Wednesday, March 5, 2014

[Bunny Fiction] Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Whisky humphed, his bowl was quite lacking in treats. Oh, sure, he had FOOD, but nothing he wanted to eat. The furless two foot had just stumbled off to bed and left him to starve. Stoopid humans, no appreciation for bunny needs. Why, he'd even let those stinky "foster" bunnies out into the garden first. Didn't the ape know who was boss around here?

Whisky had enough and let himself out of his pen. Enough was enough! If the human wasn't going to feed him properly, he'd just have to feed himself. Really, was it so difficult?

"Oi!" Anouska called, "Where are you going?"

"I am going to get food." Whisky replied, haughtily. Really, why did the stupid does always think they were such hot stuff?

"Gonna get us some too?" She asked.

"No." He sniffed, turning to present her with bunny butt for a moment before hopping off.

"This is why no one likes you!" She called after him before turning her own back on him.

"GOOD!" Whisky called back over his shoulder. He was perfectly happy being an only bun. If only his stupid human would learn this. Really, he was quite fond of his thumb owner, but sometimes the two foot was a bit thick about things like 'one bun household.'

Whisky stopped at the computer and looked up at the desk. Everything he wanted in one place, how handy. He nudged the chair out and took a few steps back before taking the leap up onto the seat. The chair sritched a little and he had to turn an ear towards the human's sleep den. (Really, how many dens did one being need? He had like four or five!) When the human made no indication he was coming to invesitage, Whisky scrambled up onto the desk.

"Hmph." He said, nosing around. "Car keys.." he mused as he tongued them. Nah, he'd have to cooperate with Anouska and her stinky mate to use them. He nosed the keys off the desk. "Paper, paper, paper.. And can I chew any of it? No. Mr Cranky Pants gets all cranky." The paper followed the keys, fluttering to the ground. "Ah ha!" He found the wallet he was looking for and tossed it open. He pawed at the cards until he found the one he wanted and grabbed it in his lips. This would be so much easier if he had front teeth. Damn tooth fairy had stolen his and claimed it was for his own good. Stupid tooth fairy.

With card in lips he turned back to the computer, kicking the mouse to bring it back to life. The TV had well prepared him for this next section. He tapped in the address to the browser, he went to the 'order' tab and typed in his selection with a minimum of bunny profanity as he mistyped. Nose typing was an underrated skill. He entered the credit card numbers, he selected "Box" under 'extras' and under 'special instructions' ordered "Just leave it on the step, extra box underneath." and hit send.

With the magic of the interwebs the request was sent off and he was informed he'd receive confirmation by email. With a sigh, Whisky turned to the magic of email and started a good grooming while he waited. The confirmation of food, extra box, and instructions were all confirmed and Whisky deleted the email. With a satisfied grunt he grabbed the card and shoved it back in the human's wallet and putting the wallet back where he found it. He then hopped down onto the chair, and then down onto the mess of papers. He thought the human really should be neater about these things.

Whisky ignored Anouska's grunts and complaints and hopped over to the front door to wait by the mail slot. He groomed his ears, and then his face, then his belly, and then gave up on it all and settled down for a nap. Humans were very slow about all sorts of important things and food was just about the most important ever. He was just getting into a nice dream about grass nomming when the noise of a truck arriving, a human walking up and putting something on the stoop, and then walking away again woke him up. Grumbling, Whisky waited for the stupid human to drive away again. He could smell the yumminess already.

Getting the door open required some acrobatics with drapery, the lounge chair, and one flying bunny. Shaking his head, Whisky looked out, then around and hopped out. While it was tempting to go for a long run, there was food to dispose of first. He wiggled the empty box to be a ramp and dragged the other box up before shoving the empty box after it. He had to admit, humans who followed orders without complaint were nice things. It was even nicer of his own human to pay for such exemplary service.

Closing the door was much easier than opening it, that was for sure! Whisky tossed the empty box into his enclosure to chew on later. He could build a fort or something. The other box, he nosed open and rubbed his paws in glee. An entire vegetarian pizza and it was all his! If bunnies could produce maniacal laughter, he'd laugh. Instead, he had to settle for butt wiggles and sinking mouth into cheesy, bready, goodness.

He was only a few bites in when Anouska called for a piece. Whisky, chewing madly, was quite happy to tell her to go stuff herself. She countered that without bribing she'd start thumping and get the human in here and then Whisky would lose his pizza and be in a world of trouble. Whisky glared at her, women were so high-maintenance.

Sighing, he hauled over the box to the foster cage and picked up a piece and tossed it over the fence. His aim was pretty lousy all things considered. It was hard to throw something half as long as you were, that was floppy, AND couldn't be grabbed by non-existent front teeth! So, it was a very pleasant surprise when the piece of pizza landed, topping side down, on Anouska's back!

"OW!" She yelped, shaking the piece off.

Whisky winced, it WAS kind of hot. "Sorry." He offered. While he would be reliving the glee of her getting bits splattered across her fur, he didn't wish her actual injury. Well, not any he didn't inflict personally, anyway.

"Hmph." She started in on her piece, her mate showing up soon enough to share in the bounty.

Whisky was happy enough to go back to his own pizza and nom through a piece and a half. His tummy very full he yawned and stretched. He had over half a pizza left. He looked over at the fosters and they were both looking rather hopeful. He sighed, he supposed it wouldn't kill him to share with the wretches, even if they hadn't said thank you for the first piece. Another piece went over the fence, this time landing with a splutch on the carpet. Eh, they'd clean most of it up. If the two foot got crankyt, it wouldn't be with him!

He stretched again, and closed over the box and dragged it into the food section of the human's warren. Getting the cold box open was always a difficult trick and generally not worth the effort, so Whisky just opened a cupboard and put the pizza in there to keep. He'd finish it off tomorrow night if the human didn't get all greedy-grumpy. Yawning, he was pretty happy to hop back to his own enclosure and close it behind him. He'd more than earned a nap.

He looked around. Boy, the living den was sure messy. The human should take better care of his warren rather than just leaving stuff lying everywhere!


  1. He's such a clever bun,Hmm...may be its time we had a lads night out....xx Speedy

    1. Whisky says: "I'm not sure I could keep up with a youngster like you, Speedy, especially one with such supersonic speed! But if we're going, the carrotinis will be on you - Dad blew my allowance and savings on my ear surgery!"

  2. I asked Whisky about this story, his response was "Fiction? Oh right, yes, that's what it is, I certainly didn't...never mind. Please pass my regards to the author."
    I'm checking my bank statement right now...