and read.) Upon meeting Big for the first time a lot of humans seem to think he's a vicious animal. Laz mentioned about the only way he can see Big getting mean is if someone tries to bite Amy. This reminded me of Sage and the vicious rabbit story.  (You can see the rabid rabbit above looking quite ferocious.)

For those not familiar with the antics of Sage Bunny, she liked being outside. She liked going on walks. She was friends with most of the cats and dogs in the area. If I was working on the garden (a rare occurrence, I'll admit..) she'd flomp in the grass behind me and help dispose of any edible weeds that happen to appear near her.  (She was quite the helpful and generous bunny that way.)

My neighbour, to use politest terms possible, was a butt monkey. He gave trailer trash a bad name. He also had a dog, a chihuahua that spent most of its time yapping and barking. (This had NOTHING to do with a certain rabbit's favourite game of sitting in the window with the fan behind her, honest.) One day I was out in the yard, Sage three quarters asleep behind me, when Mr Butt Monkey came out, dog yapping at his heels. Dog made a bee line for me and attempted to chomp on my ankle.

I say 'attempted' because my darling little rabbit, who loved all things fuzzy and tried to adopt every animal that she met, was up on all fours like a shot and had grabbed said dog by the scruff of its neck and whipped it halfway across the yard. Anyone who has seen a rabbit in full flight has seen how fast they can move when properly motivated - up to twenty-six miles an hour or more. Our house rabbits are rarely that motivated, even if treats are involved. My little Sagey Boo was quite motivated that day! She had a hate on for that dog to begin with and then it dared bite HER ape!

My sweet little five pound silver Dutch rabbit had a habit of flinging my shoes at my head if her food bowl was empty or the water wasn't to her liking. A small yapping dog wasn't much of a challenge. I think the little beast was too surprised to even yelp. It landed, rolled, and started up yapping and barking some more. For some strange reason, however, it didn't take one step towards me or Sage. Mr Butt Monkey, however, started frothing about how my rabbit attacked his precious doggie and how it could have killed her and blah blah blah. Yes, nothing to say of how his dog attacked me first and Sage was defending me.

Sage's response was to turn butt and start grooming. "You are not even a threat to me, ape and yapping rat." I rather ruined the effect by picking her up and going into the house while neighbour followed ranting. I shut the door in his face, put Sage down and offered her a papaya treat that her Aunty Lisa had sent up. She very generously took the treat, ate it, and went back to grooming.

Now, most people would think this incident would stop there. Oh no, of course not. Mr Butt Monkey went to the park management to protest. They told him he was crazy. (They may or may not have used those exact words. Depends on the mood they were in.) He decided he wasn't getting justice from management so he called the Conservation Officers in. We were in a Provincial park, so it had all sorts of crazy rules and a lack of municipal government.

The next day, I have a very nice conservation officer knocking on my door. I was a bit surprised to see him but invited him in. He explained he was there to (sigh) investigate a dangerous rabbit. Sage, who was flomped out in the living room lifted her head at this. Probably quite liked the idea she was considered a threat to humanity, nasty dogs and society in general. I asked him if he wanted to meet Sage, he said please, so I gave him a piece of papaya to hold out for her and made the 'treat noise.'

She barrelled over, sat back on her hind legs and daintily took the bit of papaya from him. (She never had such good manners for ME, the little heathen.) He pet her nose, we talked about pet bunnies, he eventually left after deciding that Sage was a perfectly nice bunny and not a danger at all. (Somehow, I don't think he considered her much of a danger in the first place.)

Somehow, the kids who collected clover and dandelions for my spoiled little princess heard about the story. For a few weeks there were "Beware of attack rabbit!" signs posted on the community board. "Will eat dandelions, clover and grass without warning!" and similar comments. Mr Monkey Butthead, I think, never quite forgave me for his becoming a laughing stock.

But geez, you'd think everyone would know.. don't mess with a rabbit's pet human. You won't like them when they're irritated.


  1. Stupid butt-monkey neighbor--he's lucky he and his dog got away in one piece. You cross a Dutchie, your life is forfeit.

    1. Sage *was* a card carrying member of the Dutch Bunny Mafia.. Thinking about it .. no one actually ever SAW Mr Butt Monkey move out .. his truck and some belongings just disappeared one night..

      Bunnies ARE dangerous.. ;)

    2. You can tell from that pic that she was not a bun to be messed with; she had disapproval locked and loaded.

  2. Sage really was one of a kind. I've never heard of rabbit flinging a dog though... Guess the bunnies really do rule the world :)

    1. Well, yapping rat was about half .. maybe even a third .. her size. :) I'm sure Sheeba would have done similar.. or worse! .. if one dared attack HER Daddy!

  3. Haha this is hilarious :P

    Can you just imagine the guys at the office for this one? They must've drawn straws for who had to go investigate the "viscous rabbit." Just imagine that conversation....
    "I need you to go investiage a rabbit"
    "Why, it get found dead or gone missing?"
    "No, it attacked a dog"
    "No, seriously, why do I need to go investigate a rabbit"

    This clip comes to mind... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmu5sRIizdw

  4. Best story I've read all day!