[Pirates of the Caribbean Fanfiction] [Rabbits] Of hats and horses.

(Stock photo stand in for Baby D)

It was time for Captain Jack’s weekly visit to the Rum Rabbit to collect his hats from the hat stealing varmint of a rabbit Captain Ren called a first mate. He’d tried just letting her keep the hat and live without but she’d then started stealing his bandanas, and bracelets, and beads, and finally just chewing holes in his clothes where one didn’t want holes to be. Sailing winter waves and drafts in dodgy places didn’t mix, even in the Caribbean.

It was a busy wharf but he knew he was going the right way when he passed the longship of rabbits dumping their haul out onto the dock. There seemed to be two piles of loot, one of rabbit-friendly food things and chewable things while the second pile seemed to be shiny things. Captain Jack couldn’t say why a boatload of rabbits with Viking helmets were unloading their vessel in Tortuga but they seemed pretty enthusiastic about it. He had to wonder where they’d found a gold plated toilet brush and why they’d brought it all this way. At least he knew it wasn’t the rum making him see things when he saw rabbits were involved.

However, a large brown horse was another matter. He blinked and rubbed his eyes as he swaggered up the gangplank of the Rum Rabbit to find Captain Ren scolding said horse. The horse, for his part, seemed to be completely ignoring the Captain.  It was rubbing noses with a large white rabbit who also appeared to be completely ignoring the Captain. Not that anything was new there, most sensible beings ignored Captain Ren. She could get very naggy and scoldy if one let her.

“You do realize, don’t you love, you have a horse on your deck?” Captain Jack Sparrow asked at his most casual conversational.

“OF COURSE I BLOODY REALIZE I HAVE A HORSE ON MY DECK!” The short but dangerous blonde growled as she whirled on the pirate.  The horse in question was now exchanging nose rubs with a brown bunny with a white star on her nose as a small lagomorphic crowd was gathering to watch the show.  “HE!” She continued, “IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN HIS BARN!”

The horse turned his head away from the rabbit so he could snort on Captain Ren. He swished his tail while the captain of the Rum Rabbit seemed to be counting to ten. She did turn a lovely shade of red before she was about to explode. She wiped the horse snot off her face and chest and onto the shoulder of the horse.

“YOU!” she pointed at Captain Jack Sparrow. He made the ‘me?’ gesture of a hand on his chest and his best most innocent look. “Go get your hats.” she turned to the horse, “And YOU! Get off my bloody main deck! You’re in the way of everything!”

Captain Jack decided discretion was a better part of valour and he always did think of better plans when he had his hat on. Perhaps Miss Cindy would have a few ideas for mayhem while he was negotiating the return of his chapeau. Or at least, know where the rum was.

He ignored the very large splash of a large brown horse jumping off the side of the ship and into the very mucky harbour waters. He also ignored the scream of anguish of a frustrated Captain as she cursed after her horse and yelled for nets to be fetched. Human crew appeared to assist since the rabbits weren’t about to dirty their paws with manual labour.
Wait, had she said hats plural?

Captain Jack entered the First Mate’s quarters scratching his head. Some might call it the Captain’s quarters, but anyone with any sense knew that Cindy was just letting Ren use them now and then.

The small white rabbit in question was curled up on a pile of hats on the bed, snoring. Her black markings around her eyes looking like pirately applied mascara and shadow.  Only two of the hats were his. In fact, it seemed the rabbit had extended her thievery. Perhaps she was planning on opening a millinery since Captain Ren didn’t seem to get out on the waves much these days.

“Ahem.” Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain (sometimes) of the Black Pearl, master of the waves, defeater of Kraken and Davy Jones alike cleared his throat and stared down at a less than four-pound rabbit.

The rabbit in question opened an eye, got up, turned around to present her butt in his general direction and apparently went back to sleep.

He sat on the edge of the bed, a white ear turning in his direction. “Look, darlin’, we can do this dance every week where you steal me hats, an’ I try an’ find what’d make you happy to get them back, but I’m sayin’ for this week, yer missin’ the show of the century as there’s a horse swimming in the harbour and your Cap’n’ is tryin’ to fish him out like an unruly merman. So I be thinkin’, if you go be watchin’ and havin’ a good laugh, I can take me hats and you can be stealin’ them again anyway, savvy?”

The ear tip twitched thoughtfully. Cindy yawned and stretched, hopping off the hat-bed and onto the floor. A few foot flicks in the direction of the (sometimes) captain of the Black Pearl and the door opened at a glance. If he could find a rabbit that would open doors for him like that, he’d have a lot easier time making a decent profit, he would.

Ignoring the pile of hats, for now, he rifled through Captain Ren’s drawers and chests. Frilly knickers, frilly bras, frilly shirts.. AH! The rum! Jack industrially took two bottles, wrapped them up in bandanas, some of them even his own, and stuffed them inside the hat he didn’t put on his head.

Sauntering out on the deck he found bunnies crowded around the exterior bulkhead laughing their cotton tails off as a Captain and her crew tried to net a horse who was having entirely too much fun staying out of reach of the nets and ropes as he paddled around in the harbour.

“He’s gotta get tired eventually.” Captain Jack offered as he made his way to the gangplank. While two bottles of rum was a perfectly reasonable payment for the inconvenience of his having to come and collect his hats, Captain Ren didn’t always see it that way. Perhaps it was that he’d taken two barrels a few weeks ago.

“Not bloodly likely.” Captain Ren muttered. She gave Captain Jack stink-eye, but he wasn’t clanking or slooshing so she decided whatever he’d stolen this time probably wasn’t worth the effort of trying to reclaim.

Captain Jack ambled his way down the gangplank and looked from the horse to the shore. “Why don’t ya be meetin’ me at the launch and I’ll see if can be gettin’ ye some rum?” he called to the horse.

“NO!” Called Captain Ren as the horse’s ears perked up and he immediately started swimming to the boat launch on the beach. She buried her hand in her face, “Even my bloody horse is a rum-sodden pirate.”

“Only type of pirate to be!” Captain Jack told her with a bow and flourish of his freshly claimed hat. “For without rum, the world would be a dull place indeed.”